It’s been a week since Sybil’s ghost returned to Downton to make everything right. Will she still be floating around this week and come up behind Branson while he’s molding clay at a pottery wheel? Will she hide all of Cora’s coats to incite a class war? Only one way to find out! On with the show!

It’s moving day for Daisy’s father-in-law. See what having insane daily outbursts and stalking people will get you? Lots of square footage, but imagine all the really bad juju left over from Marigold’s kidnapper. Here’s hoping Daisy had the good sense to steal some sage from Mrs. Patmore’s kitchen.

On a hill overlooking the Abbey, Branson asks Mary if she’s pissed that he orchestrated handing over the Drews’ farm to Daisy’s mooch father-in-law behind her back. Mary says it ain’t no thang ’cause now that there’s a new hunk on the horizon and baby George is out of diapers (not that she ever changed any of them herself), her rage issues have subsided. Or maybe the London miscarriage-preventing doctor wrote her a prescription for chill pills? Either way, drop a pair of shades on Mary’s face ’cause she’s as cool as a cucumber these days.

In the downstairs kitchen, Mrs. Patmore asks about the move and Daisy reveals that her father-in-law moved all his crap into the front courtyard and the Drews haven’t even moved out yet! Way to rub it in! Zero couth!

Despite getting her way, Daisy is still super bitter about her father-in-law’s former landlord. Girl, get a life! Or take that exam or whatever.

Mrs. Patmore and Daisy decide to go on an outing to visit the farm (probably to point and laugh as Marigold’s kidnapper, her husband and all their newly homeless kids move out). Andy pops out of nowhere to invite himself along. For once, Thomas isn’t there to be brutally rebuffed.

Upstairs, Edith gets a letter from her newspaper deadline crush that makes her giggle as loud as she has to in order to get her dad’s attention. Before Robert can get into the birds and the bees talk with her, the Dowager waltzes in with a new scheme to stop the hospital merger. She plans to use a Crimea war connection (sometimes I forget she’s 2 billion years old) to get the Minister of Health to pay a visit and listen to all her reasons why the family should retain control. 1. Because. 2. Um…yeah, that’s about it.

Robert doesn’t think she can pull it off, to which the Dowager uses my new favorite insult: “Don’t be jejune!”

Back in the kitchen, Mrs. Hughes wants to have dinner with Mr. Carson in their new cottage instead of with everyone else. Guess she’s taken a liking to being naked around the hubster. Mrs. Patmore gives her a hard time and Daisy says she’s just jealous. Mrs. Patmore is like Uh, duh! I’m a 50-year-old virgin!

In the dining room, Robert tells the fam that Mary’s new husband who I should probably call by his real name at some point wants her to join him as he looks at a car. Branson invites himself because he’s funemployed and then asks if Edith wants to come too. She declines because she’s come to enjoy being the outsider martyr. Then…

Act MMXVII of Mary and Edith Almost Tear Each Other’s Hair Out But Don’t Because They’re British:

Robert: Edith has a date.
Edith: No, I don’t.
Mary: Of course not.
Edith: What do you mean, “Of course not”?
Mary:Edith:

So much for that giggle-inducing letter.

Downstairs, sad puppy-eyed Baxter does not giggle while reading a letter from the Sergeant about her testimony. Bates comes in to mansplain that she should think about what she wants to say before getting on the stand. Thanks for the valuable intel, Sherlock.

Thomas comes in to hit on Andy for the zillionth time. Andy literally says “Thanks, but no thanks” and walks off. I CAN’T HANDLE ANY MORE OF THESE SCENES, JULIAN FELLOWES. JUST HAVE ANDY STICK A BUTCHER KNIFE IN THOMAS’ HEART AND BE DONE WITH IT.

*collects self*

Okay, where were we? Ah, yes. The old people are upstairs scheming about how they can get the most out of the Health Minister’s visit. Cousin Isobel’s self-righteousness has officially become a supporting character.

Downstairs in the shoe polish room where everything always happens, Bates and Anna grill Andy about why he’s so rude to Thomas. Andy says he’s gotten to know something about Thomas, something he doesn’t want to say “with a lady present.” Bates and Anna are like LOLOL We’ve known he was gay since before you were born, bucko! Andy goes on to say No homo a thousand times in a row and Bates and Anna give each other a knowing look that says Does the closeted gay protest too much?

In the Carson/Hughes sex cottage, Mrs. Hughes serves Carson dinner like a good early 20th century housewife. He complains about the meat not being cooked to his liking, the plate being cold and the knife not being sharp enough like a typical early 20th century husband. Mrs. Hughes hates her life and regrets everything.

The next day, everyone makes Edith feel bad about her date.

Downstairs, Mrs. Hughes tells Patmore and Daisy all about how Carson is an entitled, sexist picky-eater who probably is one of those people who claim cilantro tastes like soap.

The Sergeant comes in because it’s been more than an hour since he’s bugged everyone. Baxter leaves with him as if she’s walking to her own death. Molesley fumbles along because the Downton writers are trying to turn them into Bates and Anna version 2.0. Return to sender. The original version is more than enough.

Somewhere on the grounds, Branson and Mary talk about her new boy toy. “I don’t mean to sound snobbish, but I won’t marry down.” A totally reasonable thing to say to the former pauper who married into your sister’s wealth. Someone forgot to take their chill pill this morning.

In the village, Denker takes a break from blackmailing Spratt to intimidate Dr. Clarkson for switching hospital merger teams. Is it just me or does Denker’s wig deserve its own SAG Award?

In a courtroom somewhere, Baxter tells Molesley she doesn’t have to testify after all because criminal dude changed his plea. So the whole point of this anti-climactic storyline was for us to witness Molesley follow Baxter around and help her put on her coat so that when they get together in the end we won’t be like That was undeserved! 

At the farm, Daisy and co. are all unpacking her father-in-law’s things and no one thinks about the fact that the only reason this place is vacant is because of a child abduction.

Mary and Branson stop by to tell Daisy’s father-in-law that he’s old and how they’re concerned he won’t be able to take care of the pigs. Andy randomly lies about how he and Mr. Mason have made an arrangement for Andy’s young limbs to counterbalance Mr. Mason’s feeble ones. Everyone’s like Ok cool.

In London, Edith is on her date. They talk about how his boss is not married and likes to spend all his time in Tangier painting portraits of young men. Ummm, I think we found a boyfriend for Thomas! You had your chance, Andy!

Edith makes a sexy (for Edith) proposition: “Come to my flat for a drink, I’ll show it to you.” Her date replies: “What a racy plan.” He seems like he would be a really good texter and emoji user. I hope he doesn’t have any plans to hang out in Germany anytime soon. #RIPMarigoldsDad

In the middle of nowhere, Branson and Mary watch her new dude race cars. Branson gives her a hard time for not enjoying the speed and spectacle. Uh, did he forget that this is triggering because her last husband died while driving too fast?

In London, Edith interviews a woman who was born in 1892 like herself. They commiserate over being Victorian babies who grew up into modern women. New bestie alert (since it doesn’t seem like Virginia Woolf is going to let Edith join the Bloomsbury clique)!

Back at the farm, Mr. Mason wants Daisy to come live with him. Seems kind of creepy, but she’ll probably do it. Mr. Mason looks at Daisy and then Andy in a way that makes me worry the Downton writers are going to put these two together. I should start doing eye exercises now, just in case, so that I can eye roll as hard as I want when the time comes.

Back at Downton, Cora and Robert are baby sitting. Baby Sybbie says something problematic about “red Indians.” Kids say the darnedest things, don’t they? Robert’s side pain is back and he has to sit down. Will the Grim Reaper’s scythe be more sharpened than Carson’s dinner knife?

At the Dowager’s house, she receives a tattle-tale letter from Dr. Clarkson about Denker, who is fired on the spot. Spratt’s lucky day. Her going away party is going to be so boozy.

In a pub (!), Mary throws a few back. Her new boy brings up Evelyn Napier (former suitor — until Mary told him he was boring — and bestie of the Turk who died in Mary’s bed). They make plans to have dinner with him soon, which won’t be awkward at all.

In the servants’ hall, Andy and Thomas have the most boring conversation about pigs and books about pigs. Oscar Wilde would be so disappointed. All the words in the world and they use these.

In Edith’s single lady flat, she and her date drink fancy cocktails. Her forehead is wearing jewelry. She explains that she’s over Downton and dawdling in Mary’s wake and wants to be a hipster in London forevermore.

Her date is a good listener. He also knows how to pick the right cafes for dinner so Edith green-lights a make out session before they head out. Unlike Mary, Edith tells her date that she doesn’t care about his whole I-don’t-have-money-and-work-for-a-living thing. Mazel tov, you crazy 1892 babies.

In the Downton kitchen, Daisy is apparently jealous that Mr. Mason is making new friends because she hasn’t been crazy enough this season.

Carson walks in on Daisy, Patmore and Mrs. Hughes chatting and asks Patmore: “I wonder if you might go through the cooking of [dinner] with Mrs Hughes. It’s been a while since she’s played with her patty pans, and she’s got some catching-up to do.”

Mrs. Hughes, this is why annulments are a thing. Time to drop this sexist dud and go back to your blissful celibacy immediately!

Back at the Dowager’s, Denker is complaining about being fired. Spratt wins me over for the first time with this response: “How did it happen? Were you drunk?” Boom! But he’s not done!

Denker: Am I to blame if I have a very passionate nature?
Spratt: Any more of that talk and I won’t be able to sleep.

Go in, Spratt, go in!

In Cora and Robert’s room, they both take turns complaining about how annoying this Health Minister dinner is going to be. Then Robert complains about his side pain again, but refuses to skip the meal. Is he going to croak at the dinner table? Is that the only thing that will shut up this dumb hospital debate once and for all? If so, so be it.

Downstairs, Thomas hears a crash and investigates. Andy threw a book because he’s dyslexic. So his big secret isn’t that he’s gay, but that he can’t read??? Seriously?!?

Thomas promises to help him learn how to read and Andy apologizes for being super homophobic these past few months. Then, Thomas wins an award for Most Melancholic Smile Ever to Grace Lips. And I win an award for Best Continuation of a Recap Despite Wanting to Never Watch Downton Again.

Back at the Dowager’s, Denker has decided to (shocker!) blackmail Spratt into convincing the Dowager to unfire her.

Elsewhere, Bates and Anna gossip about Mary’s love life. Then, Bates says he wishes everyone was as happy as he is. So he means he wishes everyone would skulk in the shadows, grumble sinister things and continuously get away with murder?

Spratt got Denker her job back so we can put this whole blackmailing/bullying thing to bed, right? Not so much:

Spratt: Oh, and Miss Denker, I don’t want to hear another mention of my unfortunate nephew.
Denker: Oh, well, that rather depends.
Spratt: On what?
Denker: On whether or not I need to mention him again.

This show is exhausting.

In the rich people hangout room, the Dowager arrives just in time to witness Robert have more side pain. The contractions are getting closer and closer together! Sybil’s ghost’s revenge for messing up her delivery and killing her in the process?

The Dowager has Carson change the seat assignments for dinner. Robert warns that she’s switched to “a very junior seat.” The Dowager’s reply is in French — “Il faut reculer pour mieux sauter” — but fear not; I have a French minor (*cough*and access to Google Translate*cough*) and can tell you that it means: “You must step back to jump further.” Let the games begin!

The Health Minister arrives and everyone is trying to grab him. He totally dyes his mustache.

Downstairs, Daisy criticizes the Minister’s lack of support for unions and Carson congratulates him for it. Can someone explain to me why the Downton fandom likes Carson so much? His opinions are terrible and he’s not funny or charming or fun.

Upstairs, all the old people fight over the hospital and the Health Minister is turned way off. Robert puts an end to the fighting by grabbing his side, standing up AND SPEWING BLOOD ALL OVER THE TABLE AND EVERYONE AND COLLAPSING AND VOMITING ON THE CARPET.

Okay, I thought he was going to die, but damn! Color me shocked. Also color me red ’cause I think some of his spewed blood went through the screen into my gaping face.

Once I write Downton off as a predictable bore, something like this happens! It reminds me of when Mad Men featured a lawn mower amputation:

Compare and contrast:

So I feel kind of bad because I think all the mean things I’ve written about Robert (albeit valid complaints) may have contributed to him getting an ulcer and that ulcer blowing up all over Cora. Did I do thaaat? (in Urkel voice).

Anyway, Robert is not doing well. He keeps puking up blood. He chokes out a proclamation of love for Cora while everyone screams.

Downstairs, the servants are freaking out too. Carson tells the maids to get coats for Cora and Mary. “Don’t forget Lady Edith.” Even in times of crisis, the writers can’t help but crap all over poor Jan Brady.

Upstairs, the Health Minister tells Cora: Ummm, I think I’m gonna go… Then Cora and the Dowager argue over the hospital some more because this seems like a good time for that.

The Dowager brings up the secret of Marigold and Mary overhears and realizes Wait a second…Edith’s 9 month vacation and the random mute baby that hangs out with my son all day just might have something to do with each other! By George, I think she’s got it! (Took her long enough).

The medics arrive and cart dazed, confused and blood-soaked Robert off. Everyone follows…except for Branson who is straight up chilling and doesn’t seem to be bothered one bit as he leisurely gossips with the Health Minister. Looks like I’m not the only one who holds a grudge against Robert for killing Sybil.

Some time later, the servants are all hanging out downstairs waiting for news. Andy is not reading.

Carson gets a phone call and delivers the news: Robert had surgery and is going to be fine. Yay, I guess.

Upstairs, Mary and Edith get back from the hospital. They’re finally alone and no one is around to stop them from finally having a duel once and for all, but enough blood has been shed this evening. Plus, Mary’s too weirded out by Edith being someone’s mom.

After Edith goes to bed, Branson rolls up wearing a casual robe because he’s been kicking back with zero worries since Robert spewed his insides all over the mansion. Mary tells him that they should take over all control from her dad so he doesn’t worry and get another ulcer. Branson rightfully proclaims this The Age of Queen Mary.

And scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Carson: Make your own F-ing dinner.

HONORABLE MENTION: Mary: She was very chill about hanging out at a dirty pub. Also, she wore a tie for much of this episode.

BRONZE: Thomas: So sorry Andy’s dyslexic instead of gay. Classy move teaching him how to read anyway.

SILVER: Cora: She handled having blood puked into her face pretty well.

GOLD: Robert’s Exploding Ulcer: It did the impossible: revived this lackluster final season and almost killed one of my least faves. Good work, blood-filled combustible!

Until next week!

Previous Season 6 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 4 Recap: I Will Remember You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 3 Recap: Chapel of Love

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 2: All That She Wants Is Another Baby

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Premiere Recap: Let’s Talk About Sex

It’s been a week since Robert puked blood all over everyone and everything. Will they ever get the stains out of the carpet? Will the hospital storyline finally die, like Robert should have? Will I be nicer to him now that he’s been through such a traumatic experience? Nope to the latter and only one way to find out about the other two! On with the show!

Robert is back from his death bed and grumpy as ever. He doesn’t want people coming in and gawking at all of his toys during a charity open house at Downton. Cora tells him to get over it, which is ironic because she, of all people, should be able to sympathize with not wanting people to ever touch your stuff. #WeddingCoat-gate #NeverForget

It’s very obvious that, when Robert puked blood in her face, there was a small secret part of her that exclaimed: Ah, at last he croaks and I am free to go get my groove back in Jamaica! Sorry, Cora, no hot boy toy for you, I’m afraid.

Downstairs, Carson echoes Robert’s out-of-touch, irritable white dude complaints about the open house. Daisy says something Marxist that for once has nothing to do with her father-in-law (hallelujah). And Molesley is paranoid that the commoners who get to see the Abbey’s opulence will start to question why the Crawleys have everything while others have nothing. Thomas thinks that’s a good question. Carson, who becomes more hatable by the word, bullies him for speaking: “How is your job search going, Mr Barrow?” Does Downton have an HR department? This is a hostile work environment!

Across town, the Dowager seems playful and/or drunk. She casually eats snacks, while making fun of poor people and teasing Isobel over her former boyfriend Lord Merton. It’s like the good ol’ days before the stupid hospital drama. Keep pouring that whiskey into her tea, Denker!

Back at the Abbey, Edith (a.k.a. Jan Brady) tells the family about her new boo, George Glass. Mary (a.k.a. Marcia Brady) challenges her because the Aw-my-sister-had-to-give-birth-in-secret-to-a-dead-man’s-baby empathy from last episode has worn off.

Mary: Is he worth it?

Edith: As opposed to your car mechanic?

Edith finally landed a comeback! A well-earned hair flip is in order.

Over at Daisy’s father-in-law’s place (a.k.a. Chez Marigold’s Kidnapper), Daisy puts up a portrait of her husband-for-four-seconds and pretends she didn’t treat him like dirt when he was alive. Her father-in-law gives her a letter to give to Mrs. Patmore and Daisy irrationally fills with jealous rage.

Back at Downton, Carson peer pressures Robert to drink wine out of a flask. The absurdity of that sentence proves that Downton should have probably ended a year or two ago. Carson and Robert talk about how much they hate Thomas and wish he would die or get another job or something. Then they take turns complaining about the open house. Every scene with these two is like a prequel to Grumpy Old Men or an unfunny Statler and Waldorf bit.

In the kitchen, Mrs. Patmore finds her letter from Daisy’s father-in-law in the trash. Daisy is totally going to flunk her exam, if this bit of sabotage is any indication of her intelligence.

Upstairs, Baxter tells Cora that the man she was supposed to testify against got 10 years in prison. Cora is like Cool, now I can go back to not caring about your personal life.

The next morning, Carson and Mrs. Hughes are on a miserable walk. On top of ridiculing her cooking last week, Carson now also has a problem with how Mrs. Hughes makes coffee, polishes the silver and makes the bed. Puke blood in his face, Mrs. Hughes!

In Mary’s bedroom, Anna tells Mary she needs to see a doctor again. Mary is like Yay, I get to party with a hot boy in London! Uh, I mean, sorry about your problematic pregnancy. I hope you’re okay.

Across town, there’s more news on the boring hospital merger front. York will take over the hospital and they’re pushing the Dowager out and replacing her with Cora. I think I speak for all of us when I say:

Back at the Abbey, Mary tells Branson about her plans to hang out at a spot called the Criterion with Evelyn Napier (the guy she friend-zoned / best friend of the dead Turk). Edith swoops in with a Debbie Downer remembrance of her dead boyfriend:

Edith: I used to go to the Criterion with Michael.

Mary: Do you have to put a damper on every restaurant in the capital?

Point for Mary, which ties the score (remember the car mechanic dig from earlier?). But wait, there’s more!

Mary: Edith, you can manage for a day without us, can’t you?

Edith: I can manage without you for as long as you want.

Edith is getting the hang of this! 2-1.

Branson: Why don’t you come with us?

Edith: And watch Mary flirt with her oily driver? No thank you.

Gross classism aside, Edith is killing it. She’s finally had it.

Upstairs, Thomas is giving George another random piggy back ride. When Mary shows up, George explains that he was cheering Thomas up.

Mary: Do you need cheering up, Barrow?

Thomas: We all need it sometimes, m’lady.

Robert is bored out of his mind in bed, wishing the same thing Cora and I do: that he was dead. Mary stops by to ask if he knows why Thomas is sad. Robert is like Carson and I hate gays and want him to leave. Mary is like Oh, okay. Glad she got that cleared up.

Outside, Bates makes a huge deal about Anna going away for the evening. Even when he says sweet things, they come across as scary and controlling: “I miss you when you’re out of sight.”

Downstairs, Carson gleefully tells Thomas how useless he is and basically fires him. He stops short of clapping while shouting Yipee! I advise Thomas to do the same thing I advised Mrs. Hughes to do earlier: Puke blood in his face!!!

Mrs. Hughes comes by and Carson reminds her again that she sucks at everything and could really use some training in cooking from Mrs. Patmore. Ughhh! I hope Carson nods off after drinking his flask wine and a boa constrictor slithers into his room and devours him super slowly.

At the schoolhouse, a teacher gives Molesley props for caring about Daisy’s education and wonders if he might want to work at the school in some capacity. Molesley reacts like Piglet:

Back at the house, Carson continues being the worst:

Carson [to Mrs. Hughes]: “I’m expecting a delicious dinner prepared by the fair hands of my beautiful wife.”

Seriously, Mrs. Hughes, annulment, look it up in one of Daisy’s books.

In the hallway, Thomas and Andy try to decide whose room they’ll meet up in later. Unfortunately, they’re not talking about hooking up. It’s just to teach dyslexic Andy how to read books about pigs. Sigh. Mrs. Patmore overhears and assumes they’re going to make sweet love to each other. In an alternate universe where the Downton writers know what they’re doing, that is what’s really going on.

In London, Mary gives Anna a hard time for being late to dress her. Anna explains that she had to take a freakin’ bus and also had to, you know, figure out if her baby is going to live or not (thanks for asking, Mary!).

Back at the Abbey, Cora is all excited about her new position at the hospital. Robert condescendingly explains that she shouldn’t worry her little head with work and should just stay home and serve no purpose like him. When the boa finishes with Carson, he should slither upstairs and take care of Robert too.

In London, Mary meets up with a bunch of her boo’s friends. She doesn’t exactly make the best first impression. “A table of singletons at our age, well done.” One of the girls at the table explains that they’re war widows. Mary is like I’m not. My husband just sucked at driving.

Over at the Carson cottage, it’s dinner time a.k.a. let-me-ridicule-my-new-wife-incessantly-until-she-stabs-me-dead o’clock. Carson wishes Mrs. Hughes hadn’t forgotten the lemon for his salmon. He also wishes she would’ve whipped up some horseradish, thinned with a little sour cream. And the skin on the duck better be crispy! Oh, and Mrs. Hughes isn’t allowed to drink anymore out of respect for Robert’s combustible ulcer. Yikes. If I were Hughes, I would knock the dinner onto the floor, call up alcoholic Denker and spend all night doing this:

Back in London, Mary goes on a walk with her new man and they go from 0 to make out in the rain and say I love you for the first time. They even negotiate how often Mary will visit the racetrack to watch him drive around when they’re married. I get that we’re in the final few episodes and need to move things along, but come on now, these two have hung out like four times in their lives. I have a more robust relationship with the guy who owns the corner store near my house.

When Mary gets home, she drinks whiskey (my kind of girl!) and kicks it with Branson who never seems to do much of anything these days. From revolutionary chauffeur to neutered layabout. Sybil’s death really messed everything up. Anyway, Mary slings some mud in Edith’s direction, who’s not even around, by calling her new boyfriend “boring to an Olympic degree,” because she’s drunk and crapping all over Edith is fun.

In a distant part of Yorkshire, Olympic bore himself walks along the road with a bunch of luggage because Edith sucks at life and couldn’t get her car to start. They both seem like bad kissers.

At Isobel’s place, Lord Merton shows up with his nasty son’s new fiance. She’s explains that she’s an Isobel groupie and apologizes for being engaged to a monster. Operation Win Her Back Before the Christmas Special is in full effect.

In the Downton kitchen, the servants talk about Daisy’s imminent test. Daisy is excited in a cute baby Gizmo type of way.

But then Mrs. Patmore mentions Daisy’s father-in-law and Daisy transforms into a crazy jealous Gremlin freak.

Mrs. Patmore vows to contact him anyway because she doesn’t want to be a virgin on her death bed.

Upstairs, Edith decides a third date is as good a time as any to introduce her new boyfriend to her sleeping super secret daughter.

Downstairs, Daisy’s father-in-law shows up to give Mrs. Patmore some I-secretly-love-you vegetables. Daisy is not pleased:

Upstairs, Olympic bore coaches the family on how to host a proper open house. Damn, Mary was right; I am bored.

Downstairs, Mr. Carson similarly bores everyone with open house talk. He also manages to insult Daisy’s appearance by reminding her to “look presentable.” Ugh, where is that boa?!

Back upstairs, Mary tells Branson she’s going to get over the fact that her husband died in a car crash and start liking cars again so that her new boo will keep liking her. Good for her, I guess?

Elsewhere, Robert tells Cora that Edith’s new dude doesn’t have any prospects. Cora replies, “What are Edith’s prospects?” Ouch, mama! But I guess she’s right; beggars who are willing to date their burn victim cousin can’t be choosers.

In a hallway downstairs, Carson catches Andy coming out of Thomas’ bedroom. The music turns sinister and gay panic ensues, just in case you forgot that, on top of all his other awful qualities, Carson is also relentlessly homophobic.

The next day, the riff raff arrive to gawk at the Abbey. They have a lot of questions about architects and painters and Cora, Edith and Mary don’t know anything about anything. The poor people are like Ew, read a book.

The Dowager swoops in and has the best crowd control skills: making a disgusted face until people move out of the way. She finds Cora and makes a scene over being pushed out of the hospital. She doesn’t want to see Cora’s face again until she becomes “used to having a traitor in the family.” Despite this storyline being so very tired, this freakout works because of Maggie Smith. She is really too good for this show.

A random village boy shows up in Robert’s room and they have a conversation about how annoying moms can be and why people live in big houses. The boy seems smarter than Robert, which isn’t that hard of a feat actually.

Downstairs, Mrs. Patmore takes Carson aside to air out her concerns that Andy is being converted into a gay by Thomas. I’m running out of people I can stand.

Outside, Lord Merton is still trotting out his future daughter-in-law in a bid to make everyone forget that his sons wanted Isobel dead. It will probably work.

Downstairs, Carson corners Thomas and tries to get him to confess to seducing Andy. Thomas denies it and asks if, after all these years, his word is still not good enough. Carson says nope. And then Denker and Mrs. Hughes, drunk out of their gourds, jump out of nowhere and set Carson on fire. What? A boy can dream.

Upstairs, the rich folk talk about how their way of life has become like “a fat lady in the circus.” Mary vows to stay in the house forever and ever. Yeah, good luck with that, poor oily driver lover.

In the dark, all alone, Thomas sits in a rocking chair and weeps.

And scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Carson: I hope one of his organs blows up.

HONORABLE MENTION: Edith: She landed some good punches, got to kiss a boy, and no one kidnapped her baby. A good week, all in all!

BRONZE: Mrs. Hughes: The fact that she hasn’t poisoned Carson yet is truly astounding.

SILVER: Mary: She drank some whiskey, made out in the rain and wore a cool headband. Is there more to life than that?

GOLD: Thomas: Someday, someone will give him a piggy back ride. Actually, probably not.

Until next week!

Previous Season 6 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 5 Recap: Sunday Bloody Sunday

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 4 Recap: I Will Remember You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 3 Recap: Chapel of Love

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 2: All That She Wants Is Another Baby

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Premiere Recap: Let’s Talk About Sex

It’s been a week since Carson bullied Mrs. Hughes so hard that she’s probably considering poisoning his food and bullied Thomas so hard that he sobbed in a rocking chair in the dark all by himself. Will they join forces and take him out at long last? Will a boa constrictor do their dirty work for them, like I hoped for last week? Or will one of Carson’s organs self-implode since all the cool old white dudes’ innards are doing that these days? Only one way to find out! On with the show!

Mary’s one-dimensional future husband is racing cars again. He loses. Edith’s curse is working.

In the Downton dining room, Robert is out of bed and sitting in a chair (hurrah for those of you who don’t hate him for killing Sybil!). He’s received an invite from Mary’s future hubby to watch him race because that’s all he does, other than not make any money.

In the kitchen, Daisy is no longer Gremlin-level jealous of Mrs. Patmore. Instead, she’s excited about Patmore’s new bed and breakfast, which will keep her too busy to ever get close to having sex with Daisy’s father-in-law, hence the pleasant, non-Gremlin attitude.

Mrs. Hughes comes in to complain about having to make dinner for Carson again. Just slip in some arsenic and be done with it!

Over at the Dowager’s bachelorette pad, she and Isobel are having some serious girl talk about whether Isobel should attend Lord Merton’s evil son’s wedding. Then they speak of the hospital drama in the past tense! It’s finally over!!!! Excuse me while I process this:

Phew! Man, I feel great! So does the Dowager cause she’s decided If you can’t beat ’em, go on a long vacation so you don’t have to see their stupid faces every day. Hear, hear!

In the Downton servants’ hall, everyone does that annoying stand-up-really-suddenly-and-scrape-the-chair-really-harshly-to-show-subservience-to-reigning-jerkface-Carson thing. That can’t be good for the floors or the chairs. And don’t get me started on the noise pollution! (I’m old and hate loud noises, especially when they’re in honor of sexist, homophobic picky eaters).

Andy briefly flirts with Daisy. There is 0.00% chance the Downton writers can make me care about this pairing. Also, hey, Daisy loves books. Why doesn’t she teach him how to stop being dyslexic? That’ll free Thomas up to focus on someone who isn’t disgusted by his very being. Just a thought!

In the hallway, Carson fires Thomas without actually firing him again. The sky is blue. And that murderous boa constrictor I keep willing into existence really needs to slither faster and take care of this Carson problem once and for all. I hope Boa complains about how Carson would’ve tasted better if his skin was crispier and he had been served with lemon and some horseradish on a plate that was just the right temperature, not too hot, not too cold.

Upstairs, Robert is like Wahhhh, let me go to the race, Cora, pleasepleaseplease! Cora is like Did you guys hear something?

Outside, Thomas is smoking a sad cigarette. Mrs. Hughes comes outside and says Sorry my husband’s homophobia is driving you to suicide. Maybe people won’t hate you so much at your next job? So motivational! She should speak at commencement ceremonies!

Across town, the Dowager wages war on Lord Merton’s soon-to-be daughter-in-law. In about two minutes, she eviscerates her with a multi-pronged attack: first she calls out her fake nice BS: “Nobody’s always friendly.” Then she declares that her fiance should have been “called out and shot” for the way he spoke to Isobel last season. Then she calls her out for only wanting Isobel around to care for Lord Merton in his old age so she won’t have to. Then she pinpoints exactly what this young woman is after: the estate. “I expect they’ll have to drag you out as you break your fingernails catching at the door case.” Then she serves up a cute cherry-on-top diss: “You’re a cruel, little Miss, aren’t you?” Brava!!! This is how it’s done, people.

Back in the servants’ hall, everyone is making plans for when the family is away next week, except for Thomas of course.

Thomas: Everyone has something to do on their free days, except me.

Carson: We know what you’ve got to do, Mr Barrow.

Okay, that’s it. This boa is a no-show so I’m going to have to take care of this myself.

Upstairs, Cora complains about having to go on this car racing road trip. She doesn’t understand why Mary is getting her future husband’s hopes up; he’s just a driver, after all. Robert responds, It’s the sex appeal, duh! Huh. For once, Robert is right.

In Mary’s room, she’s still trying to look past her crush’s whole car obsession thing. Anna combs her hair and says Dealbreaker!

Downstairs, Baxter and Molesley do what they’re best at: having a needy, please reassure me-athon:

Person A: I’m so dumb.

Person B: No, you’re not! I’m the dumb one!

Person A: No way! You’re so smart. I’m ugly though.

Person B: No, you’re not! I am!

Andy visits Daisy’s father-in-law and is still dyslexic.

At the Dowager’s pad, she’s like Peace out, sucka! in Isobel’s face. France, here she comes!

Across town, Mrs. Patmore shows Mrs. Hughes her new Airbnb or whatever. Then she teases a scheme she has up her sleeve in regards to Carson’s dinner. LET IT BE POISON!

In London, Edith drops in on her OMG-we-were-born-in-the-same-year! new female editor. Said editor wants to hire some advice columnist ’cause she’s “funny.” Her evidence: a sample column that reads: “Your husband is losing interest? Well, here’s step one. Take a look in the mirror.”

Edith doesn’t mind putting that hilarious bit of woman-blaming into a women’s magazine and invites Ms. Editor to come to the races and meet the fam.

Later on at Rosamund’s house, the Crawley clan reminisce about how awesome it’s been to be rich for so long. Good times. Then Mary’s soon-to-be husband shows up.

Mary: It’s a bit obvious. Dropping in uninvited after dinner.

I Forget His Name: I hope it is obvious. Obvious that I want to be a part of this family.

Mary: Don’t I have a say in the matter?

Give the coy act a rest, Mary. We all know you’ll soon arrive at Eh, I guess we might as well marry each other.

The next day at the races, everyone oohs and aahs over Edith’s editor being a woman. And Mary gets a bit TMI about her bowels: “My digestive system has packed up completely!”

Back in Yorkshire, a bunch of the servants are kicking it after Molesley and Daisy’s exams. Mrs. Patmore forgot the lemonade (day ruined!), but then Thomas shows up with it (day saved!).

In a shameless move to rev up the dyslexia storyline, the Downton writers create a scenario where Andy is peer pressured to read one of the exam questions aloud (’cause that’s a totally plausible situation that happens all the time). Needless to say, it doesn’t go well. Thomas reads the exam question for him because he’s a gay saint. Andy comes out as a non-reader and tells everyone that Thomas has been giving him reading lessons. Now can everyone start being nice to Thomas?! Thank you.

The schoolteacher offers to help Andy learn how to read. Thomas is stoked.

Thomas: “We can go on with…”

Random teacher: “Mr Barrow, it might be better if you step back now.”

It never ends…

Back at Downton, Carson and Mrs. Hughes are home alone. When the cats are away, the mice will…sit on one of the couches for the first time ever, which is really super sad if you think about it. Thomas interrupts and wants in on the fun:

Thomas: Can anyone join in?

Carson: No, Mr Barrow, they cannot.

WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM?! The next time I see Carson in the hallway:

Back at the race, cars zoom all around and everyone pretends to care. Mary sums up the way I feel about the majority of this season’s storylines: “It feels as if we’re trapped in some witch’s curse for all eternity.”

And then there’s a big car crash! Everyone rushes over to see who’s dead. Mary is running on pure adrenaline and PTSD. At the scene, Mary’s future husband is battling flames to get his friend out from under the burning car. No dice. He is dragged away, screaming.

Mary and Edith arrive and keep asking who’s dead. Edith’s new boyfriend reaaaaally draaaaags iiiit ouuuut before saying Oh, it’s only Mary’s future husband…….’s bestie! Mary and Edith are like Phew! Yay! Anyway!

Later, Mary’s beau is distraught and covered in ash. He tells Mary he feels bad because he talked smack about his dead bestie’s driving skills and that’s probably why he crashed. Mary is like Nah, he’s just bad at driving like my dead husband.

Then Mary tells him Rosamund isn’t cancelling dinner because no one really knows or cares about dead bestie. Mary leaves without touching her future husband cause he’s really dirty and she’s wearing a pristine eggshell number.

Back at Downton, the teacher has come to tell Molesley that he’s surprisingly smart, despite the fact that he can’t ever do anything right, and offers him a teaching position. Molesley a.k.a. Piglet has difficulty processing all his emotions:

Everyone moves to another room to celebrate Molesley’s ascendance out of service. Thomas sits alone, watching the merriment from another room. *lip tremble*

In the Carson cottage, Mrs. Hughes fakes an injury so she can get out of making dinner for her ungrateful, hateful husband. You see, a normal, empathetic person would be concerned about said injury and ask if they can do anything to help. Carson is not a normal, empathetic person: “But how are you going to cook?”

Mrs. Hughes is like I’m not, jerkface. You are! And then starts ordering him around the kitchen. Yay, passive aggressive lessons in humility!

Back in London, the family is having a gloomy, awkward dinner. Robert breaks the silence with this: “It was a bloody awful business. A bloody, bloody awful business.” Everyone thinks of that bloody, bloody Sunday when he puked blood on everyone and everything. Aunt Rosamund tries to lighten the mood by calling out his overuse of the word, to which Robert gets crazy aggro and tells her to shut up. The men in this show, I swear…

Later, Mary’s future husband calls. He wants to take the “future” out of his title and just be her husband for real. She is not having it and breaks up with him over the phone (so modern!), while Branson creepily eavesdrops.

After she hangs up, Branson takes Mary by the shoulders and stops just short of shaking her while screaming But he’s really cute and likes cars like me and I really need another dude in the family that isn’t Edith’s boring to an Olympic degree boyfriend so just marry him, damn it, marry him for me!!!!

At the Carson cottage, Carson sucks at cooking and Mrs. Hughes is nice about it because she’s not a sociopath.

In the Downton kitchen, Mrs. Patmore gives Daisy a lesson: Stop being a jealous little Gremlin over your father-in-law because love isn’t finite and just ’cause he’s probably going to take my virginity doesn’t mean he loves you any less. We cool?

Back at the cottage, Carson falls asleep at the table because being a woman is hard. But he better wake up ’cause there are dishes that need to be washed. Muahaha.

In London, Olympic Bore proposes to Edith because they’ve hung out, like, 5 times so it’s long overdue by the Crawley standards. Edith is like Probably yes, but can I bring Marigold? He’s like Who? Edith replies, You know, that random orphaned child we creepily watched sleep the other night. I’m definitely not her mom, but I think she’s kinda cute so can we keep her? He’s like Ummm you’re being really weird, but okay. It’s not like rich people ever hang out with their children anyway. 

Then Edith says she’ll have to give him a definite answer later and expresses some accurate self-awareness for once: “I’m sorry to be a killjoy, but I must.” It’s as though she’s read all my recaps that make fun of her for being an amalgamation of Jan Brady and Debbie Downer!

Over at Mrs. Patmore’s Airbnb, things are going really well. But when she leaves to get to work, some random dude in a bush takes notes about her. Maybe her landlord doesn’t allow sublets?

At Downton, the family returns from London to find that the Dowager has sent Isobel with news of her sojourn and Spratt with a super secret present. The family goes down to the servants’ hall to find out what it is. Please let it be a puppy. Please let it be a puppy.

IT’S A PUPPY!

Robert names her Tia’a.

Edith: “I thought we always had names from ancient Egypt.”

Robert: “Tia’a was a wife of Amenhotep II and the mother of Thutmose IV. Don’t you know anything?”

Rude! Someone take back the puppy!

And scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Carson: I should just rename this award The Carson Medal of Dishonor.

HONORABLE MENTION: Molesley: Congrats to him for being able to read…unlike some people.

BRONZE: Thomas: He’s still hanging in there. Someone make out with him or give him a piggy back ride, for Christ’s sake!

SILVER: Mrs. Patmore: Her Airbnb is bringing in the bucks and she even found time to come up with a feminist reckoning strategy to make Carson shut up about how much he hates everything women cook for him. Well done!

GOLD: The Dowager: The classy south of France solo trip and that smackdown she delivered to Lord Merton’s future daughter-in-law were enough to get her to #1, but the puppy really sealed the deal. She spoils us with her greatness.

Until next week!

Previous Season 6 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 6 Recap: I Get So Lonely

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 5 Recap: Sunday Bloody Sunday

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 4 Recap: I Will Remember You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 3 Recap: Chapel of Love

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 2: All That She Wants Is Another Baby

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Premiere Recap: Let’s Talk About Sex

It’s been a week since all the straight people got proposed to and the lonely gay was mercilessly bullied (a nice and neat allegory for most of human history). Will there be a double wedding with you-can’t-borrow-my-fancy-coat, no-I-don’t-want-my-reception-there drama? Will this episode reveal that Thomas stowed away on the Dowager’s south of France-bound ship in search for warmer climes and shirtless boys? Will Carson step on a stair devastated by termites and fall to his death? Only one way to find out! On with the show!

On a typical overcast day in England, Edith and Cora walk around the grounds with super unnecessary parasols. Cora advises Edith to tell her boyfriend that she’s actually Marigold’s mom. Edith is like Or! I can keep pretending that she’s just a random orphan that follows me around!

Over in the servants’ courtyard, the Sergeant is paying a visit because these people can’t not sloppily kill people or get roped into some type of criminal activity for one day. This time, it’s Mrs. Patmore’s turn to be interrogated. Turns out her Airbnb guests were *pearl clutch* having an affair! And now everyone in town thinks her cute bed and breakfast is a brothel. Mrs. Patmore almost passes out because she’s never had sex in her entire life, and the unfairness of some people getting to do it with multiple partners is just too damn much for her equilibrium to take.

Upstairs, Robert and Rosamund are moving their mouths, but all I can focus on is new puppy Tia’a teething on a wicker basket. Dear Downton writers, thanks for realizing that the only way I can deal with Robert scenes is if there is a cute baby animal in the frame.

Robert and Rosamund watch Edith and Cora through a window. Parasols? Really? is unspoken between them, but understood. They wonder if Edith will get dumped. They decide: statistically, duh.

In town, Mary comes out of a shop with a mystery package. More contraceptives? She and Branson notice a newspaper with the headline “English Marquess Dies in Tangier.” Please don’t let it be Edith’s boyfriend’s employer who spends all his time painting local Moroccan boys. He’s supposed to come back and be Thomas’ sugar daddy!

Ugh, it’s him.

In the servants’ rec room, Anna and Bates are laughing about Mrs. Patmore’s predicament. They’ve replaced sulking and sobbing in the shoe polish room with reveling in others’ misery. At least it’s not us this time!

In another corner of the room, Terrible Self-Esteem #1 and Terrible Self Esteem #2 (cheat code: Molesley and Baxter) have anxiety about not being good enough, per usual.

Over at Isobel’s place, Lord Merton stops by to discuss his son’s wedding invite. Why is Isobel bickering with her ex when she could be on Spring Break with the Dowager in France? Merton brings up how nice his son’s fiance is and Isobel takes a page out of Mariah’s shade book and says:

In Carson’s office, Mrs. Hughes tells him about Mrs. Patmore’s Airbnb brothel. He forbids her to say a word about it to anyone else. Meanwhile, upstairs, Anna is cracking up while spilling all the details to Mary. Why is she so gleefully mean all of a sudden? Is her pregnancy a Rosemary’s Baby type of thing? Bates is pretty devilish.

Mary changes the subject to another person’s misfortune they can mock: Edith’s boyfriend’s possible unemployment due to the death of Thomas’ almost sugar daddy. “My romance might not be the only one to come to an untimely end,” Mary gloats, stopping herself just short of capping her sentence off with a hearty MUAHAHA!

Downstairs, Mrs. Patmore is still reeling over people having extramarital sex on her duvet cover. But there’s no time to deal with her emotions right now cause the schoolteacher drops in to tell Daisy that she passed her tests. Every time a dragged out storyline comes to a close on this show, an angel gets its wings.

Upstairs, the family is sitting around tsk tsk-ing about Edith’s misfortune. Did the three bubble bubble toil and trouble witches from Macbeth curse her or something? they wonder. But don’t cry for Edith, Argentina, ’cause turns out her boyfriend is the heir, which means Edith will now outrank all these losers!

Everyone is super excited because this news will allow them to be even bigger snobs. Well, almost everyone. Mary’s near-stroke reaction:

After six seasons of mockery, Edith a.k.a Jan Brady finally gets the last laugh. Good for her!

Downstairs, Molesley tries to be brave and ask for time off so he can become a teacher. Because Thomas hasn’t been in this episode yet, Carson sets his bullying crosshairs on Molesley’s sweaty little face and says, “And what makes you think you’ll be any good? There are plenty of little boys who want to be famous cricketers. It’s not enough to make them champions.” Ughhh, next time Carson’s on a walk, can lightning strike a tree branch, causing it to break and become a giant splinter in his torso?

Later that night, Robert and Cora talk about Edith’s lucky twist of fate. “For poor old Edith who couldn’t make her dolls do what she wanted, it is rather wonderful!” If I ever re-watch this entire series (I won’t), I would like to make a drinking game out of it. Every time someone refers to Edith as “poor old Edith,” take a body shot. Warning: don’t try this at home unless you want to puke blood on your dinner companions from a burst liver.

The next day, Mary and Branson walk around the property, pretending to work. It isn’t long before Branson repeats his desperate plea for Mary to marry what’s his face: But he’s really cute and likes cars like me and I really need another dude in the family that isn’t Edith’s boring to an Olympic degree boyfriend so just marry him, damn it, marry him for me!!!! But he adds one thing he didn’t mention last week: Oh and yeah, Marigold is totally Edith’s real daughter.

Back at the house, Robert and Rosamund fight like only siblings can over whether Edith should tell her boyfriend about Marigold or not:

Robert: You haven’t got children. You don’t understand these things.

Rosamund: No. I haven’t had children, as you so kindly remind me, but I hope I do have a sense of decency.

Robert: How long are you planning to stay? Your cold must have cleared by now.

Edith and her newly fancy boyfriend interrupt the squabbling. When talking about his dead cousin/employer, he uses coded language that makes me believe the Marquess really could have been perfect for Thomas: “He was…so delicate.” That’s 1925 talk for:

Cora makes Edith’s man cry and he says, “Goodness. I’m afraid you’ve made me blub.” First off, I’m stealing this line for my real life. And second, sure, he’s boring, but there’s something winningly naive about him.

Downstairs, Thomas, who I was about to issue an Amber Alert for, turns up. A potential employer has written to tell him Yeah, no thanks. He internally screams.

Upstairs in the dining room, Edith’s rich boy toy uses more coded language to describe his cousin. He apparently enjoyed watching the young fishermen do their thing. Mmhm. And he was “lyrical” and “an artist.”

Mary interrupts to indecorously grill him about his intentions with Edith. He looks over at Edith and smiles in a way that suggests chocolate dipped strawberries and the kind of extracurricular activities that go on at Mrs. Patmore’s Airbnb.

Meanwhile, inside Edith’s head, this jam is cranked up at high volume:

Meanwhile, over at Patmore’s brothel, a paparazzo is stalking her and Mrs. Hughes. And all the Airbnb-ers have cancelled their bookings. A mid-coitus Turkish death, a kidnapping, an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, several murders, and this is the big scandal of the century?

At the school, the schoolmaster shows up in a graduation cap (zero chill) and introduces Molesley to the kids who will surely eat him alive within the hour. Poor little Piglet doesn’t stand a chance.

On a park bench, Edith and Moneybags talk about how everything has changed for him. He reveals himself to be quite the momma’s boy, which is the perfect time for Edith to be like Sooooo….speaking of mommas, I am one! Surprise! Instead, she goes: Oh. Uh. Erm. Ummm. We should go inside. DO. NOT. MESS. THIS. UP. EDITH!

Later on, the whole family (even the never-there children) are hanging out in the living room when Mary’s ex pops in unannounced (Branson’s handiwork). Mary is not amused.

Robert: I’m afraid you’ve missed tea.

Henry (I remembered his name!): Oh, don’t worry about that.

Mary: I won’t.

All right, Mary, it’s fine if you don’t want to marry the guy, but his best friend just burned to death so chill out.

Over at the school, the kids are destroying the last shred of Molesley’s dignity right on schedule.

Back at Downton, Mary roasts Branson for butting into her business (valid; that layabout definitely needs a hobby). And then it’s Henry’s turn:

Mary: Living in my family house? Working to preserve my estate and being outranked by your own stepson?

Henry doesn’t even feel that kick in the pants and instead gets kind of sinister, almost stroking Mary’s face with a creepy finger, while threatening: “If you’re trying to get rid of me, I’m going to make this as hard and as horrible as I can!” This is all so romantic, isn’t it?

Downstairs, everyone asks Molesley about his first day at school. His response:

Back upstairs, after a brief time out, Mary and Henry are fighting on the stairs again:

Henry: It just seems rather small to me. Not to marry a man for lack of money is the same as marrying him because of it.

Mary: Out of my way! You push in here, into my home, uninvited, in order to call me a grubby, little gold digger? You’ve got a nerve!

Henry: Mary! ……… Mary!

Mary runs upstairs and does that dramatic thing where you close a door and then despair lean all over it.

Downstairs, Bates tells Anna, “She’s a bit of a bully, your Lady Mary.” Takes one to know one, creep.

In an upstairs hallway, money is acting as an aphrodisiac.

Moneybags: Won’t you send me to bed happy?

Edith: Sounds like an indecent proposal.

Steam it up, Edith! Actually, before you do, rip the bandaid off and tell him about Marigold. Come on! You’re almost there! That’s right!

And she misses…

At breakfast the following day, Mary comes down to find that Henry has gone back to London. She instantly gets cranky like a kid whose least favorite toy is missing. Everyone rolls their eyes.

Moneybags is about to announce the engagement to Branson and Mary, but Edith is like Nooooooooo cause she knows that, if Mary is unhappy, she will do whatever she can to make Edith even unhappier. Which is exactly what happens when Mary spills the Marigold secret. Moneybags leaves immediately and Branson thinks Maybe Boston wasn’t so bad?

In a different room, the older rich people have some fun talking about Patmore’s brothel and then decide to help out by being photographed visiting the infamous den of sin. B plot? More like zzzzz-plot.

In the Downton kitchen, Carson is very upset about Mrs. Patmore dragging the precious Crawleys into the mud by accepting their brothel visit. And it wouldn’t be a scene with Carson without some sexist BS falling out of his mouth:

Mrs. Hughes: It’s their choice, Mr Carson. They’re all grown people, surely?

Carson: Well, I’ve always known that women were ruthless, but I didn’t think I’d find the proof in my own wife!

My feelings can be best expressed in the form of this Xena gif:

Outside, Moneybags and Edith are assessing the damage. It’s not looking good. He doesn’t want to marry someone he doesn’t trust so, with a “Good luck” and a tip of the hat, he leaves her standing there, all alone on the precipice of the altar, like always. Mary must pay.

Inside, Branson lets it riiiiiiiip on Mary, saying everything anyone has ever wanted to say to and about her:

“Don’t play the innocent with me. Don’t lie! Not to me! You can’t stop ruining things! For Edith, for yourself! You’d pull in the sky if you could! Anything to make you feel less frightened and alone! You ruined Edith’s life today! How many lives are you going to wreck just to smother your misery? You’re a coward, Mary. Like all bullies, you’re a coward!”

In the servants’ hallways, Baxter and Anna are being chummy because they were born straight and don’t have too much to worry about. Saddled with tons of gay shame, Thomas sadly walks past them to his room. I’m 99% sure he’s about to kill himself. Julian Fellowes, don’t you dare.

Upstairs, it’s Edith’s turn to unload a lifetime of real talk on Mary:

“Just shut up! Who do you think you’re talking to? Mama? Your maid? I know you! I know you to be a nasty, jealous, scheming bitch! You’re a bitch! Not content with ruining your own life, you’re determined to ruin mine! Don’t demean yourself by trying to justify your venom. Just go. And you’re wrong as you so often are. Henry’s perfect for you. You’re just too stupid and stuck up to see it! Still at least he’s got away from you. Which is something to give thanks for, I suppose.”

Meanwhile, unaware of all the juiciness going on all over the house, the old rich people tell Mrs. Patmore they want to help her. Carson can’t help being a monster:

Carson: I wouldn’t like to see this family dragged into a tawdry, local brouhaha.

Mrs. Patmore: [crying] He means me.

Robert shuts him down. A small victory, but I’m still waiting on a falling branch or a boa constrictor or an exploding ulcer or a dash of arsenic or a very heavy anvil to take care of this problem.

On a boring walk, Baxter tries to pep Molesley up for his next match against the ruthless 8-year-olds. That’s when Molesley mentions something weird Thomas said about hoping he would make more of his life than Thomas ever did with his. Nooooooo. Baxter runs back to the house, while Molesley keeps derping along.

Back at the house, Baxter races around, looking for Thomas. Andy says he went for a bath. Ughhhhhh. They break down the door and, sure enough, Thomas is in a bathtub full of his own blood.

In the kitchen, Daisy decides to…oh, who cares! Thomas might be dead! :-(((

Meanwhile, Edith is driving through town and is pretty open to hitting pedestrians, if she has to. Thankfully, she spots Branson before she mows anyone down. They talk about everything but the fact that Thomas might be dead!

Back at Downton, Thomas is not dead (hallelujah!). Mrs. Hughes, Andy and Baxter work together to get him out of the tub. Baxter says, “I hate to think he was so unhappy.” Translation: I hate to think that all the homophobia and intolerance administered by you two and Mr. Carson and, like, everyone else made him want to die. Good work, a-holes.

At the school, Daisy eavesdrops on Molesley’s lecture, which is basically a Bernie Sanders stump speech. Nut shell: Billionaires aren’t better than us. Learning should be accessible to all and should be free and stuff. Marxist Daisy melts into this:

Across town, the family is about to lay into Mary for destroying Edith’s life, but Carson interrupts with the Thomas news. Mary doesn’t even flinch. Instead, she slowly gets up, walks over to pour some tea and then super casually hurls a grenade into Robert’s face: “Do you still think dismissing Barrow was a useful saving, Papa?” Ka-blooey! She is hateful, but she’s not wrong.

Downstairs, everyone is pretty much over that whole Thomas-tried-to-take-his-own-life-because-of-us thing. Instead, they talk about how awesome Molesley is.

In Mary’s room, she is feeling like maybe she overdid it a smidge today. Her blind rage is replaced by tail-between-the-legs contrition. Until it switches back to rage again when Anna brings up Henry. Old habits die hard.

In London, Edith and her lady editor bestie briefly process the breakup and then get back to business because Edith has been there done that in the sob-over-a-breakup-and-almost-accidentally-burn-the-house-down department. They have a meeting with Cassandra Jones, their mysterious advice columnist. They vow to say “bananas” if they think the real person behind the pseudonym shows up.

Back at Downton, Thomas looks a lot better, as he reads in bed. Mary brings in his only friend in the world, baby George, who gifts him an orange. *chokes back sob*

Mary and Thomas bond over how they both have Tourette’s and always blurt out the worst, most hateful things, leaving devastation and misery in their wakes. Things could be worse, guys. Y’all could be married to Carson. Or Bates. Or Robert.

Downstairs, Carson makes Mrs. Patmore feel bad about her brothel again and then brings up how shameful having a “suicidal footman in the attic” is. I’ve run out of clever ways to say that I want this garbage human being dead so I’ll just say: It’s high time Carson took a bath. (Too soon?)

Out front, the Dowager is back from France at Branson’s request. Before she can get to work at fixing everything that’s gone wrong in her absence, she takes some time to complain about Spratt not being home when she got back. Maybe he went to get some more stamps for his collection or a new magnifying glass. Let him live!

Downstairs, Carson is still mumbling cruel things about Mrs. Patmore bringing scandal upon the house. GET OVER IT. Then this Stockholm Syndrome-y exchange happens. I think it’s meant to come off as cute and charming, but I just mourn what Mrs. Hughes could’ve done with her life, if she hadn’t saddled herself with this sexist piece of work:

Mrs. Hughes: You’re such an old curmudgeon.

Carson: Don’t say you’re going off me.

Mrs. Hughes: No, because you’re my curmudgeon and that makes all the difference.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Upstairs, the Dowager and Mary have a heart-to-heart. They agree that being snobby is fun, but that sometimes you have to let it go to make way for some love in your life, even if the guy you like is kinda sorta poor.

Outside, Robert and Carson take turns quoting Steve Urkel’s famed refrain Did I do thaaaaat? over Thomas’ suicide attempt. They vow to be less homophobic in the future, or at least for a few days.

Back at the London office, Edith finds out the Cassandra Jones is…..[drumroll please]…..Spratt?! LOL. Edith and her editor bestie look at each other and say:

In a graveyard, Mary tells Matthew’s grave that she’s getting married.The grave takes it pretty well.

Later, Mary invites Henry over and they get back together. And he’s not messing around; he brought a marriage license and wants to get hitched that weekend. Mary is like Sure, let’s stop beating this will-they-won’t-they dead horse and gallop off into the sunset on a living one.

Fast forward to the wedding day and everyone is getting ready to head to the church. And in comes Edith. Surprise! Being the butt of every joke and being bullied and abandoned at the altar and spurned by burn victim cousins etc. has apparently made Edith super wise and way existential. She spreads these bits of truth in a let’s-agree-to-disagree talk with Mary:

• “I assumed you would be fairly sorry, unless you’re actually insane.”

• “Because you were unhappy, you wanted me to be unhappy, too. Now you’re happy again. You’ll be nicer…for a while.”

• “In the end, you’re my sister and one day, only we will remember Sybil…or Mama or Papa or Matthew or Michael or Granny or Carson or any of the others who have peopled our youth…until, at last, our shared memories will mean more than our mutual dislike.”

Edith is really bringing it home for all the fans who rooted for her over the last six years. Brava!

Later, Mary gets married without a hitch (because she didn’t ask to borrow one of her mom’s coats).

After the ceremony, Robert, the Dowager and Cora tie the episode up with a neat little bow and tease the next and final piece in the puzzle:

Robert: It seems all our ships are coming into port.

Cora: And Edith?

Robert: Of all my children, Edith has given me the most surprises.

The Dowager: Yes, surprises of the most mixed variety.

Robert: A surprise is a surprise, Mama, and I’m sure we haven’t seen the last one yet.

Oooo! The Christmas special is going to be lit!

But we get one last scene first: Edith creepily watching her kid play in a graveyard. Oh, Downton Abbey, you’re so weird and terrible and great. I will miss you.

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Carson: Are you surprised?

HONORABLE MENTION: Spratt: I love a good side hustle. Good for him!

BRONZE: Thomas: He’s a survivor, he’s not gon’ give up, he’s not gon’ stop, he’s gon’ work harder!

SILVER: The Dowager: She only needed to be in this episode for 10 minutes to snag second place. Her pep talk about being a snob, but not being stupid was wonderful. So glad the Dowager is immortal and will never ever die.

GOLD: Edith: The speeches! The cursing! The not giving a hoot about losing a really fancy title and a husband and a happy life! The work ethic! The cool “bananas” bit! Hands down, the gold medalist of the penultimate episode.

Until next week!

Previous Season 6 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 7 Recap: Off to the Races

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 6 Recap: I Get So Lonely

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 5 Recap: Sunday Bloody Sunday

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 4 Recap: I Will Remember You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 3 Recap: Chapel of Love

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 2: All That She Wants Is Another Baby

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Premiere Recap: Let’s Talk About Sex

It’s time for another episode of your new favorite podcast, The Cooler!

Because Downton Abbey is coming to an end, we revisited some of the Dowager Countess’ shadiest zingers:

The Best Quotes from Downton Abbey’s Dowager Countess, Queen of Shade

Over the past six years, I’ve had a love-hate relationship with Downton Abbey. Like with most romances, things started off hot and heavy, but eventually cooled way down (my turning point: when they killed off Sybil, the woman responsible for making harem-pants and marrying poor, hot dudes fashionable).

We tested our Downton knowledge with a quiz. You can take it too!:

QUIZ: How Well Do You Know ‘Downton Abbey’?

After six years of class warfare, murder, weddings and funerals, Downton Abbey is riding off into the sunset (most likely, side-saddle). So much has happened since we first laid eyes on Lady Mary and the gang. How much of it do you remember?

We also posed a tough, but necessary question: Are we too old for Snapchat?

Teenagers Are Much Better At Snapchat Than You

An investigation.

We discussed why more men aren’t supporting Kesha:

Why Aren’t More Male Pop Stars Speaking Up for Kesha? | NOISEY

This article originally appeared on Noisey UK On Friday, the hashtag #FreeKesha began to dominate Twitter timelines. It was initially launched by fans after a New York Supreme Court judge ruled that, despite Kesha’s allegations that her producer Dr. Luke (Lukasz Gottwald) drugged and raped her when she was 18 and “sexually, physically, verbally and emotionally abused” her for a decade, the singer must remain under contract with Dr. Luke’s Kemosabe Records, which is owned by Sony.

And we capped things off with a tune from one of Carly’s friends:

Until next week!

Subscribe and rate us in iTunes! And find us on Facebook and Twitter!

After six years of class warfare, murder, weddings and funerals, Downton Abbey is riding off into the sunset (most likely, side-saddle). So much has happened since we first laid eyes on Lady Mary and the gang. How much of it do you remember? Take this quiz and find out:

And if you’re still craving more Downton, give this episode of The Cooler a listen:

And we have much more Downton-related content, like recaps, guides and mixtapes:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 8 Recap: Tears Dry On Their Own

It’s been a week since all the straight people got proposed to and the lonely gay was mercilessly bullied (a nice and neat allegory for most of human history). Will there be a double wedding with you-can’t-borrow-my-fancy-coat, no-I-don’t-want-my-reception-there drama?

5 Authentic Anglophile Experiences in the Bay Area for Downton Die-Hards

By Carly Severn Has your Downton Abbey obsession reached unprecedented heights with the arrival of Season 5 (9pm Sundays on KQED 9)? Does your general addiction to Masterpiece Theatre have you craving the English life, with only the small matter of 5,000 miles of U.S. soil and Atlantic Ocean standing in your way?

Crawley Girls: A Downton Abbey Mixtape

The season finale of Downton Abbey is upon us (say it ain’t so)! Let’s put wallowing on hold for now and instead take a musical journey through the evolution of the Crawley girls! Oh, and, if you aren’t caught up with the show, I wouldn’t read this ’cause there are HELLA SPOILERS.

Over the past six years, I’ve had a love-hate relationship with Downton Abbey. Like with most romances, things started off hot and heavy, but eventually cooled way down (my turning point: when they killed off Sybil, the woman responsible for making harem-pants and marrying poor, hot dudes fashionable). But, through all the recycled storylines (Bates is in trouble with the law…again! Edith is unlucky in love…again!) and snoozy B-plots (the old people argue over a hospital merger…for 7 whole episodes!), there was one shining light that kept me watching: the Dowager Countess. Before this often great/sometimes terrible show rides off into the sunset, let’s take a moment to give credit where credit is due and appreciate her finest moments:

Wh-what is being wrong?

If they aren’t insulted the first time, try, try again:

The Godfather prequel:

You thought she needed the walking stick for stability but it was a weapon this whole time:

That time she saw Mary’s new bob haircut for the first time:

When she called her own son a waiter:

The time she first encountered electricity:

Or that time she sat in a swivel chair for the first time:

Always there to remind you to have some dignity:

Cajoling, the hard way:

Always telling people exactly what they need to hear:

Talk to you never, dude:

#DealWithIt:

Keeping religion going, one rude thought at a time:

If the queen of all snobs tells you to stop being snobby, you might want to reevaluate some things:

Gird your loins:

Not wasting any time:

She invented ghosting:

Putting your saintly martyrdom on notice:

I don’t like talking on the phone either:

Who run the world? Girls! (But mostly the Dowager Countess):

#1 fan of drama:

Nose up, guns out:

In summary:

It’s been two long weeks since Edith finally snapped and gloriously cussed Mary out! Will the series culminate in a bloody sisterly duel? Will Thomas avoid the sad, miserably alone gay trope and shack up with a hot dude? Will a sinkhole open up right underneath Carson and deliver him to H-E-double hockey sticks? Only one way to find out! On with the show!

The last Downton episode we will ever watch begins the only way it can: by getting our tear ducts warmed up with shots of babies Sybbie, George and Marigold frolicking alongside brand new adorable puppy, Tia’a. This is going to be a long, emotional 93 minutes! I’m guessing you and I will both ugly cry at least once.

The whole family is on a stroll. Lady Mary obviously doesn’t read my recaps because, despite my strong opinions on the matter, she insists on using a parasol, even though there is no sun anywhere in England.

Edith has decided to move to London and enlist Marigold in a school (*pearl clutch*). Robert, whose only function is to represent dusty, out-dated points of view, is like But no! Everyone ignores him.

Cousin Isobel, ever the you-know-what-stirrer, asks, “Does [Marigold] have any relations who ought to be kept informed?” The Crawleys, who have won worst-secret-keepers-in-all-the-land six years running, all look at each other with expressions reserved for people who’ve just farted, but poorly pretend they didn’t. Isobel doesn’t catch on cause she’s too busy gloating to herself over being right about that boring hospital merger thing that we spent SEVEN ENTIRE EPISODES on.

Edith ends the scene by accepting her fate, which has seemed inevitable since episode one: “Anyway, I’m a spinster, aren’t I? And spinsters live alone.” Poor Jan. And poor Marigold, really, who’s in store for a life that resembles Grey Gardens. (OMG, it just clicked that Big and Little Edie’s real names were…Edith!)

Robert alludes to the Dowager being ill. So help me, goddess, if Julian Fellowes kills her off in this episode, I will buy a bunch of Tae Bo tapes, train for many weeks as a champion fighter, travel to England and kick his ass.

Henry smokes a cigarette as despairingly as possible to get Mary’s attention. It works. Mary is like, Hey, sorry about your dead friend. Henry then reveals he’s not so into cars and racing anymore. Mary thinks to herself that the money she paid that auto-mechanic to mess with Henry’s friend’s car was well worth it. Oh, come on, would you put it past her?

In the shoe polish room, where everything happens, Thomas approaches Baxter, Andy and Anna to thank them for saving his life post-suicide attempt. Baxter and Andy react like normal, empathetic human beings, by saying they were glad to do it and are glad he gets to stay a bit longer. Anna takes a different approach: “Why not use the time [you have left here] to try and understand what brought you so low?” Ex-squeeze me? Victim blaming? Really? Also, it won’t take too much time to understand what brought him to slit his wrists: homophobic bullies like Carson, Robert, Andy and your very own husband. Get out of here, Anna.

Over at the Dowager’s bachelorette pad, she is very much alive (*cancels Tae Bo order*) and gossiping with cousin Isobel. Apparently, Isobel’s ex’s rude son invited her to tea, but then flaked. Oh, who cares, we all know this is heading to Isobel getting back with Lord Merton, let’s just fast forward to the wedding and spend this precious time watching the Dowager judge all the attendees mercilessly, give a boozy, barbed speech, and dance on a table to the beat of a rowdy quintet.

In Mrs. Hughes office, she and Anna discuss maternity leave. Carson comes in and, you guessed it, announces his disapproval of lady’s maids being pregnant and/or married. He makes me so angry that I wish I had a prosthetic leg just so I could throw it at him.

Outside, Edith hears a cocktail shaker and says, “What a cheering sound!” Do you blame her? Before therapy stopped being taboo, drinking a sh*t ton was the only way to deal. And, boy, does she have a lot to deal with. Edith and all the other rich people enjoy their cocktails because all the dead relatives, burst ulcers and aborted engagements are behind them now. Or are they???

In the downstairs kitchen, Andy is bragging about how he can read and stuff now. Cool. Thomas comes by and jokingly tells him to stop the “love talk” with Daisy. Aw, I’m glad he’s accepted Andy’s non-gayness. Can’t say the same for myself, though. #LetThomasMakeOut! Daisy is offended by the prospect of Andy as a lover because everything she does in this season has to make zero sense. Mrs. Patmore is like, Girl, please.

Upstairs, the rich folk are talking about visiting the under-the-weather Dowager (*reorders Tae Bo tapes*), when Carson’s body goes berserk for a second, causing him to spill a bunch of wine. OMG, did someone request another exploding, potentially fatal ulcer? Yep! That was me!

Downstairs, Andy approaches Mrs. Patmore and asks, “Is Daisy interested in men?” BA HA HA.

Mrs. Patmore assures him that Daisy isn’t a lesbian and Andy vows to date her. Series finales are always like this: throwing different characters together like spaghetti at a wall and seeing what sticks.

The next day, Thomas gets some good news for a change. He got a job! Carson gloats, but I’m not even mad about it cause his days are numbered, muahaha.

Across town, Denker paints her nails a scandalous nude color! Good for her.

Edith drops in to talk to Spratt a.k.a. Cassandra Jones about how awesome he is at writing about lady things. So awesome that he’s getting a full page spread in every issue from now on! This storyline is amazing.

In town, Molesley tells Baxter he doesn’t really get the point of shampoo (he probably doesn’t like it cause it makes his shoe polish hair dye run). They bump into the schoolmaster, who offers Molesley a full-time position and an apartment. Another storyline, quickly wrapped lickety-split.

On a drive to London, Edith makes Henry promise not to tell Mary about Spratt’s secret identity. He asks why not and Edith gives a loaded look like Uhhhh, remember the last time she found out a secret and got me de-titled and mercilessly dumped?! Yeah, so zip the lip, pretty boy.

Back at the Dowager’s, Denker doesn’t waste any time threatening Spratt in order to find out what he’s hiding. Her wig really does deserve an acting award, or at least a prize for most attention-grabbing accessory.

Back at the Abbey, Andy asks Daisy to go on a walk and she’s like:

Mrs. Patmore tells her to chill out.

A few minutes later, Carson interrupts a convo between Mrs. Patmore and Hughes. He takes a cup of tea and his hand shakes a bunch.

Mrs. Hughes follows him into his office to confront him about whatever is going on with his health, but he denies anything is going on until Molesley comes in to share his good news (bad idea). Carson obviously makes Molesley feel like crap about his new teaching opportunity because, even on his way to his death bed, it’s important that he stay consistent in being the most miserable person to ever grace the moors of Yorkshire.

Over at the Dowager’s, she still alive and hanging out with Mary and Robert. Edith’s breakup comes up and Mary has a cat-ate-the-canary look about her; she either has a plan to get them back together or is just very pleased with how she broke them up in 30 seconds or less, a new record for her.

The topic switches to Cora taking over the Dowager’s hospital gig because the Downton writers think we’re heavily invested in that dead horse of a storyline (we’re not). Then this exchange happens:

Mary: “Swallow it, Granny. It’s stuck in your craw long enough.”

Dowager: “Oh, don’t worry about me. I gobbled it up long ago. It’s your father who seems to have difficulty swallowing these days.”

Across town, Isobel drops in on her ex. Despite humming Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” to herself for weeks, she feels like Hmm, maybe we will? Well, it’s too little too late because Lord Merton is suffering from pernicious anemia and is going to die pretty soon. Exes: use ’em or lose ’em!

Across town, Edith shows Henry her London digs and HE CALLS HER EDIE, further solidifying my Grey Gardens theory! He confesses that he’s giving up driving, but has some concerns about how Mary will take it:

Henry: “She certainly won’t enjoy the transformation of her glamorous ace of a husband into a man who sits about the house with nothing to do.”

Edith: “Well, then, you must find something to do.”

Another women’s advice column, coming right up!

Back at Downton, a huge, scary hairdryer comes in the mail. If Chekhov’s principle holds (“If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off”), then someone is getting a rad blowout by the end of this episode. Let it be Mrs. Patmore!

It probably won’t be though because Daisy is complaining about how she’s never changed her hairstyle (her age also hasn’t changed over the 13 years we’ve known these people, but who’s counting). Andy tries to flirt some more by telling her she doesn’t need to change her hair. Daisy responds the only way she knows how:

Back in London, Aunt Rosamund is taking Edith to the Ritz for dinner. They are talking smack about Mary cause what else is there to talk about really? They roll up to the table and – boom! – Bertie is standing there. Aunt Rosamund is like K byeee! Miles away, canary-in-the-mouth Mary smiles to herself.

Edith and Bertie have a dramatic post-breakup convo in front of their waiter, who is internally eating popcorn and going Ooooo. Edith is being pretty harsh with Bertie. Memo to Edith: Hey, girl. It’s me. Um, remember that whole thing where you lied to him about having a daughter and irrevocably damaged the trust between you? Yeah. Be nicer.

My memo must have been lost because she makes Bertie cry, while the waiter who’s pretending not to be eating all this up, pours champagne. But all’s well that ends well: they get back together! And no one has pernicious anemia! Yay!

Back at Downton, in the shoe polish room (where else?), Thomas tells Baxter he’s going to try and be someone else at his new job. No, Tommy, it’s not you, it’s them!

Upstairs, Robert bursts into the bedroom with breaking news about Edith:

Robert: “You’re not going to believe it!”

Cora: “She’s pregnant again?”

Robert: “No!”

Cora: “She’s been arrested for treason?”

Best use of Cora in six whole seasons!

At the Dowager’s, she and Isobel talk about how pernicious pernicious anemia is.

Back at Downton, the fam is taking off to meet Edith’s mother-in-law. Thomas says his goodbyes and thanks Robert for his homophobia over the years. WTF. Then, Cora reminds me that Thomas saved Edith from dying in a fire! That makes the way people have treated Thomas all season even worse! I’m glad he’s ditching these jerks once and for all.

Downstairs, Daisy plays around with Snapchat filters:

Daisy thinks she looks frumpy and unemployable. Andy says he would hire her. Daisy, once again, is not having any of it:

In some other part of England, Cora and Robert drive up to the gargantuan castle that is set to be Edith’s future home. Mary can have Downton. Inside, they walk through room after room after room to get to the one that holds Bertie and his mom. Then, Edith makes her entrance and Bertie’s mom is like:

Back at Downton, Henry is STILL talking about how he’s decided to give up racing. Yes, we know! I gave up yoga and trying to learn French and drinking Long Island Iced Teas, but you don’t hear me carrying on about it, do you? Get on with your life!

Carson goes to pour something again and shakes it all over the table.

Back at Edith’s palace, Bertie’s mom makes it clear that she is not moving out EVER! Everyone is like, Um, we didn’t say anything. She goes on to ramble about how Bertie must bring morality and family values back to the title because his dead cousin was super gay and loved painting Moroccan boys. So now they have to tell her about Marigold and Thomas.

In the village, Isobel and her dying ex visit Dr. Clarkson who says Yeah, you’re going to be dead soon. Sorry not sorry. (Remember their love triangle B-plot?) Then, Dr. Clarkson has to watch them make goo-goo eyes at each other, while he internally screams.

Outside of the doctor’s office, Lord Merton’s evil daughter-in-law is waiting to snatch him away. Isobel tries to have a Real Housewives moment with her, but she’s bad at being taken seriously and is cut off mid-sentence by evil daughter-in-law: “Heavens, is that the time? Good day, Mrs Crawley!” Okay, time to call in reinforcements a.k.a. the Dowager.

Back at Downton, Henry is STILL moaning about not having a hobby. He sure is lucky he has a nice face.

Downstairs, Thomas says his final goodbyes and forgives everyone for making him so miserable he wanted to die in a bathtub. He even thanks Carson. Since we haven’t ugly cried yet, the kids are brought in to say goodbye:

Baby George: “Please don’t go.”

Thomas: “Oh, I must go, Master George, but remember I will always be your friend wherever I am.”

Back at Fortress Edith, Edith decides to tell Bertie’s mom everything. Eeeek!

Over at Thomas’ new workplace, his super old employer confirms that there are only two other servants in the whole place. Thomas looks out a window and despairs.

At Daisy’s father-in-law’s farm, Daisy watches Andy seductively hammer nails, while wearing a thin, sweaty laborer’s shirt. Her father-in-law mentions Andy’s “young man’s muscles” and how he is a “crackin’ lad,” leading Daisy to have an epiphany:

Back at Edith’s British Versailles, Bertie has it out with his mother over Edith’s secret illegitimate child. His mom calls Edith “damaged goods.” *cue the Jerry Springer audience ooooo’s*

At Lord Merton’s, evil daughter-in-law slams the door in Isobel’s face.

Elsewhere, Branson and Henry plot something that probably has to do with cars. Next!

In Carson’s office, Molesley arrives to give in his notice, but says he hopes to pitch in on special occasions since he’ll still have his livery. Carson is unsurprisingly terrible: “Your livery stays here!” Even Mrs. Hughes is like Dude, give the evil thing a rest! 

Over at Thomas’ new spot, he snuffs out dinner candles, just like his desire to live has been.

At Petite Trianon, the banquet where Bertie wants to announce his engagement is underway. They are serving things out of carved pineapples! Every time Bertie attempts to tell everyone about marrying Edith, his mom toast-blocks him. She eventually relents and everyone celebrates by getting wasted.

At Lord Merton’s, the Dowager teaches evil daughter-in-law who runs sh*t around here by bursting in and creating a scene, which leads to Lord Merton finding out her nefarious plan, getting engaged to Isobel, and telling his son: “Larry, as my son, I love you, but I’ve tried and failed to like you.” Check mate!

Back at Downton, Edith is back from her castle and takes Mary aside to thank her for arranging the Ritz summit. Mary explains why she’s being nice to Edith for the first time ever: “Look, we’re blood and we’re stuck with it. So, let’s try and do a little better in future.” Peace in the Middle East is possible!

Downstairs, Daisy is finally ready to make out with Andy, but he’s over it:

Time leap to December 29, 1925, the week of Edith’s wedding! Cousin Rose shows up from America without her three-month-old because what a bother that would be. She runs around, hyper as ever, greeting everyone and not being Sybil (nice try, Downton writers).

Over at the Dowager’s, Denker threatens to reveal Spratt’s secret identity. We’re seriously wasting time on another Denker-blackmails-someone storyline?

At Downton, Cora tells everyone about her cool new job over dinner. Robert gets mad that she’s a woman with something to do, other than doting on a man. He grumpily asks Carson for more wine, but Carson can’t pour it. Later, he tells Robert that he must resign because he can no longer perform his duties.

Across town, Henry and Branson finally let Mary in on their secret: they opened a used car dealership! She pretends to be excited and not at all bothered to her innermost core over Edith getting the castle and fancy title. Oh, and because it’s the last episode and everything possible must take place, Mary’s pregnant.

Across town, Rose forces Robert to visit the hospital so he can see Cora at work and realize that it’s okay for women to do things. He blossoms into a feminist in 2.3 seconds. It’s about time.

Back at Downton, Daisy is on a mission to upgrade her look. She sneaks into Mary’s room and snags the hairdryer. This will not end well. Please don’t get bangs.

At the Dowager’s, Denker is still working on getting Spratt in trouble. The Dowager is not biting at all the hints she’s dropping so Denker must resort to Plan B: just giving her a copy of the column and pointing at it furiously.

The next day, Daisy is wearing her bonnet all weird. Mrs. Patmore and Anna pressure her to take it off. Bates silently stands by, per usual (the lines they’ve given this character over six years could fit on a single double-spaced sheet of paper). Daisy reveals her crazy new hairdo just in time for Andy to walk by and point and laugh. Love (and hair care) is a battlefield.

Anna helps Daisy fix the damage and unfortunately gives her bangs.

Andy comes in and helps her clean up the hair. He then takes some of it to keep. Y’all haven’t been on a single date yet so maybe cool it on the hair keepsakes for now.

At the church, it’s time to get this wedding popping! Henry annoyingly talks about his unborn baby in a loud voice. Meanwhile, Branson flirts up a storm with Edith’s editor because no straight character must be left uncoupled by the end of this episode.

Dr. Clarkson sneaks up on Isobel and Lord Merton to say that the anemia isn’t pernicious after all! Lord Merton will die of old age in, like, five years instead of right away! Woo hoo!

On the grand staircase at Downton, Edith descends in a gorgeous wedding dress with a veil for days. Robert is there to receive her and reiterate what everyone has said all episode: OMG, I can’t believe things worked out for you! Edith is like, Me neither! I was all set to live with Marigold, non-house-trained stray cats and grabby raccoons!

During the ceremony, everyone is paying attention, except for Henry, who insists on talking throughout about his unborn baby in a creepy whisper. Edith withstood being left at the altar by an old dude, being spurned by her burn-victim cousin, having her fiance killed by Nazis, almost dying in a fire, having to give birth in secret, having her daughter kidnapped, etc. etc. etc. so do shut up, Henry, and let her have her moment!

The priest asks for anyone who has a problem with Edith’s happy ending to speak now or forever hold their peace. Stay seated and quiet, Mary! You too, Bertie’s mom! An interminable silence passes. And, phew, we made it! Go on and celebrate, beleaguered Team Edith!

At the reception, Robert comes out to Cora as a feminist and tells her he’s proud of her for being good at her job. Cora makes a mental note to cancel her next rendezvous with her London art dude side-piece.

Downstairs, Daisy’s ugly bangs tell Andy she’s moving in with her father-in-law and that’s she’s down to go on a date at some point. If the rest of Downton‘s relationships are anything to go by, they’ll be married and pregnant with twins in two weeks, three tops.

They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. So consider Carson really freaking insane because he tries to pour something AGAIN and it, of course, goes all over the place. He turns into Gollum and spits out, “I CANNOT POUR THE BLOODY STUFF!!!” Robert rushes up and is like, Okay, that’s it. Someone keep Carson away from bottles from now on please! Oh, and Thomas, you’re butler now. A victory for gay rights…kinda.

Upstairs, Anna is returning the hairdryer when her water breaks on the floor. Mary doesn’t smack her with a hairbrush like she probably would have six years ago. Character development!

Elsewhere in the house, the Dowager commends Spratt on his awesome fashion and entertaining advice in front of Denker. Why keep employing such a troublemaking drunk? Eh, not enough time to care about this anymore.

Downstairs, Daisy’s father-in-law comes onto Mrs. Patmore because, like I said, no straight person shall go uncoupled.

Upstairs, Edith throws the bouquet before going on her honeymoon. No surprise here: her lady editor friend a.k.a. Branson’s future wife catches it. Sybil’s ghost will hopefully take over this woman’s body as a vessel and Branson and Sybil can be together again! Hey, if Edith can have a happy ending, anything is possible!

In Mary’s room, Anna has a healthy baby, zero preeclampsia. Everyone pretends to not be grossed out by a servant having had a baby in an upstairs bedroom. Mary will have the soiled bed put into Edith’s room in the morning.

The clock strikes midnight and a new year begins. Everyone kisses and drinks and sings “Auld Lang Syne.” The Dowager has the last word, as she should, and is still kicking as the camera pans away from the Abbey, blanketed in snow. And I can rest easy knowing that I don’t have to travel halfway across the world to Tae Bo Julian Fellowes into the next dimension.

FIN.
After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Lord Merton’s evil daughter-in-law: Seeing as it’s the last episode, I was going to pardon everyone, but then I remembered this piece of work.

HONORABLE MENTION: Cora: Still laughing at her “Is she pregnant or arrested for treason” joke. And props for rocking it at her first job ever. Way to surpass my very low expectations of you, sister!

BRONZE: Thomas: He didn’t get a make out buddy and will probably die alone, but he got his coveted butler position so that’s something.

SILVER: The Dowager: Mathematically speaking, she should be dead by now. But she’s not. Because she’s perfect and immortal. May she continue living until the planet is snuffed out by global warming.

GOLD: Edith: After six years of Marcia, Marcia, Marcia, for once, the people sang Jan, Jan, Jan!

That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. If you want to keep up with my work, I write daily for KQED Pop. You can also hear my opinions on all things pop culture on The Cooler podcast. And if Twitter is your thing, follow me!

Previous Season 6 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 8 Recap: Tears Dry On Their Own

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 7 Recap: Off to the Races

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 6 Recap: I Get So Lonely

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 5 Recap: Sunday Bloody Sunday

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 4 Recap: I Will Remember You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 3 Recap: Chapel of Love

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 2: All That She Wants Is Another Baby

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Premiere Recap: Let’s Talk About Sex

It’s been 1013 days (that’s 87,523,200 seconds!) since Downton Abbey left our TV screens.  Because life must go on, we moved on, filling the PBS-approved-Britsh-import-sized hole in our hearts with Poldark and Victoria, but let’s be real, there’s nothing like your first love. And we’ll get a chance to revisit that love for the Dowager Countess, Ms. Patmore and yes, even Edith, when the Downton Abbey movie hits theaters on September 20, 2019. Until then, feast your eyes on the first trailer:

Makes you miss the show, right? Relive the magic via our recaps.

Last December, we got a very vague sneak peek at the upcoming Downton Abbey movie. If that wasn’t enough to whet your appetite for the return of the Dowager Countess and her delightful rejoinders, maybe two new trailers will help!

But before we get to that, can we take a moment to talk about how rude this poster is to Edith?

I can count the pores on Mary’s face, yet need binoculars to even notice Edith. I guess we can expect more middle-child disrespect from this movie.

Now that I’m done with my little Jan Brady rant, feast your eyes on these new trailers!

Major takeaways:

We can still count on Dowager Countess for perfect one-liners:

Daisy got a haircut!

And Thomas got a boyfriend!!!

All this makes you miss the show, right? Relive the magic of the original series via our recaps.

Downton Abbey, the movie, comes out on September 20, 2019.