Friends! The ash has settled and we’ve arrived at the second episode of Downton Abbey Season 5! (Missed the first? Read all about it.) I can hardly wait! Is Downton still standing? How does Lord Grantham feel about how the village feels about him?! As usual: Spoiler Alert. Here we go!

The servants begin cleaning Edith’s charred remains of a room (echoing the charred remains of her life perhaps?) and Anna finds a picture  of Marigold and shows it to Mrs. Hughes. So much for that secret.

The committee and Carson walk with their new obnoxious patron, Donk. By the way, something I missed last episode was that Baby Sibby is now calling Lord Grantham “Donk” after the donkey in Pin the Tail on the Donkey. In memory of Baby Sibby’s perfect mother, I will henceforth refer to Robert Grantham as Donk. Anyway, the village and Carson want the memorial on the cricket field and Donk wants cricket on the cricket field. Classic Donk: putting sports over human lives.

Thomas and Jimmy have a strange parting, in which Jimmy starts by saying he can’t believe he’s friends with a real life homosexual and then adds, “I’m sad to see the back of you, I am.” Really, writing team? That’s an interesting choice. The music swells.

In the kitchen, Mrs. Patmore loads a huge tray for Molesley, which is a perfect time for Molesley to ask for a promotion to first footman (he’s definitely going to drop that tray).

In the dining room, everyone talks about Baby George (stop talking about your kids and go hang out with them!) and Mary calls Edith an idiot, which everyone pretty much ignores. Mary then lies to her family and tells them she is going on a “sketching vacation” with her friend “Annabell.” It’s a sex vacation, Mary. That’s what it’s called.

Tensions build between Carson and Donk over the location of the war memorial. Sigh. So this plot really is sticking around for another episode…

Rose thinks about asking for a radio and Donk nearly has a heart attack.

At the Baby Watcher’s Farm, the Baby Watcher (Hot Firefighter) sets Edith up to “take a greater interest” in Marigold. His wife is not super cool with that because Marigold is so cute and perfect and her name is Marigold, but the Baby Watcher pushes on.

At a tea for the old people, Violet totally calls Isobel out about her Fancy Lord Suitor in front of her Doctor Suitor. Daaaang, Violet is cold! Players have to play, Violet. Let Isobel play!

On the stairs, Thomas channels his sadness over Jimmy leaving by harassing Baxter and Gallant Mr. Molesley. Talk to a therapist, dude! That’s what the rest of us do!

Downstairs, Patmore and Rose conspire to get Daisy educated by the Hatless School Teacher.

Upstairs, Anna is in on the sex vacation. Anna points out that Mary, for the first time in her life, will be undertaking the arduous task of taking her own clothing on and off by herself. Oh no! But how will she manage her hats?! After the uncomfortable clothing discussion, the talk turns to birth control and Mary takes the opportunity to guilt Anna into buying her a diaphragm by reminding Anna of the fact that her husband is a murderer and also that Mary’s own husband is dead, saying, “…you’re married, with a living husband!”

Downstairs, Thomas smokes menacingly and tries to convince the Noble Molesley that Baxter’s past as a jewel thief makes her the bad guy. Speak his name and he shall appear: the real criminal, Bates, waltzes in to tell Thomas to shut his yapper. Snitches in ditches, amiright?

The bored writing staff has Donk make a joke about Downton being a hotel for the second time in as many episodes (product placement?). Cora, playing the part of the audience, says: “You’ve already made that joke.”

In the library, Edith tells her parents the suspicious story of how she’s taken an interest in the Farmer Firefighter’s Unwanted Adoptee.

Rose continues to angle for a wireless. Doesn’t she have parents of her own she can beg for new advanced technology toys?

Downstairs, Ross and Rachel (Hughes and Carson) disagree over the war memorial’s placement. It’s ripping the whole house apart!

In town, Anna attempts to buy a prophylactic. Bet you thought you’d never see that sentence in a Downton recap.

Downstairs, the School Teacher and Daisy get set up for tutoring (see my previous predictions). Also, Julian Fellowes, if you’d like to hire me for your writing team, I am potentially available, though I’m not sure you can afford me.

Upstairs, Cora joins the team lobbying for a wireless. Donk, the Molesley of upstairs, says: “[The wireless] is a fad! It won’t last.” Poor guy is never going to be on the right side of history.

In the shoe shine room, Molesley confronts Baxter the Thief about the thievery. Molesley, like us, wants to know the real reason Baxter turned to crime. Baxter, the Angel from Heaven, will not tell. This, of course, is how we know she is an angel from heaven.

At the tea with the Fancy Lord Suitor, Violet openly taunts Isobel about the burgeoning romance. Can you imagine a third grade Violet finding out someone had a crush on someone else? Uuugh, Violet, stop!!

In Mary’s room, the Feminist Society (Anna and Mary) meet to discuss Anna’s judgment at the hands of the pharmacist and a women’s right to birth control, but they do it in such a fun, flirty way it almost doesn’t make you hate feminism!

On the stairs, a new cast member ogles a painting.

In the drawing room, Meddlesome Thomas tells Meddlesome Rose that the School Teacher is downstairs.

Mary’s Less Attractive Suitor From Last Season acts grumpy about the fact that he wasn’t “the lucky winner” of Mary’s cold, barely beating heart.

Downstairs, the School Teacher doesn’t want to go to dinner, but she does want to inspire Tom to shake the gilded bonds of the Abbey. Too bad she’s not even remotely as fun and cool and cute as Sybil, because I kind of like her attitude.

At dinner, the New Cast Member flirts with Cora and Donk tries to fight with the School Teacher in absentia. Unfortunately, her “once more unto the breach, dear friends” speech inspired Tom and he comes to the defense of the Russian Revolution.

In the hall, Imperialist Donk seems to finally be swayed towards the wireless when he hears that the King is going to be on it. Carson uses this as an opportunity to get in a metaphorical point about Donk’s attitude about the placement of the war memorial saying: “…even kings must bow to pressure sometimes.” Touché, Carson. Compare Donk to a king to stoke his ego and then tell him to sit the F down. Well played. Oh wait, maybe he’s actually just talking about the wireless.

Outside, Molesley looks sad and Baxter the Angelic Thief continues to refuse to tell anyone why she stole the jewels. This is getting tiresome, Baxter. Why don’t you just kiss Molesley so we can move on?

In the room with all the paintings, maybe the New Cast Member isn’t so new? He appears to have a past with Cora.

Downstairs, there is discord in the Hughes/Carson Harmony Machine because Carson is from the ’70s and Hughes is a ’90s…chick.

In Cora’s room, Cora still can’t decide whether or not to sack Baxter. Spoiler: I really doubt she will.

In the library, Mary and the Less Attractive Suitor get into a heated debate about the difference between sex and love, a debate which actually involves the use of the word “sex.” Have they ever used this smutty, graphic term before? Is it even legal to say on televison?

In the bedroom, Donk nearly has an aneurism when it occurs to him that Tom might leave Downton and take Baby Sibby with him. He basically gets in a yelling fight with himself. Dear Donk, I’m suggesting for you what I suggested earlier for Thomas: get some therapy, please. Then, in an especially cute maneuver, he tells Cora to tell the New Cast Member to stop flirting with Isis. Oh, Isis is who he’s flirting with?? He says: “There is nothing more ill-bred than trying to steal the affections of someone else’s dog!” and then slams his head down on his pillow. Hey, Donk, I’m no aristocrat, but I have this feeling that it is super “ill-bred” to pay more attention to your dog than your wife.

In Mary’s room, the Feminist Society has a bit of schism when Anna slut shames Mary.

In the village, Carson and Donk meet a war widow, who inspires them to silently agree on putting the memorial in the center of town. Can we be done with this plot line now?

In the a hall, as the wireless is installed, Daisy says: “Why is it called a wireless when there’s so many wires?” Classic Seinfeld Daisy.

At the Baby Watcher’s House, the Baby Watcher’s Wife doesn’t believe that Edith is really going to care at all about Marigold long term. It seems reasonable to let the wife in on the secret of Marigold’s parentage because what’s going to happen when Michael comes back? I mean, he has to come back, right?

In the hall, upstairs and downstairs folks and even the babies gather around the wireless. Everyone stands when the King speaks because they don’t seem to realize he can’t see or hear them. Welcome to the future, you innocent babies! Next stop: Google Glass.

Also in the future, Mary arrives in Liverpool for her Sex Vacation.

Downstairs, Thomas sullenly smokes and tells Anna sadly that nobody likes him. I mean, why do you think that’s the case, Thomas? Could it be your weekly plot against whomever you see first on your way to breakfast?

Mary and Tony arrive in Liverpool for their Sex Vacation and they have adjoining rooms, which is going to be helpful because Tony has plans for them to “make love all night long.” Geez Louise! What is this? A Boyz II Men video?? 

Downstairs, Hughes and Carson are back in agreement over the memorial’s placement and, just at the moment they are about to make out, Thomas the Scaremonger brings in a policeman. Turns out the policeman is at Downton because there are some new questions about the untimely death of Anna’s Rapist. Hughes, who a moment before was finally about to kiss the man of her dreams, goes white. As usual, she knows too much.

Credits.

Character Ranking:

5. Mary’s Less Attractive Suitor From Last Season: I’m putting him in the ranking because he broke the glass ceiling of the Abbey. He said the word “sex” in the library and no one died. Kudos, sir!

4. Tony: His old rival may have said sex, but Tony meant it. The adjoining rooms and the slow jam references speak for themselves.

3. Cora: Cora seems to be growing tired of Donk’s hot air lifestyle and she’s flirting hard with the New Cast Member. Get it, Cora. 

2. Mary: I’m proud of Mary for going on her Sex Vacation and for procuring birth control, even if she did shamelessly use Anna to do it. She’s a modern woman, checking into hotels and perfecting her already excellent lying game.

1. Hughes: Hughes may not be in every scene or be the most compelling, but as usual she is aware of every plot and has a hand in most of them. Will she save Bates from another stint in the Big House?

Tune in next week!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

By Carly Severn

Has your Downton Abbey obsession reached unprecedented heights with the arrival of Season 5 (9pm Sundays on KQED 9)? Does your general addiction to Masterpiece Theatre have you craving the English life, with only the small matter of 5,000 miles of U.S. soil and Atlantic Ocean standing in your way?

The Bay Area may not be overrun with bona fide Anglo experiences (the sunshine and cheery dispositions here don’t help), but there are a few select places to enjoy a suitably authentic Anglophile afternoon, without the buzzkill of an 11-hour flight to Heathrow. So without further ado, here are the local spots that make this particular English lady feel peculiarly at home:

Best Country Pub: The Pelican Inn (Muir Beach)

As a real-life Brit, stepping inside this painstakingly-authentic Tudor-style pub and hotel out at Muir Beach is actually quite unnerving, so genuine is its recreation of the kind of 16th-century village tavern you might visit on a drive through the English countryside. Happily, its interiors are actually matched by the great pub “fayre” on offer, which includes bangers and mash, shepherd’s pie and Guinness beef stew.

As for where to eat it, the Pelican’s beamed restaurant is absolutely beautiful, but if you’re not in the mood to pay high prices, try the smaller but more wallet-friendly options in the cozy—and more authentic-feeling—bar. On a sunny day, there’s no nicer place to be than the Pelican’s front lawn with a beer (they have a great selection of English ales) after a hike on nearby Mount Tamalpais or Muir Woods. For the full 16th-century experience without the low life expectancy, stay overnight in one of their lovely rooms, several of which have a four-poster bed.

Tip: The Pelican has live music in the bar on Friday and Saturday nights, ranging from lute concerts to not-very-English bluegrass.

The Pelican Inn, 10 Pacific Way, Muir Beach, CA 94965 

Best For Aristocratic Architecture: Filoli (Woodside)

The kind of historic mansions that are ten-a-penny throughout Britain—and Masterpiece Theatre’s programming—are kind of in short supply around the Bay Area. That’s why Filoli is such an unexpected treat: a country house estate located 30 miles south of San Francisco that dates back to 1915. The house itself, built to resemble an English Georgian mansion, is gorgeous: over 40 rooms of beautiful interiors, including a 22 foot-high ballroom, a wood-paneled library and a Butler’s Pantry and Kitchen. It’s also an Antiques Roadshow fan’s dream, with an extensive collection of 17th and 18th-century English antiques. It’s not Downton, but it’s perfect for indulging your lord/lady-of-the-manor dreams (or accepting the reality that you’d probably have been “below stairs”). Outside, there are beautiful formal and walled gardens to explore, set in 650 acres of land.

Tip: Be warned: despite what you’d assume, picnics are actually forbidden on the grounds. So, leave the hamper at home or be prepared to eat it in secret, which is guaranteed to kill your Lady Mary vibes stone-dead.

Filoli, 86 Canada Rd, Woodside, CA 94062

Best For Soccer: Mad Dog In The Fog (Lower Haight, San Francisco)

When Brits grow weary of trying to somehow watch football (i.e. soccer) and rugby matches online, they come to places like this fun, rowdy Haight pub. Mad Dog In The Fog screens these matches live as early as 5am and they still manage to be packed. The bar menu here is decidedly American (the mere phrase “buffalo wings” would throw your average Brit into a tailspin of confusion). However, this is more than compensated for by the frankly massive selection of European beers, as well as their English breakfast options, including bacon and sausage “butties” (sandwiches). If you’re in here before the sun is up, you’re going to need one of these.

Tip: If you’re planning to watch a particularly popular game here, plan to arrive ridiculously ahead of kick-off or risk finding yourself exiled outside on the sidewalk. Unlike in the UK, you can’t even drink your pint out there.

Mad Dog in the Dog, 530 Haight St, San Francisco, CA 94117

Best For Tea and Scones: Lovejoy’s Tearoom (Noe Valley, San Francisco)

If that “Keep Calm And Carry On” poster came to life and opened a teashop in deepest Noe Valley, this would be it.  A deliberately-chintzy, charmingly fussy tea room stuffed with knick- knacks, 1940s-style signage and lace, Lovejoy’s is the place to get your tea, scones, sausage rolls, ploughman’s lunch and everything in between. The main draw here is the famous Lovejoy’s tea service, which ranges from the simple Cream Tea (scones and a pot of tea) to the extravagant Queen’s Tea: a decadent platter including sandwiches, salad, crumpets and petit fours.

After you’ve extracted yourself from all that lace, you can cross Church Street to visit Lovejoy’s Attic, an antiques offshoot selling china, aprons and more. (Afficionados of British TV may already realize that Lovejoy’s is named for the loveable antique-dealing hero of the UK show Lovejoy, played by Ian McShane. Incidentally, this show is also the reason Brits have always found McShane’s recent reinvention as drawling tough guy in US shows like Deadwood and American Horror Story so jarring).

Tip: Be aware that reservations are almost certainly necessary on the weekends. Plus, there’s a less-enjoyably-retro $10.95 minimum spend per person.

Lovejoy’s Tearoom, 1351 Church Street, San Francisco, 94114

Best For Fish And Chips: Camelot Fish and Chips (Pacifica)

Don’t think too hard on the mythical status this dish occupies in the English psyche; just know that your fish needs to be crisp and your chips chunky. To that end, the best fish and chips in the Bay lies 15 miles south of San Francisco at Camelot Fish and Chips, a tiny, dark pub-restaurant filled with Princess Diana memorabilia just off Hwy 1 in Pacifica. This British-owned spot has been going since 1969 and, despite a few less-than-authentic options like (admittedly delicious) sweet potato fries and hush puppies, the presence of mushy peas on the menu confirms this place’s pedigree.

Even though Camelot’s fish is pollock (in the UK, you’d choose between cod and haddock) something about the batter used in frying their fish makes it the closest you’ll get to “proper” British fish and chips. The frequently-dreary Pacifica weather only adds to the Anglophile experience, so for a true taste of England, order your fish and chips to-go and eat them on the blustery oceanfront while shivering. Brilliant!

Tip: Go the whole hog and order one of their Deep Fried Mars Bars for pudding (that’s dessert to you). They’re a Scottish chip shop delicacy, rather than an English one, but who’s checking?

Camelot Fish and Chips, 70 W Manor Dr, Pacifica, CA 94044

Welcome, friends, to your weekly visit to the Abbey. (Miss the last episode? Read all about it!) I hear a telephone ringing in the distance. Should we answer? Remember, SPOILER ALERT. To the recap!

In Liverpool, Mary and Tony are deep into their Sex Vacation. They are being so modern that Mary tells the help she “can manage” her own breakfast tray. Heavens! She really is a new, modern woman. Oh, wait, she’s not that modern: “I’ve been tarnished once,” she tells Tony when he suggests it won’t be the end of the world if they are seen together in public, “and I won’t be tarnished again.” The Pirate kisses her and departs to his connected room for his breakfast tray and Mary looks off into the distance, troubled. Is she thinking about Sir Charles Blake a.k.a. that dude she mud wrestled with?

Downstairs, Daisy can’t shut up about how great she is at math now, which means she misses Patmore’s dramatic emoting over her mail. Beginner’s Downton Tip: All important plots involve mail.

In the breakfast room, Cora is all dolled up, probably for the Art Guy.

Downstairs, Thomas is speaking his lines in monotone as a protest against his one-dimensional character. He’s up to no good, obviously, and it’s not mail-related but telephone call-related. Time and technology march on.

In Liverpool, Mary leaves the Sex Vacation telling Tony, “We’ll talk soon.” Oh, wow. Cold. Next thing you know she’s sending him a text message saying, “You’re really great! It’s not you, it’s me! Timing is just really bad right now! :)”

From across the street, the Dowager Countess’ Generic Butler spots them as they are leaving the hotel. Oooooh. There you go. He’s going to blow this Sex Vacation secret wide open! Another Beginner’s Downton Tip: If there is a secret, a minimum of two people will discover it almost immediately. Julian Fellows cannot stand a secret to remain secret for longer than one scene.

At Violet’s house, Violet is mean girling Isobel as hard as she can: “Oh, what is the latest from your aging Romeo?” she asks. To explain what just happened in the last scene, Isobel asks where her butler Sprat is (he didn’t open the door!) and Violet says he’s in Liverpool.

Downstairs, Carson engages with the kindly police man who is definitely about to take Downton down re: the Bates keeps murdering people situation.

In the library, Edith pulls a very Mary-like sneak attack on Mary and says, “Where are [your sketches] anyway? Can’t we see them?” Luckily, no one ever listens to Edith so no one notices. Also, they are too busy listening to Old Man Donk yell about a new thing he just discovered he hates: “I won’t have 50 ugly modern houses built over a field of mine!” Babies George and Sibby are brought into the library to make Edith sad.

Downstairs, Rachel (Hughes) lies to Ross (Carson) about Anna’s Rapist. Oh no! They should totally be telling each other everything! Alone, they are fingers, but together they make a fist!

Patmore pulls Hughes into a room and explains that this war memorial plot isn’t going away any time soon and she wants her deserter nephew’s name on the Downton memorial.

At Violet’s, her Generic Butler gets super coy with his gossip, but only holds on to it for all of 20 seconds before spilling the beans that Mary was in Liverpool having sex. Violet lies her face off to Generic Butler to keep Mary untarnished for as long as possible. Good luck with that, Dowager.

Downstairs, Anna and Hughes think about starting a weekly serialized podcast to find out the truth about where Bates was during those 15 minutes after school.

In the drawing room, Cora sets up a trip to London with the Art Guy, which Donk conveniently cannot attend. Mary gets a phone call from her grandmother because she’s in big trouble, and Rose is getting ready to bring her Russian refugees, who are actually like deposed royalty, to Downton. Rose, such a humanitarian!

Downstairs at the dinner table, Thomas the Liar lies about his phone calls and pretends they are all about his sick father. As if Thomas has a father and wasn’t just hatched full grown from an evil egg! Anna whispers to Bates something about running away and Daisy stops to talk about how she’s thinking of becoming a physicist now that she’s sooooo good at math and Patmore yells: “That’s enough, Daisy! Come and carry the spotted dick!” (Sorry. That wasn’t that important; I just really wanted to type “spotted dick”).

Upstairs, Cora demands answers from Baxter the Honest and Noble Thief. Baxter leaves and Cora starts speaking romantically about the war and a time when she felt useful. She’s clearly trying to communicate with Donk about how she wants to be at least a little involved in things, but he doesn’t think it’s a woman’s place to ask questions or know information or do things. When she asks him about the 50 ugly modern houses, he says: “Nothing to trouble you with.” You know who I bet is about to allow Cora to “trouble with” things? The Art Guy.

In Mary’s room, Mary pawns the prophylactic off on Anna. Um, why not just throw it away if it’s so dangerous? I’ll tell you why: the plot! Anna suggests that helping Mary have premarital sex is causing her to be punished by God, who is now running the police investigation of the Rapist’s death.

In the hall, Bates interrogates Anna about the prophylactic, which is now in her pocket.

Downstairs, Carson and Hughes argue about Patmore’s deserter nephew. Ugh, these two. On again off again on again off again.

Outside, Baxter and Molesley talk about how Baxter can deal with the ultimatum from Cora regarding the circumstances of her great jewel heist.

Downstairs, the turmoil in the Carson/Hughes relationship ripples, causing confusion and sadness among the staff (Patmore runs off in tears, while Daisy can’t decide what they are trying to say about whether she can or cannot take an exam).

Outside, Donk says he’s planning on heading to London to surprise Cora. You know that’s not going to end well.

Downstairs, the policeman is back and apparently now knows who Bates is. Maybe he showed up on a list of Known-Criminals in the Abbey?

At Violet’s, Mary is completely caught re: her Sex Vacation and so must sit through a lecture from her Granny.

In London, Baxter the Angel finally admits the cause of her thievery. She was basically in an abusive relationship and tricked into it. Obviously.

Speaking of criminals, downstairs, Bates gets interrogated by the policeman. Bates doesn’t seem worried about this. Sociopath.

In London, Cora gazes at art and the Art Guy gazes at her.

At the Baby Watcher’s house, Edith has apparently kidnapped Marigold, as would anyone. Well, okay, she hasn’t actually kidnapped Marigold, she’s just taken her to see some chickens, but the Baby Watcher’s Wife is not impressed. Seriously, just tell this lady Marigold is the fruit of Edith’s loins! One theme of this episode: keeping unimportant secrets from your significant other (and yes, I’m including Hughes and Carson here, as well as Anna and Bates).

In London, there’s more phone news: for some reason, Cora can’t get through to Rosamund to tell her she’s about to have a tarnishing dinner with the Art Guy. The Art Guy is laying it on thick, complimenting Cora’s outfit and telling her she “has an instinct” for art. Yeah, buddy, we all know exactly what it sounds like when an art guy is trying to get into a pretty lady’s underthings.

Downstairs, Hughes and Mary discuss the Bates Murder Timeline. Yes, he visited a shoe shop right before it opened, but what about Best Buy? And was there a pay phone there?

On the streets of London, Cora admits that she’s Jewish to the Art Guy. Did we know this already? She tells her origin story, which is basically the plot from the song “Fancy” except that, instead of an impoverished Southern shack, Cora came from an upper middle class Jewish family in New York and, instead of a sugar daddy-type john, Cora got Donk. The Art Guy puts the moves on Cora as passively as humanly possible and she gently rebuffs him in a classy lady way.

When she gets backs to Rosamund’s, Donk is there in a suit and he’s not stoked because: “I traveled to London in order to give my wife a treat, only to find she’s out dining with another man.” Oh geeeeeez. He then goes on to tell Cora that the Art Guy couldn’t possibly care about her stupid female opinions. Yes, okay, maybe you’re a teeny tiny bit right, Donk, but you are also a stupid jerk. I hope Cora leaves you for the Art Guy. I hope Isis, the dog, leaves you for the Art Guy too.

Speaking of stupid jerks, back at Downton, Mary throws in an unnecessary jab at Edith when Branson asks if Edith seems a bit distracted to her: “I’m not sure I’d notice.” Dude, Edith is your last remaining sister! Why do you hate her so so much? The Pamuk thing should be water under the bridge by now!

But it turns out they are all distracted. When Branson says, “It can be hard to know what to do for the best–you don’t want to hurt people, but you may have to,” Mary says: “I know exactly what you mean.” Oh snap. Mary is totally definitely dumping Tony! Why? Was he terrible in bed? The kind of guy who refuses to make eye contact? What Mary needs is a real man. A man like…Branson?? When Branson says, “If you love me, you’ll support me,” she perks up. Will Sibby and George soon be sibling-cousins?!

Donk and Cora return to Downton, just in time for the Russian Tea. Tony shows up too and so do Violet and Isobel. Are those two ever apart these days? Are they contractually obligated to share every scene? Because it seems like we’re building to a climax, the School Teacher shows up too. Guess who thinks helping displaced tsarist aristocrats is totally ridiculous and isn’t afraid to say it? I’ll give you one try.

In a side room, Violet attacks Mary by saying: “In my day, a woman was incapable of feeling physical attraction until she’d been instructed to do so by her mama.” Um, is this why Violet is tampering with Isobel’s love life? Because she’s never felt physical attraction for a man? Because she’s a lesbian and secretly in love with Isobel and so consumed with jealousy re: Isobel’s suitors? Spin off!

In Cora’s room, Baxter the Angel is, of course, granted a reprieve.

Downstairs, Cora tells Donk he’s a stupid jerk.

Again, since we’re building to a climax, everyone must show up and now it’s the Baby Watcher’s turn. He’s there to tell Edith she can’t see Marigold anymore. Not cool, Baby Watcher! Edith has been through enough! Leave Edith alone!

At the tea, the School Teacher has decided to stay, which makes Donk the opposite of really happy. She says something political, obviously, which stresses the poor refugees out. Luckily, Donk has a bunch of old trash from a wedding to distract them. The trash brings back some old memories for Violet who starts talking nostalgically about the party where they got the trash and the blue dress she was wearing. At which point, a hot older Russian gentleman who is actually a prince steps forward and reminds her he gave her the wedding trash. So, she’s not a lesbian, just a basic floozy who had an affair with a Russian.

Outside, Mary side eyes Granny and says: “I know now you understand my predicament far better than you let on.” They smile knowingly at each other. Is Granny the newest member of the Downton Feminist Society? The old ladies get into a car and Granny looks wistfully out at her Russian Prince and Isobel finally gets a dig in about Violet’s love life. The car drives on and credits.

Character Ranking:

5. Branson: Branson gets in the rankings this week, even though he didn’t do much, for launching a thousand Mary/Branson shippers. Oh, yes. Please please please fall in love with Mary!

4. Mary: Mary is taking control of her life by protecting herself from unwanted pregnancies and maybe breaking up with a guy because he’s bad at sex and hopefully starting a full-on love affair with her dead sister’s husband.

3. Cora: Speaking of taking control of your life! Cora is not standing for Donk’s nonsense and she’s thinking about what she can do to contribute to this world! Another potential new member of the Downton Feminist Society?

2. Edith: Oh, Edith. She just cannot catch a break. But her torment is our entertainment! And I think her plot line is a lot more interesting than the war memorial or the Bates is still a murderer plot line. May Marigold and Michael be returned to you, dearest Edith!

1. Violet: Dude. She pulled a prince!

Come back next week to see is Violet rekindles her love with a royal Russian and if the Bateses run off to Mexico!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

A petal falls from a rose and funny-looking brush dusts a light fixture and it’s Sunday and we’re back at Downton Abbey! Remember, for now and for always: SPOILER ALERT.

Thomas menacingly returns to  Downton from his mysterious trip.

Upstairs, the family is gathered around the breakfast table. Brary (I’m trying out couple nicknames for Branson and Mary…Manson?) are trying to get Lord “Donk” Crawley to agree to build ugly houses on a field and Rose’s long-lost father is apparently back from whichever colony he’d gone off to. Because he hasn’t complained for two whole breaths, Donk jumps in to remind everyone that Tom is a socialist. His future-wife Mary nobly comes to his aid.

At the field in question, Donk keeps acting like an angry old man about these ugly houses. Oh wait, he is an angry old man.

The old ladies travel to another town to see the Russians in a sad church basement. Really, they are coming for the Prince, obviously. Violet, so forward! I thought you were all about having the man pursue you! I thought you were a Rules girl! The Prince seems cool with it though, as he speaks romantically about how sad his life is in his sexy Russian accent.

Downstairs, First Footman Molesley is flummoxed by silver.

In the church basement, Violet tells the sad Prince: “Hope is a tease, designed to prevent us accepting reality.” #ExistentialistViolet

In the village, Donk and Mary discuss Rose’s dad Shrimpy’s impending likely divorce. So glad Shrimpy is back because his name! And scandalous divorce! Watch out, Donk, Cora might get ideas.

Downstairs, the Bateses pretend to each other that they both don’t know who murdered the Rapist.

In Violet’s drawing room, the Old Ladies Club meets to discuss boyz boyz boyz, specifically how Violet had, at the very least, an emotional affair with the Prince, to which her husband was like, babe, come on, let’s stay together for the kids!

Downstairs, Patmore is getting pissed at Bookish Daisy for reading so many goddamn books (#KidsTheseDays) and Thomas is stealing spoons (#DidHeJustDevelopADrugHabitOnVacation).

At Isobel’s house, her Fancy Suitor shows up to the sounds of goofball music. He seems really nervous, which you can tell because of the way he takes off his hat and the afore-mentioned music. Nervous because he’s about to propose to Isobel to the now romantic music. His proposal turns out to be pretty great, so great that, even though Isobel is incapable of love after the loss of her entire family, he makes a sort of compelling case, plus he’s got those fancy gardens and the big house. Isobel’s no dummy so she says she’ll think it over.

Back at the Abbey, Angry Donk has another bee in his hairpiece bonnet: the Art Guy is coming back for another visit. In a corner, Edith mopes over Marigold. Everyone pretends to care about Edith for about half a second and then they remember they don’t even care enough to pretend to care. Manson looks attractive in another corner and tries very passively to convince Donk to put the ugly houses on the field.

Downstairs, horrible sounds come from a room containing Thomas. Baxter the Angel tries to help him, but it appears he is going down the dark path of drug abuse. #NewPlotLineAlert #WillHeGetAnEmmy

In Mary’s room, Mary lies to Anna and says she’s “dreading” breaking up with Tony. Seriously, Mary, we all know your greatest happiness comes from making other people incredibly sad.

The nannies parade Babies Sybbie and George through the hall for their required 12 seconds of screen time.

Somewhere, the Old Ladies Tea Club meets and boyz are once again on the agenda. This time, Isobel talks about the Fancy Suitor and admits she is going to think about his super romantic, now viral, proposal video. #WhereWasTheFlashMob

In the library, Edith has heard a development about Michael and his attackers in Germany, who are going on trial. She cries and, in a surprise move, Donk doesn’t laugh in her face or tell her to shut the hell up.

At a fashion show in London, Rosamund grills Mary for intel on Edith. Oh, Rosamund, Mary doesn’t even know for sure where Edith lives anymore! And anyway, Mary sees Blake, the Pig Guy and the One She Will Probably Choose. Mary does her best impression of a human smile.

In the village, Edith stalks Marigold.

In London, for some reason, Anna has decided to take a note from Mary to Tony herself. A dangerous looking man sneakily watches her.

Back at the fashion show, Blake brings the girl who Tony jilted to meet Mary. Oh, Blake, that’s dark! I like your style! Maybe you are better choice! Mary decides to go to dinner with him.

At some square in London, Anna wears all black and is now obviously being followed.

At home, Marigold is also being followed. By her mom.

Downstairs, Carson and Hughes are trolling Molesley by assigning him lots of tasks.

At the Baby Watcher’s House, Edith is about to get a restraining order put out on her.

In the library, Donk and Carson look on as Patmore gives a rousing speech on PTSD and how her nephew is just as much a casualty of war as anyone. #SupportOurTroops Patmore leaves and Cora comes in so Donk can grumble misogynistically and obnoxiously at her about the Art Guy’s impending arrival.

Downstairs, Carson continues to prank Molesley by giving him more and more work. Carson, you are such a scamp!

At dinner, Mary and Blake bond over their unbreakable hearts, Blake in a stoic way and Mary in a I-don’t-actually-have-a-heart kind of way.

In the drawing room, Violet has zero sympathy for Edith. Rather, she’s interested in finding her Prince’s wife, with Shrimpy’s help. So interested that she tells Shrimpy she won’t take sides in his divorce situation because “she doesn’t take sides” (read: there is something she wants out of him).

Also in attendance in the drawing room: the rest of the upstairs cast and the Art Guy. They gather to discuss inviting the School Teacher to dinner, hopefully to teach Donk some kind of lesson.

In the library, Shrimpy and Donk talk man stuff. #LadiesAmmiright

Downstairs, Baxter and Thomas have a whole conversation about Thomas’ new “treatment” without ever facing each other. Is this a British custom?

In the library, Shrimpy tells Rose he and her mommy are getting a divorce, but that they do love her soooo much! Rose seems pretty okay with it and then, typical Rose, turns the conversation back to herself and her romantic prospects. Your dad needs someone to listen right now, Rose!

Upstairs, Cora and the Art Guy talk about “art” and by “art” I mean how beautiful Cora is and how she’s going to make him “burst.” #SlightlySuggestive

In London, Mary is in the midst of breaking up with Tony, which IMO she should have done via text because now he’s saying things like, “Am I a bad lover?” and “Well, I refuse to accept it!” Oh no, not this old song and dance…

Downstairs, Molesley the Wimp gives up his title because, as usual, the trolls win and also he hates work.

Upstairs, you can tell the show is drawing to a close because the School Teacher shows up with her political rhetoric, saying to Tom, “I can’t bear for you to waste your life propping up a system that’s dying!”

Downstairs, the sneaky music plays as Baxter reads Thomas’ magazine and figures out his secret (he’s treating himself for his man-loving tendencies?).

At the dinner table, Cora’s body language toward the Art Guy is almost more obscene than Jimmy’s Old Boss’s was the night she overtly sexually harassed Jimmy, or at least that’s what Violet’s dagger eyes are saying from across the table.

The table talk turns to the School Teacher, of course, and it comes out that Donk doesn’t know Daisy’s name!!! OMG, Donk! Mary comes to his rescue, but another fight gets underway. Now they have decided to bring Daisy and Patmore up from the bowels of the house to tell them who is better, Donk or Teacher.

Upstairs, the Bateses flirt in Mary’s room until Anna resumes her role as the Sarah Koenig of Downton and tries to get to the bottom of Adnan’s…I mean, Bates’ timeline.

At dinner, Daisy and Patmore are brought up for their humiliation so Donk and/or the Teacher can prove some sort of point. Is that point that they are both jerks? Their point is proven in spades when the Teacher just insults Donk for the heck of it and then Fragile Donk has a meltdown in front of his family and tells her never to come back. Hey, guys? Neither of you is super great.

Downstairs, the servants are all in a flutter over the Big Fight.

In the bedroom, Donk takes his rage out on Cora, per usual.

In the hall on the way to the bedrooms, Manson flirt with each other in a fun, sexy, familial way.

Downstairs, Daisy inspires Patmore to stand up against the Man and write a letter about PTSD. #HeartsAndMinds

Also downstairs, the cops are back and apparently this Rapist Murder is the Case of the Century because there is a plainclothes officer watching Tony’s house. Round-the-clock surveillance seems a bit overboard for a cold case that involves one jackass valet. Now apparently Anna is a suspect. Grrreat.

At Violet’s, Shrimpy has found the Prince’s wife in Hong Kong and Violet is sort of glad, but also calls her a prostitute.

On a walk through the grounds, Manson and Donk discuss last night’s meltdown and the Political School Teacher. Isis, the dog, says nothing. As the music swells, Donk explains why he hates the ugly houses and is actually an environmentalist and will find a green building company that will build locally-sourced homes. Suddenly, due to the music and his monologue-ing, he is a hero saying: “We will build. We’ll even make money for the estate. But we won’t destroy what people love about this place.”

They all pose as if for a picture and credits.

Character Ranking:

5. Blake: I like your sly moves, dude! After Tony’s freak out on Mary, I am definitely on #TeamBlake.

4. Tom: I’m kidding about that #TeamBlake stuff because obviously I am actually #TeamManson. You guys look so cute together! And think how sad you would make Edith and how angry you would make Donk!

3. Violet: For calling a former Russian princess a prostitute. Kudos.

2. Shrimpy: Your wife was awful. Time to head back to a tropical colony and get your groove back, girl!

1. The Fancy Suitor: I really liked your proposal!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

The Internet has been ablaze with rumors that Downton Abbey will end after its next season. Don’t freak out just yet though! No one seems to be able to provide hard evidence to support the theory. But maybe ending Downton wouldn’t be such a terrible idea, considering that the show’s quality is not what it once was when Sybil was alive and well, showing off her harem pants.

This season has had its moments — Edith’s accidental act of arson, Mary’s sex positive ways, everything Maggie Smith has done or said — but, as a whole, it has felt like a trudge. If this truly is the end, here are some humble suggestions on what should happen to the characters we have grown to love (and the ones we just put up with):

You might think this show is all about Mary, but you’re wrong. The true star is Edith, patron saint of all misunderstood middle children. I see Edith moving to Germany during the lead up to World War II and infiltrating the Nazi party so that she may exact revenge on whoever killed Michael a.k.a. that dude who knocked her up, didn’t marry her, and promptly vanished. Edith decides to prove everyone wrong and change the course of history by assassinating Hitler. She inevitably screws it up because she’s Edith and is put into a witness protection program under the pseudonym Jan Brady.

Speaking of tragic figures, poor Thomas has been pigeon-holed as the evil, miserable gay trope for the past five seasons. I see Thomas taking his spoon and drugs and moving to the big city, where he meets Virginia Woolf, while walking around Bloomsbury. She helps him get clean and begs to set him up on a blind date! “It’s not just because you’re both gay!” she promises. He relents and his blind date is no other than E.M. Forster, famed writer and fellow wistful closet case. Thomas’ emo-ness cancels out Forster’s emo-ness and they live happily ever after.

For once in her life, Mary doesn’t get what she wants. She dies from shock.

The Dowager Countess gets a very late acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She is outraged by the faux pas, but eventually enrolls. She is sorted into all the houses ’cause she’s got it like that. While studying for her Transfiguration exam, she accidentally ends up Benjamin Button-ing herself. She begins to age backwards and, decades later, goes by her nickname Hermione so that no one asks questions about why she knows how to correctly pronounce Wingardium Leviosa. She doesn’t end up with Ron.

Cora Crawley realizes her marriage sucks and has a meltdown on her bathroom floor before getting a divorce. She rebounds with that art dealer who likes her opinions. That doesn’t end well, inspiring her to move to Italy to eat pasta and not have sex, then over to India for a yoga teacher training, and finally ending up in Bali where she gets her groove back. She writes all about the experience, but is too humble to show it to anyone. Her great granddaughter, Elizabeth Gilbert, inherits the manuscript and puts her name on it.

Branson moves to America and starts a labor union and a soup kitchen and other neat stuff. He gives a really awesome speech at the DNC and becomes a frontrunner for the presidency. Opponents demand to see his birth certificate. He’s like, you know what, this isn’t worth it. His hair never turns grey.

Daisy inherits her dead husband’s farm and fills it with all kinds of math books. She studies her ass off and ends up helping Alan Turing crack Nazi codes, which is later documented in a film called The Imitation Game. Her scenes are unfortunately left on the cutting room floor because patriarchy.

Patmore and Hughes experience a challenging second Saturn return and take to the road. They kill a rapist in a parking lot and rob some stores and put a cop in his own trunk. With the law hot on their trail, they drive their convertible off a cliff and parachute into a hidden valley where they start a super cool women’s collective.

Anna realizes Bates is kind of creepy and dumps him. She parlays her changing-other-people’s-clothes-for-them skills into a career as the person who helps pop stars get into their next costume between songs. She eventually inspires Madonna’s fake British accent.

After he squanders his fortune because he’s terrible at everything, Lord Grantham finds himself alone. Years of ignoring/being rude to the women in his life apparently wasn’t a great life strategy. The only one who stands by his side is Isis, the dog. Grantham runs out of dog treats one day and Isis eats him.

The End!

How do you hope things end at Downton? Leave it in the comments! 

Welcome back fellow Abbey-ites. Come in! Episode 5 awaits! Always remember the old refrain: Spoiler alert. On to our story!

A car pulls up to the Abbey and it is Rosamund, greeted only by Cora and a handful of the staff. Oh, how I miss the days of a full house greeting party and the possibility of Thomas tripping Bates.

In the library, No-Longer-First-Footman Molesley arrives with a tray and Rose reads out loud to the family about a nudist colony. Lord, please take us to the nudist colony! (Note: this week in crossover news, The Bachelor did a whole thing based on the new Cinderella movie which is starring…Rose as Cinderella! And Daisy is one of her evil step sisters! Let’s all go watch together! Maybe Branson can drive us!)

It turns out, of course, that Rosamund is visiting specifically to tell Edith that this “farmer’s child” business isn’t fooling anyone.

The action continues in the library where Lord “Donk” Crawley discusses a “bash” he is throwing and a trip he is taking and Violet asks Isobel about her romantic proposal. Will it progress into a viral video wedding flash mob dance anytime soon?

Downstairs, it looks like Patmore is becoming a hoity-toity rich lady, basically a Paris Hilton-style heiress, since she was left “a few hundred quid” by an old relative. She asks Carson for investment advice and Hughes is like, hey, I love him, but Carson is waaay out of the loop in terms of money stuff, ask someone else (he probably lost their entire life savings in a Ponzi scheme). Of course, Carson is bummed, but Hughes is always right.

In Rosamund’s room, Rosamund promises not to eat Edith over the whole Marigold situation. In fact, she wants to see the baby since she’s heard she’s sooo cute. At least Edith has an ally now in her battle against the Baby Watcher’s Wife. Or does she…?

Downstairs, the sergeant is coming back and this time he’s coming for Anna and Mary. Get your stories straight, ladies. The Downton Feminist Society needs you to remain united!

At the Doctor’s office, Meddling Violet is trying to get the Doctor to do something about Isobel’s potential super-high-class marriage by convincing him that Isobel has been brainwashed into an aristocrat. The Doctor, smart and admirable as always says: “Are you saying that you liked her better when she was more middle class? Do you perhaps resent the idea of a change of position for Mrs. Crawley?” You know what I think the problem is? That and also Violet doesn’t want to lose her only friend!

At the Baby Watcher’s Farm, Edith the Stalker has brought Rosamund to view the random baby she has no connection to (I swear; stop asking)! Edith’s maternal pull is always just barely below the surface, but Rosamund completely blows her cover when she says: “Goodbye, dear. Remember your…[most pregnant pause of all time ever]…remember your friend, Rosamund.” Marigold starts crying because her aunt is so terrible at subtlety!

In the downstairs hall, Carson and Mrs. Hughes a.k.a. Ross and Rachel have a philosophical discussion about their place in society as members of the service class. Molesley interrupts, as usual, with bad news about the over-zealous police, back again to interrogate the ladies.

In Mary’s room, Anna and Mary do not take a minute to make sure they are both telling the cops the same thing.

In the rainy village, Tom is (hopefully please please please) breaking up with the School Teacher. “You mean I’ve made it them or me?” she asks. Wait, was the School Teacher in a dissociative state every time she came to dinner? Like, it was a psychic break that caused her to be so obnoxious and then she immediately forgot about it? Anyway, Tom is over this relationship. He’s going to change things from the inside! He can’t be seen with these idealistic hippies, traipsing around in bare feet with flowers in their hair!

In the library, Mary is being grilled by the Law & Order: Semi-Suspicious Deaths in London team. She’s a good liar but horrible at telling the truth, which means Anna is definitely going down for this crime she didn’t commit.

At Violet’s, the Old Ladies Club does a puzzle while quipping about old age, boys, Russians and servants. Violet, heartless as usual, is a bit too gleeful about the discovery that her Prince’s wife is doing menial nursing work in Hong Kong. Taking pleasure in the pain of others: is that written somewhere on the Grantham Family Crest?

Back in the library, the Head Detective tells Anna to not even think about fleeing to Switzerland. He has his eye on her.

In the drawing room, Donk is looking for some contractors, a job he is guaranteed to mess up, but it’s not just him on the line this time because Carson, now trying super hard to know about investing, perks up when he says: “Of course, we should all be putting money into building. Fortunes will be made over the next few years.” Step away, Carson! Remember, Donk has a terrible track record with investing.

In the Russian’s town, it’s raining again and Poor My-Hands-Are-Full Roserella is rescued by a Prince Charming with an Umbrella. She invites him to tea and they flirt over the idea of Russians and how cute Roserella is running around in the rain.

In the kitchen, Carson passes off everything he heard from Donk to Patmore, like he’s a Chuck Schwab employee. Ugh, Carson. Please do not lose all of Patmore’s money!

The School Teacher shows up. Apparently she’s quitting because Tom broke up with her. Oh, come on, girl! Have some self respect!

In the hall, Thomas Who Once Wanted Friends evilly pumps Hughes for information on the Law & Order episode filming upstairs. It’s hard for him to be menacing because he’s so pale he looks like he might die at any moment. But still, he’s committed to his one mode and he does it well.

In Donk and the Lady’s room, it becomes clear that the Art Guy is going to come for a visit while Donk is away. Will the Art Guy finally burst?

At some mystical portal between upstairs and down, Daisy hails Branson to the threshold and begs him to reconsider the School Teacher (ugh no).

At dinner, Roserella talks about her new love interest, Atticus. He doesn’t need a nickname; Atticus is great. Apparently, he’s the son of a Lord so no more jazz singers (thank god for Donk’s sake).

Thomas gets whiter and whiter. He will be passing out at any moment, while the swells debate the merits of cocktail parties. The conversation turns didactic as Isobel gives a lecture on manners and customs of the Native Aristocrats and Edith gives a passionate plea for a deeper appreciation of non-cocktail party things (babies named Marigold).

Downstairs, the newest chapter of the Downton Feminist Society, Patmore and Hughes, meet for the first time to discuss the internalized patriarchy that forced Patmore to ask Carson where to invest her money.

Mary and Branson walk up the stairs together to romantic music and Tom says: “I’m on the brink of a decision.” Please say it’s the decision to sweep Mary off her feet!!

In a garden, Violet grills Rosamund like she’s a Law & Order detective. Rosamund buckles almost immediately.

At the Baby Watcher’s Farm, Edith is fully out of control. The Baby Watcher is like, dude, you need to tone it down some or my crazy wife is going to make us leave the village!

At Violet’s, The Fancy Suitor and the Doctor try to win over Isobel with their knowledge of goiters.

Downstairs, the Bateses talk about the murder, which Bates did and Anna is about to go to jail forever for.

In the village, once again it is raining and Tom appears on the verge of doing something lame and romantic. The School Teacher tells him she’s “loved him.” Woo, girl, this is not The Bachelor. You don’t have to fabricate emotions because something seemingly romantic is happening. Tom kisses the Teacher, but she leaves anyway, thank god. Do not text her, Tom. Let it go!

At Downton, the Art Guy arrives as Donk in his fancy uniform leaves for Sheffield. Time for some explosions! Cora is already giving him sexy sidelong glances.

In the Russian’s basement, Atticus is back to see Roserella. The Russians seem especially bitter today, especially when they find out that Atticus is actually a Russian Jew (shout out to my people!). So yeah, Roserella is about to get romantic with a Jew! Sure, he’s no jazz singer, but you can bet Donk will be at least mildly scandalized (he’s probably forgotten that Cora is half Jewish by now).

At dinner in London, Blake has set Mary up on a three-way blind date with him and That Girl Tony Jilted.

Downstairs, Evil Thomas is dying.

Back in London, it looks like Blake is trying to get That Girl Tony Jilted to take him back so Mary is free to Sex Vacation elsewhere. Hypothesis: Blake is an American Psycho-style sociopath.

Back at Downton, everyone mingles post-dinner and replays the various plot points of the episode.

In the library, Violet and Rosamund have a new plan to destroy Edith’s life, which is take Marigold to France. Dear Edith: Do something! Free Marigold!

Downstairs, Baxter finally tells Molesley about the circumstances of her heist, which make her an okay alright person.

In the downstairs office, the Feminist Society tells Carson that a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle, but in a very gentle, non-disruptive way. Later, they will burn their bras, privately.

Upstairs, the Art Guy skulks through the hall to Cora’s room and Donk arrives home. Cora asks the Art Guy to leave, but he won’t. Donk ascends the stairs. The Art Guy tells Cora he’s the only one who cares about her. Donk opens the door. He’s not happy at the scene before him. The Art Guy has some panache, it turns out, and, on his way out, says: “When you chose to ignore a woman like Cora, you must have known that not every man would be as blind as you!” Donk is basically an animal so predictably he goes hard at the Art Guy, a punch and then some grappling as Cora yells: “Stop!” Then Edith comes to the door and everyone freezes. It’s very disconcerting, but I guess that’s because I’m not British? Donk lets the Art Guy go and then goes to sleep in his own room in an attempt to slut shame Cora.

Downstairs, Thomas and the Bateses act mysterious.

A rug is rolled, flowers are set out, the Art Guy leaves and everyone gets ready for a cocktail party. Cora looks sadly out the window of her gilded cage.

And now, the cocktail party! People mingle and Donk gives Cora the silent treatment. For some reason (she’s senile?), Violet starts talking about Marigold to Edith at this very public event and how the only option is to not be her mom. Seems like a conversation better kept for a time more private with less alcohol, but who am I to say?

Downstairs, Book Worm Daisy cannot be stopped by the departure of the School Teacher. She’s interrupted by Edith wanting to use the phone. She’s calling London. Why? Find out next week on Downton Abbey!

Character Ranking:

5. The Fancy Suitor: Don’t underestimate this guy! He knows goiters!

4.  Atticus: Roserella’s newest love interest is a Russian Jew! We’re probably related!

3. Branson: Way to drop the zero. Time to get with the hero (Mary).

2. Patmore: You’re a feminist now. What you had is what we call a “feminist awakening.” Congrats!

1. Edith: Call London! Take your baby back!!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

‘Twas ever thus: seasons change, dogs molt and stars of phenomenally popular television shows junk their secure employment for “exciting new roles.” Downton Abbey, now in its fifth season (9pm Sundays on KQED 9) is no stranger to departing actors—many of whom came to the Crawley estate from very different roles, or have since gone on to unexpected things. So to all those still missing Matthew, Sybil et al, I say: why not let that aching sense of loss be your spur to discover some dark, strange and under-appreciated stuff these actors have given the world before or since Downton?

Dan Stevens (as Matthew Crawley, last seen in 2012’s Christmas Special)

Why not watch him in: The Guest (2014)

Well, I’ll be damned if little Matthew Crawley wasn’t responsible for the best — but also most underrated — American thriller of last year (even better than Nightcrawler!). The Guest was the movie for which Dan Stevens got buff and jumped the Good Ship Downton to widespread outcry — particularly in his native Britain, where ridiculing homegrown stars who exhibit any sense of ambition to “crack America” is basically a national pastime. On the evidence of this irresistible homage to 1980s thrillers, the doubters should now be eating humble pie, or at least they would be, if anyone had actually seen it. (The Guest made barely over $300,000 in the U.S., and was met with a critical reception best described as “eh?”)

Mis-sold as a horror film on the back of director-writer team Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett’s 2011’s previous family-in-peril movie, the preposterously enjoyable You’re Next, this movie is totally Stevens’ show. Physically unrecognizable as the same gentle Matthew who stole your mother’s heart, he’s the titular Guest: the wiry, intense David who turns up unannounced on the doorstep of a bereaved family introducing himself as a soldier who served alongside their late son. He’s quickly invited to “stay awhile,” and he’s soon drinking beer with the grieving parents, picking up their troubled son from school and hogging the bathroom from their 20 year-old daughter. But as he inveigles himself further into their lives, ominous questions arise. Why doesn’t David have any I.D? Why is he trying to buy a gun? And why do people all around them keep getting injured or turning up dead?

Thanks to its insistent electro-synth score, splashy neon palette and taciturn lead hardman prone to bursts of extreme violence, The Guest has been characterized online as “Drive with a sense of humor,” but really that’s overselling Drive. It’s clear that David’s unnerving demeanor, ambiguous intentions, and his Terminator bar-brawl moves all point towards something very bad about to go down. What sets this movie apart from a thousand other generic thrillers is a) its gleeful refusal to let a well-worn plot play out how you’re expecting and b) its deep love of the “relentless foe” movies (Halloween, The Hitcher, Terminator) to which it’s paying tribute.

Whether Stevens is charming his dead pal’s mother, entrancing the aforementioned sister in a much-Tumblred bathroom scene or mounting a disproportionately vicious assault on some unfortunate high school bullies, he’s compelling, terrifying and — most refreshingly — really funny, with a sly sense of humor that’s totally crucial to this movie’s infectious absurdity. (Just watch the way he rolls his eyes and tuts in exasperation while dodging bullets.) Right up until the climactic showdown that mischievously literalizes the true horror of your high-school prom, Stevens just gets the inherent ridiculousness of the lone-wolf archetype that Ryan Gosling made so ultimately uninteresting, and its a joy to watch. So if all Downton alumni’s forays into the world of action movies are this good, step up, Carson; Liam Neeson can’t keep hogging the middle-aged hero niche forever!

Jessica Brown Findlay (as Lady Sybil, last seen in Season 3)

Why not watch her in: Black Mirror, “Fifteen Million Merits”

Lady Sybil was the first real Downton character to be sacrificed to an actor’s ambitions. Unlike Dan Stevens, she clearly harbored no desire to ‘cast off the corset,’ choosing instead a series of costumed roles. Unfortunately, her first major movie after exiting the show was the widely-derided period 2014 fantasy Winter’s Tale with Colin Farrell. (Fun fact: Martin Scorsese apparently turned down the chance to direct that adaptation of Mark Helprin’s 1983 novel, calling it “unfilmable.” When Martin Scorsese says he literally doesn’t know how he’d make your film, maybe this is a red flag?)

No matter: as you sip your Lady Sybil Memorial Martini on a Sunday night in front of Downton Season 5, consider next firing up the episode of British satire/science fiction Black Mirror that Brown Findlay starred in back in 2011. Now on Netflix in its entirety (which is the reason everyone you know and their dog is now talking about it), this British show is best described as a technophobe Twilight Zone, with each stand-alone episode envisioning a different nightmarish way our obsession with all things digital might destroy our humanity.

“Fifteen Million Merits” imagines a dystopian tower-block world in which bovine citizens spend most of their waking hours pedaling on exercise bikes to earn “merits” that can be used to skip the incessant advertising that literally surrounds them. The one glimpse of humanity in this hideous world is the budding affinity between protagonist Bing and a girl named Abi (Brown Findlay), whom he overhears singing and encourages to audition live on TV for the thinly-veiled X-Factor-style talent show that occupies their screens in between commercials. Unfortunately, this gesture of friendship and self-determination sparks their descent into a worse Hell than the one they inhabit: the world of reality television. Sweet, innocent Lady Sybil makes it down the elevator, through the teeming bodies waiting for their moment of stardom and onto the stage in front of the judges — but there’s a price for girls who don’t make the cut.

Admittedly, Black Mirror is never quite as subversive or cutting-edge as it believes itself to be, and its didacticism about the insidious evils of the screens that surround us (the “black mirrors” of the title) is about as subtle as having an actual TV smashed over your head. But each of its episodes are guaranteed to be the strangest things you’ll watch on a screen this year and, in that sense, its ambition can’t be faulted. And if its all too depressing? At least there’s a bonus for lovers of costumed dramas: Rupert Everett as one of the odious talent show judges.

Siobhan Finneran (Sarah O’Brien, last seen in Season 4)

Why not watch her in: Boy A

If that Black Mirror episode is too pessimistic for you, then for goodness’ sake don’t go near this next one. Before playing lady’s maid/certified bad egg Sarah O’Brien in Downton — last seen absconding to India, in search of bigger and brighter lady’s maid opportunities — Siobhan Finneran was a reliable face around British film and TV for years. Her roles were often in mysteries and crime dramas, but surely none so bleak as 2007’s Boy A, a sparse drama charting the plight of a young man (a young Andrew Garfield, of The Amazing Spiderman fame) newly-released from prison for a murder he and a friend committed aged just 10 years old.

After spending over half of his life behind bars, the shy 24 year-old known only as “Boy A” during his trial is given a new name, a new identity and a fresh start in a town far away from his previous life. Desperate for normality and to leave his unspeakable past behind him, “Jack” slowly begins to forge friendships with new coworkers (including Shaun Evans, a.k.a. the young Inspector Morse in PBS’ Endeavour) and find a delicate happiness with his first-ever girlfriend. But of course, it can’t last: the tabloid papers have learned that the notorious Boy A has been released from prison and there’s a bounty online for details of his new identity.

Despite its premise (drawing from the infamous 1993 UK murder of the British toddler James Bulger by two 10 year-old boys), Boy A’s handling of the disturbing subject matter is unfailingly sensitive and almost too poignant. Garfield is heartbreaking, as vulnerable as a child in his mannerisms and expressions, making the sparing flashbacks to his childhood before the shocking murder — bullied by his peers, surrounded by adults who are too tired, sick or unfeeling to protect him — doubly unbearable to watch.

As the unsuspecting woman who takes in Jack as her lodger, Siobhan Finneran’s role is a small but crucial one. Ignorant of the true identity of the young man she’s opened her home to, she represents not only the wider community that houses the kind of people like Jack in the real world, but also the deception that safe harbor demands.

While Boy A‘s primary focus is the inadequacies of a society that incarcerates children, it’s her character’s un-O’Brien-ish openness and warmth (glimpsed in the easy silence in which she and Garfield eat their TV dinners side-by-side) that drives home the moral conundrum of this kind of offender rehabilitation. Why? Because to work, it totally relies on her lack of consent. One thing’s for sure: after this and 2010’s sob-fest Never Let Me Go, Andrew Garfield has a whole generation of film-goers conditioned to start weeping at the mere sight of his big brown eyes. Proceed with caution — and tissues.

Ring ring! Who is it? Why, it’s another week of Downton Abbey of course! Spoiler alert, dear friends! Onward!

We begin with a telegram, for Lady Edith. Hughes looks on, concerned, and the telegram passes from Molesley to Carson and finally to Edith as she breakfasts with Rose. The news, of course is not good (this is Edith after all). It’s so bad that Robert “Donk” Grantham breaks his silent treatment to speak with Cora, who appears to be John Lennon-ing it for peace in bed. The news: Edith’s Editor is coming to Downton.

Downstairs, the Downstairs-ites discuss the odds that the news from the Editor is good or bad. Hughes, more an MLK Jr.-type peacemaker than Cora’s John Lennon, tries to help patch up the relationship issues between her BF Carson and her BFF Patmore.

In Mary’s room, Mary the Sociopath makes jokes about her sister’s dead husband. Because her sister’s misery can only hold her interest for so long, she becomes excited about a letter that says Blake and Tony are coming to Downton for a fight to the death over Mary. Or maybe a horse race. Either way, she’s excited.

Elsewhere, the Old Ladies Club meets to play cards and talk about boyz as usual.

Downstairs, Thomas’ treatments are turning him into an evil vampire. His voice is getting lower, his skin paler, and he seems to be smoking cigarettes at every possible moment.

At some sort of lunch, Edith waits for the Editor to show while her family talks merrily about architectural drawings, the health of the common man and Rose’s love interest Atticus (FREE HARPER LEE).

In the Bates’ cottage, the time has finally arrived for Mr. Bates to find and be morally outraged by Mary’s prophylactic.

In a shady alley, Violet takes her new maid on a trip to the Russians.

In a car, unceremoniously, the Editor arrives.

Downstairs, Hughes and Patmore, a.k.a. the newest chapter of the Feminist Society of Downton, decides to include a couple new recruits: Carson (so progressive to add a man!) and Daisy, who is actually too busy learning things to be in the society right now.

In a dingy room, Violet meets her Russian Prince for what is “not [their] first secret assignation.” This time, it’s, ostensibly, to tell the Prince that his wife is probably alive. Instead, as things are wont to do with a certain type of smoldering older nobleman, things get sexy. “If Irina were dead, I’d ask you to run away with me right now,” the Prince tells Violet. “I loved you more than I loved her. Even today. Even this afternoon.” Whoa, boy. Run away with him, Violet! Take Baby Marigold and just go!

Downstairs, the police are calling again. This time, they want to come interview Baxter. Geez Louise. Whose tax dollars are paying for all these trips?? Is this really where the state wants to invest money? Cold cases of jerks getting maybe-murdered?

In the library, Donk comes to tell Cora that they have another child with a dead spouse, though only not-an-official spouse so, like, no harm no foul, right? Plus, I mean, it’s Edith so who really cares? Apparently, Michael was done in by ACTUAL HITLER or else his closest, best buds. History lesson! Apparently Hitler was in jail for a while? But, never mind because Edith just inherited a publishing company! If Violet doesn’t take Marigold and run, I hope Edith does!

At the Baby Watcher’s House (obviously), it is increasingly surprising that the over-zealous English law officials haven’t been called to the scene due to Edith’s problems with stalking.

Downstairs, things are tense. Thomas is nearly dying, Bates One is onto Bates Two re: contraception device and Molesley is just being weird as usual.

At Violet’s, an interpersonal battle between her two servants that was too boring to mention before this seems to have come to a head over a disagreement regarding laundering underwear. It remains nearly too boring to mention.

At the Bates cottage, Bates One is giving Bates Two the silent treatment due to the prophylactic discovery. All the people with living spouses seem to now be not on speaking terms with each other.

In the kitchen, Molesley gives Daisy a book on history.

In Donk’s room, Donk is being his usually childish baby self and refusing to go back into Cora’s room because his lil baby ego is hurt. Hey, Donk, remember when you had actual sex with a maid? Because I remember. And I think Cora has a pretty good idea that happened too.

Donk apparently remembers the maid sex thing and gets out of bed to go join Cora.

Downstairs, the Intrepid Detectives are back for Baxter. Clearly this is Thomas-related.

In the library, Mary, Branson, Donk and Cora look at drawings of houses and Isis lies on the floor like a dog. A sick dog. Oh, Isis, don’t be sick! Don’t leave us! Even if your name is now the same name as an international terror organization! You’re the heart and soul of this show!

Downstairs, Thomas the Dying Villain looks worse than usual. So bad in fact he asks Baxter for help. He has some sort of horrible thing on his body. Baxter should probably just let Thomas die because he ratted her out to just about everyone. But since she’s an Angel from Heaven, she decides to take him to the Doctor. Boooooo!

Somewhere, Mary receives a horrible bob from a fake Frenchman.

At the Doctor’s, it turns out Thomas has just been injecting himself with saline using a dirty needle. So not even a fun or real drug. The Doctor, ever an anachronistic kindly old man, tells Thomas it’s best to just accept yourself for who you are and #ItGetsBetter.

In the rainy village, Baxter the Saint also tells Thomas #ItGetsBetter. Yeah, totally, you guys. It definitely #GetsBetter in roughly 100 years.

In the library, Isis is not so hot. Noooo! I can’t take the death of a character I actually care about!

The Feminist Society’s Secondary Chapter takes a field trip to Patmore’s new house.

In the drawing room, Mary debuts her unflattering haircut. Luckily, Granny’s on the case: “Oh, it is you!” she says. “I thought it was a man wearing your clothes.”

Edith, in black, points out that everyone talking about haircuts the day after her not-husband was confirmed dead is uncool. Of course everyone takes Mary’s side. Hey, Edith, ugh, stop being such a downer. Let your family go to a fun party picnic if they want to!

At the Bates cabin, Bates One calls out Bates Two for thinking he’s a murderer. It turns out that God actually pushed Anna’s Rapist and someone somewhere has the ticket Bates would have used to get to London, but it’s whole which means he never went to London. Verdict: Adnan didn’t do it!!

Downstairs, Molesley decides to become an ally of the Downton Feminist Society and encourages Daisy’s studies.

Downstairs in the hall, Anna asks Hughes if she still has the ticket that would exonerate Bates and prove, again, that he’s not a murderer. Apparently Hughes doesn’t  have the ticket, but, I don’t know, that doesn’t sound like Hughes to me.

At the horse race, the Girl Who Tony Jilted is there with Blake, prepared to race herself. Mary, whose hair and hat combo make her look like Alex from Clockwork Orange, is also joining in the race with the boys. Also, Tony. So it’s going to be a swingers party later at Downton. It’s not just the hair that’s modern, right, guys??

In the library, Edith tells Branson that she’s going away. Who would have thought Edith would escape before Tom though? Wow. I’m actually proud of Edith. I get it. Do you.

At the Baby Watcher’s House, Edith prepares to abscond with her child. The Baby Watcher’s Wife is pretty pissed that the Baby Watcher lied to her about Marigold’s parentage. I mean, I get that. He could have told her and it would have been totally okay. The Baby Watcher smolders harder in the distance than even a Russian Prince. Edith takes Marigold and one hopes they live happily ever after.

At the race, Mary gets ready to outshine her droogs while her family looks on. In what might be the top moment of the season, Baby Sybbie says to her grandfather: “Can I have a look, Donk?” She speaks! And when she speaks, she calls him the correct name!!

Isobel tells Violet she’s decided to marry the Fancy Suitor. What will we call him then, the Fancy Fiancee? The Fancy Husband?

The race begins and of course it isn’t just any race but is in fact a symbolic race for dominance over the droogs! After the race (who won? did it matter?), the family meets Atticus’s Jewish Parents. Violet, who seems to have forgotten her daughter-in-law is one of the Chosen People too, is not excited. Someone tell her about the Jazz Singer, quick!

Back at the house, upstairs, everyone sees that Edith is gone and they are kind of relieved. Violet slips out to go check the Baby Watcher’s Farm for clues.

Downstairs, Hughes and Carson are a little more concerned about Edith’s disappearance because they are not monsters like the Crawley family. I mean, they care a little but only a little because then Carson proposes that they jointly invest in property together! OMG the romance of it all! Hughes basically giggles.

At the Baby Watcher’s Farm, the Baby Watcher continues to smolder in the general direction of Violet.

Violet walks away, potentially a bit concerned that she pretty much ran her granddaughter out of Downton.

Never fear, Violet! In London, Marigold and her Mama are at a hotel and Edith is smiling. Have we seen this any time in the last 4 years? Edith for Life! Free Edith! And credits.

Character Ranking:

5. The Fake French Hairstylist: I love the way you tricked Mary into looking like a fictional criminal from the future!

4. Baby Sybbie: You called him Donk, kiddo. That’s all you had to do.

3. Isis the Dog: What is wrong you with doggers?! Don’t leave me!!

2. The Baby Watcher: Why is it only now that I am realizing how hot you are? You’re like Marlon Brando or something. Ugh. Those eyebrows. Never change.

1. Edith: She may be a sad sack and she may be a classic middle child, but gosh darn it, Edith is OUT. She’s the new Sybil and she’s doing it without a man even!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting

Bienvenue à Downton, mes amis! Mais bien sûr, SPOILER ALERT! On y va!

A train arrives. Or leaves. Or both if you want to get philosophical. Rosamund has come to deal with the immediate Edith Emergency, the true cause of which only Violet and Rosamund are currently aware. Violet apparently has decided to break a cardinal rule of Downton which is: never directly tell anyone information that would probably benefit them. She’s decided to tell Cora why Edith is gone.

Downstairs, Hughes and Carson discuss the upcoming party, which of course Mary would never cancel just because her sister has gone missing. In fact, this seems like the kind of occasion that Mary would like to throw a party for.

In the library, Mary proves this hypothesis. Rose and Robert “Donk” Crawley join the side that thinks the show must go on. Unfortunately, before Violet and Rosamund can reveal the truth about Edith’s ovaries to Cora, The Baby Watcher’s Wife appears at the door to give her the news.

On the grounds, Tony and Blake go for a walk and talk about sex and how Blake really thinks Tony should break up with Mary (who has already broken up with him by the way so…).

Downstairs, Mr. and Mrs. Bates talk about real estate.

In Cora’s room, the Grantham ladies meet to discuss Baby Marigold. Cora is reasonably upset that Rosamund and Violet are meddling meddlers who didn’t even tell her about their meddling. Cora, ever the radical American, suggests the shocking idea of asking Edith what she wants, if they can ever find her IN LONDON WHERE THEY KNOW SHE IS.

In the hall, Hughes asks a flapper-looking Mary about the ticket she gave her, a.k.a. the Bates Freedom Ticket. Sadly though, Mary burned said ticket. Also sadly, Angel Baxter is eavesdropping. Why? Did she kill The Rapist?

No time to think too much about it because Rose’s Atticus and his parents are here for the exciting party! It’s going to be so much fun without Edith around to wet blanket the whole thing, am I right?

In the kitchen, Daisy is sad about politics. She’s so smart and political now she’s basically a nihilist. We’ve all been there, Daisy. Welcome to your freshman year of college.

Downstairs, the Bateses are giving Angel Baxter the Mean Girl Treatment. If I know Baxter, she will use this opportunity to exonerate Bates once and for all. Because she’s an Angel from Heaven.

At dinner, Donk admits he married a half-Jew and is the Most Tolerant Man in Downton. On the other side of the table, Atticus’ dad and Cora have an awkward conversation about being Jewish-ish. On another other side of the table, Rosamund grills Branson on his spin-off plans. Now that Edith has gotten out, maybe he sees some potential for escape himself? And on yet another other side of the table, Smart Atticus cracks the Edith case wide open by suggesting they call the company she just inherited. Oooooh, Atticus, shoot, no one told you that they aren’t actually looking for Edith. It’s just sort of a game they are playing for a minute, until they can move on to another cocktail party. Edith who?

Apparently, there is another side of the table too because the Girl Who Tony Jilted is discussing marriage with Tony. Speaking of marriage, Isobel has a little announcement to make re: Fancy Fiance. Everyone is very excited, except of course for Violet who will now proceed to lose her BFF and watch said-former-BFF be happier and richer than her for the rest of her sad, Prince-less life. Mary is the only one who notices Granny’s sad face. When Granny lies and says the reason behind it is Edith, Mary makes her usual snide, worst-sister-in-the-world comments about how worthless Edith is. Granny finally fires back: “A lack of compassion can be as vulgar as an excess of tears.”

Downstairs, Molesley tries to re-engage Daisy in the exciting world of literature, but Old Soul Daisy is so sad about politics she can’t be bothered with book learning anymore. Thanks, Obama!

In the drawing room, for some reason, Mary convinces the Fancy Fiancé to have a party for Isobel at Downton. Tony plays cards with the Girl He Jilted and pretends like he and Mary are still together because they had sex that one time. Dude, this guy is so clingy! She’s just not that into you, bro!

The Atticus Family leaves and Mary and Blake plot about how to shake Tony off. Rose tells Cora, Rosamund and Violet about her boyfriend’s super smart plan to call Edith’s work so Cora and Rosamund make plans to head to London and Cora makes plans to hate Violet for the rest of time.

At the Bates Household, the Most Boring Couple in Downton discuss real estate some more.

In the library, Isis is clearly already dead, but Branson and Donk aren’t super interested because they need to discuss man stuff like how, even though Branson is a Young Republican, they still aren’t going to make out and eventually run off together.

In London, Cora and Rosamund have very rudely shown up at Edith’s work, which is exactly where she is hiding out. So I’m guessing she was never that great at Hide and Seek as a child?

At Violet’s, Mary and Granny drink tea and listen to Sprat complain. Mary the Sociopath gets Violet to admit to having friendship feelings for Isobel.

At a bridge, Baby Sybbie and Branson discuss moving to America. Sybbie doesn’t contribute much to the conversation, to be honest.

Downstairs, the Bateses and the Molesleys and Thomas all have a stare-down. Soon, I imagine they will all make up and talk a lot about real estate together.

Upstairs, Mary receives a mysterious phone call from Blake, summoning her to London.

In the hall, Dead Isis has been moved to a different place in the house and Donk is beginning to catch on. Rose runs into the house just in time for a lecture from Donk about the Struggle of Interfaith Marriage.

At a tea house in London, Cora tries to convince Edith to bring Marigold to Downton. Edith, do not do it!! You’ve barely escaped!

Downstairs, Molesley is getting mail and surprise surprise the Bateses are talking about real estate. The Molesley mail is part of a ruse to get Daisy back into books and also a good chance for Thomas to show his newfound kindness (which I’m suspicious of, obviously) and get Baxter to go along with Daisy and Molesley to Daisy’s Dead Husband’s Dad’s farm.

On a train back to Downton, Edith and Marigold have been re-snared by the Downton-ites (why didn’t she just go to America?!) and there’s a hitch at the station! Mary is there. Ugh. And Anna has spotted them! The Baby Watcher smolders his way onto the train and takes possession of Baby Marigold, while Edith and Cora disembark. Why, Edith? Why do you trust anyone at this point? I feel like I’m watching a horror movie and Edith is the brunette waking into the dark basement on Halloween.

At tea, it is no longer the Old Ladies Club. Isobel’s Fancy Fiancé is there and the “No Boyz Allowed” sign has been removed from the door. (In case anyone has forgotten, the Fancy Fiancé is the father of Larry the Drugger so let’s hope this impending feast involves at least a little criminal activity.) The Fancy Fiancé leaves and the ladies talk boyz boyz boyz like usual, and also issues of household staff. (I refuse to engage in Sprat’s troll-y storyline; he’s a caricature and we have enough actual characters and enough drama so no, I will not discuss his random quitting during tea.)

At the movies in London, Blake pulls Mary out so he can kiss her on the mouth just as Tony walks out of the theater with the Girl He Jilted on his arm. Apparently that’s all it took to get him to move on! Wow! Such fun cool mind games. Mary, of course, loves it and is now sad that Blake is headed off to Poland (which sounds ominous) for like a year/all eternity.

At Daisy’s Dead Husband’s Dad’s farm, the ruse to get Daisy back to studying is totally working! All she needs is a more independent older white man to tell her what to do! Where is the Downton Feminist Society on this issue? Petulant College Freshman Daisy is still sad about politics, but she decides to sign up for sophomore English. Outside, Baxter the Angel tells Molesley she can’t tell the Bateses why she spoke with the police (spoiler: it’s because she’s a goddamn angel).

In the library, Edith is giving her family the Marigold “adoption” pitch when Isis the Not-Alive-Dog is carried in. Apparently the dog isn’t actually dead yet but has cancer and Cruel Donk wouldn’t let them put her down, instead opting to watch his favorite dog die in agony. Classic Donk. Anyway, most of the family is totally against Edith’s adoption plan. Luckily, everyone is so distracted by the Isis Tragedy that no one notices that Cora has agreed to let Edith adopt Marigold.

Downstairs, Anna and Hughes talk about real estate (now a standard Downton greeting) and then Anna tells Hughes about what she witnessed at the train station, revealing that Anna and Hughes both know that Edith has a baby. Is this because of the picture they found? Why does everyone need to keep this secret if everyone already knows about it??

At dinner, The Fancy Fiancé’s sons are predictably awful. At first, it’s just Larry’s Little Brother but then Larry the Drugger starts piling on Isobel because she’s, gasp, middle class! The Fancy Fiancé is reasonably embarrassed that he has raised such a waste of human space and asks him to leave the table. In response, Larry the Drugger makes fun of chauffeurs and Jews. Oooh boy. The present chauffeur takes offense and rightly calls Larry the Drugger (who by the way, drugged him) a bastard. Larry leaves, but Larry’s Little Brother gets to stay and continue being a total jerk.

Downstairs, Molesley tells the tale of hero Branson calling Larry the Drugger a bastard.

In a hall, Atticus proposes to Rose and they kiss. Isobel is a little chilly to her Fancy Fiancé who hopefully is still her fiancé. Isobel, good people occasionally have awful children. Remember how Sybbie had like zero opinions on America earlier?

In Cora’s room, Cora and Donk put Isis in bed with them in some sort of metaphorical I don’t know what. Maybe Isis is their cancerous relationship and they’ve decided just to let it sleep with them for now?

And credits.

Character Ranking:

5. Cora: I hate that you brought Edith back, but I like that you are letting Marigold kind of live with you.

4. Marigold: I hope you’re remembering all this back and forth, girl. You know who your true mother is!

 3. Isis: Nooooooooooooooooooooo.

2. Violet: You admitted you had a soul. Congrats!

1. Branson: If Edith can’t get out, you can. Also, extra points for calling someone a bastard at dinner.

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 6 Recap: Runaway Train

We are here! The Penultimate Episode! Suddenly, I am feeling sad and pre-nostalgic for this season. Is this the end? Does all the talk of changing times and America and real estate mean we’re soon to part ways forever? Maybe after next season? Only time will tell. Until then, spoiler alert. Here we go!

In a hall, Thomas looks positively not-dying. Serious and in charge and not smoking in a corner. Is this a new Team-Player Thomas? He’s handing lists off to people in a non-sneaky way. I don’t know. I’ll believe it when he’s four years clean from being the Bad Guy.

In the kitchen, Patmore and Daisy are working on what appears to be a wedding cake! OMG. Either Rose is about to get hitched or Isobel is. Either way, tension and drama!

In a room somewhere, the future bride appears to be Rose, who is trying on outfits in front of the ladies. The whole team is there except for Edith obviously because she’s just no fun. The team does some exposition on such important topics as mixed-religion marriages and the status of Shrimpy and Shrimpy’s Mean Wife.

Downstairs, Hughes does a little exposition of her own, letting all those O’Brien fans out there know that we will not be seeing her at Rose’s nuptials (she left Cora for Shrimpy’s Mean Wife, you may remember). I guess they couldn’t pay her enough to get her back for one entertaining episode? It also seems that Rose’s parents are dead broke and that Atticus’ Rich Dad (trying to ignore the blatant stereotyping here of my people) is going to save the whole family.

In the library, Robert “Donk” Grantham is playing Chutes and Ladders with Baby Sybbie. Look, I know in Britain it’s called “Snakes and Ladders,” but this is America and I play by American rules here. In a surprise move, Mary calls her dad Donk too and she possibly earns herself a spot in tonight’s rankings. Edith plays with a very strangely vacant-looking Marigold and talks to Tom about the machine business in Massachusetts.

Downstairs, it appears that the Law & Order team is coming back to interrogate both Mr. and Mrs. Bates.

In the drawing room, Mary is pissed that Edith is 1000x better at being a mom than her.

Downstairs, Baxter continues to try to ingratiate herself to the Bateses, but those Mean Girls would rather die in prison than be nice to her for one single second.

At the downstairs table, Baxter puts the moves on Molesley (tells him she’ll go to a museum with him in London). The war memorial plot line pops up again because apparently it’s just like the most interesting thing ever and so they have to unveil it after the wedding. So the final episode is going to be about the war memorial? My pre-nostalgia is fading.

At the Dowager’s house, the Prince is waiting in the drawing room and Violet is going to put on her lavender day dress! Are they finally going to kiss?!

In the library, Carson and Donk discuss the war memorial and I take a nap.

In her drawing room, the Prince is propositioning Violet: “I wish to spend my final years with you…as a friend, as a lover.” OH MY GOD! Make. Out. Now.

Downstairs, the Law & Order team is trying to victim blame Anna and also murder-blame her. I mean, do we know she didn’t do it? I feel like she was convinced Bates One did it so it can’t be her. Or is that a trick?!

In the library, Donk is talking to a guy about making plans for a tombstone for Isis, the Dog Who Is Not Affiliated With Any Terrorist Organization.

At the Dowagers, nothing interesting happens with her help.

Downstairs, Anna considers telling the cops that the Rapist was also her rapist.

Everyone leaves for London except for the babies because this isn’t Fashion Week, am I right?? Donk is sort of suspicious about Marigold, but he’s not very smart so he’s not sure why he’s suspicious.

In London, enter a New Cast Member to help out the Downstairs Team at the wedding. He’s tall and handsome. Is Thomas going to finally have a real love interest as a prize for good behavior?

Shrimpy and Shrimpy’s Mean Wife also arrive in London with sour expressions and no personal attendants. Immediately, Shrimpy’s Mean Wife causes a scene by refusing to share a room with her husband. Ugh. So mean.

Upstairs, Rose tries to bond with Shrimpy’s Mean Wife a.k.a. her mom. It goes just okay.

Downstairs in London, Anna’s plot thickens as does the tension between Thomas and the New Cast Member as Thomas straightens the New Cast Member’s bow tie and the New Cast Member sort of grimaces.

In the drawing room in London, Shrimpy and Shrimpy’s Mean Wife sort of bicker, as the Crawley’s await the arrival of Atticus’ family. It seems like Shrimpy’s Mean Wife and Atticus’ Mean Dad are going to really try to sabotage this whole true love thing. Rose should have definitely tried to marry the Jazz Singer first or maybe a woman. Then this whole thing would have gone down so easily!

Downstairs in London, Hughes still doesn’t tell Carson what really happened to Anna, though she should because love’s all about honesty, girl.

At dinner, Shrimpy’s Mean Wife starts off by asking her future Jewish in laws/meal ticket racist questions. Atticus’ Mean Dad retorts by telling Rose she isn’t a Chosen Person. The talk then turns to Atticus’ Bachelor Party (see Snakes and Ladders; this is America and that’s not a Stag Party). I didn’t know they had Bachelor Parties in the 1920s, but apparently it’s “rooted in ancient history.” Then, a bit out of left field if you ask me, Atticus’ Mean Dad mentions how much he hates divorce and it’s like the worst thing he’s ever heard of. Shrimpy’s Mean Wife implies she’s about to get a divorce.

In a hall, Violet and Isobel talk about boyz as usual.

In a drawing room, Terrible Mom/Sister Mary gets in like 15 negs on Edith in the space of two minutes.

In a bedroom, Donk and Cora talk like a proper husband and wife who don’t hate each other’s guts. Yeah. Sure. Totally.

In the hall, Shrimpy’s Mean Wife gives Carson a letter. Obviously this means something.

Downstairs, Patmore lovingly yells at Daisy and then submits when Donk goads her into going to the war memorial unveiling. He must have something planned; my guess is a little stone memorial of her nephew.

At Scotland Yard, Anna is put in a lineup of what I hope are other victims of her Rapist. I am hoping for a scene in which they all, one by one, stand up and say “I did it” and then none of them go to jail.

Downstairs, it seems like Violet’s Lady’s Maid has designs on the New Cast Member who is Thomas’s! Step down, lady! Patmore and Daisy get into existentialism and then decide, like, never mind.

In a drawing room, the Crawley’s openly despise each other.

At The Hangover: Downton Abbey, Atticus is wasted and a lady is putting the moves on him in an elevator, but he very kindly puts her off. Until she shows up in his room and does some weird stuff with her outfit. Fact: I said “Ooooh” when this happened because I realized that this must be what Shrimpy’s Mean Wife’s letter was about.

Downstairs, the tension between Thomas and the New Cast Member continues to build. Hopefully.

At lunch in London, Troll Mary has picked the location of Edith and Michael’s first date for the sibling pre-marriage luncheon. That general sisterly unkindness is completely overshadowed by the motherly unkindness of pictures of Atticus with “a tart of some kind” sent by messenger. Rose breaks down at luncheon and then Tom, a genius of some kind, tells her to talk to Atticus about it! What?! Has he seen this show?? Never talk to your spouse or potential spouse about anything important ever! Tom then suggests Atticus’ Mean Dad is behind the dirty pics. Right track, Tom, wrong evil parent.

Downstairs, Hughes and Carson debate systematic racial injustice and personal intolerance. Then Violet’s Lady’s Maid continues her play for the New Cast Member.

Somewhere in a garden, Molesley walks with his harem and they discuss the transformative power of art. Daisy says, “I feel as if I’ve been down a coal hall and someone’s opened a lid and brought me into the sunlight.” I, unable to contain myself, said, “Oh, god.” So now Daisy’s an Art Major? The threesome see Rose and Atticus fighting in the park and Beyonce Baxter says: “You’re never safe ’til the ring’s on your finger.”

At Atticus’ house, Atticus confronts Atticus’ Mean Dad about the dirty pic scandal. The Mean Dad is like, if I’m going to be honest, I don’t think our legacy is worth throwing away for “this little shiksa.” Okay now, is it just me or does Atticus’ Mean Dad’s Yiddish sound really forced? This is the first time we’re hearing it and I’m not convinced at all. Atticus’ Mean Dad gives Atticus a lecture on Judaism right before Rose et al. arrive.

Before the dinner, everyone tries to act normal as true love sort of falls apart. Mary tries to hide how happy it makes her that true love is falling apart by talking about murdering Edith. Mary, you are a monster. Rose quickly forgives Atticus and they join together as an team of Encyclopedia Browns to find their saboteur. Shrimpy and the Olds get together to explain that the Empire is collapsing.

Downstairs, Thomas, the pot, calls Violet’s Lady’s Maid, the kettle, black by telling her to stop being a bully. Takes one to know one.

In the kitchen, Daisy complains about how art has changed her life so much she has to move to London now and experience the real world. Patmore almost starts crying because, even though Daisy’s become an obnoxious brat, she’s still her obnoxious brat.

Downstairs, the New Cast Member and Violet’s Lady’s Maid are missing. Where oh where have they gone and when oh when will Thomas rescue him?!

In Shrimpy’s Mean Wife’s room, Shrimpy is waiting for Shrimpy’s Mean Wife because he, like us, knows that she is the villain behind the Atticus dirty pic situation. Turns out he has proof in the form of a checkbook stub! Always pay in cash when you are trying to sabotage your daughter’s happiness!

In a drawing room, Donk announces that he’s selling the art that the Art Guy loved so much. Cora looks sad because that guy was honestly nice to her and a lot better of a human than Donk. Rose and the old ladies talk about happiness, love, boyz, etc. and then Carson comes in to tell Violet that her Lady’s Maid is “sick.” Mary and Branson talk about how Tom is leaving for America after Christmas.

Downstairs, Violet’s Lady’s Maid is waaaasted. Daisy goes to make her coffee and finds Patmore sobbing. Ugh, now I am almost crying. Patmore and Daisy are the truest love in the world!

In a hall, Thomas has clearly decided to use his Powers of Sneakiness for good, to rescue the poor New Cast Member from Violet’s Drunk and Gambling Lady’s Maid.

At a registry office, which is not a church, Mary is dressed up again like Alex from Clockwork Orange. Because her dirty pics thing didn’t ruin her daughter’s marriage, Shrimpy’s Mean Wife decides to announce that she and Shrimpy are getting divorced. The move backfires because true love cannot be stopped, even by the World’s Second Worst Mom (Mary is clearly the worst).

On the stairs up to the registry office, Shrimpy and Rose share a moment of happiness away from their tormentor.

Downstairs, Thomas sets a trap for Violet’s Lady’s Maid.

At the wedding party, Tony is holding hands with the Girl He Jilted. They come over to Mary and make her delightfully uncomfortable, enough so that she makes an awkward comment about going to their wedding. Edith and Donk have an almost meaningful conversation, until he sees Mary and remembers he doesn’t like Edith and walks off. Tony and Mary debrief about their sex vacation and Carson, who still likes Mary apparently for some unknowable reason, looks on. Rose confronts her mother and tells her she doesn’t know what love is and then moves on to the next guest. A racist gets shut down by Cora.

In a hall, Mary complains to Carson about how things change. Luckily, Carson also hates change.

In a basement, Thomas prepares to finally use his trickiness for good. Seriously, is this ever actually going to happen? There’s been a lot of build up on this one. Thomas, the New Cast Member and Violet’s Lady Maid go into a literally underground club called The Velvet Violin.

In her room, Anna sensually dresses Mary. Sadly, they are interrupted by Anna’s arrest.

At the Velvet Violin, Thomas wins a bunch of money to pay off the New Cast Member’s debt. Not exactly dramatic but nice, I guess. He then sells out the Lady’s Maid to a Sinister Boss with a Mustache. Thomas and the New Cast Member leave and, in the corridor heading out of the basement, Thomas refers to himself as “your uncle Thomas.” I can’t decide if that’s creepy or amazing.

Inside the Velvet Violin, the Lady’s Maid is forced to pay for her drinks. What a dramatic conclusion.

Back at the house, Anna is getting cuffed and Mary is pissed. Bates is really angry and so are the Crawleys because seriously, how many Bates are they going to have to get off of spurious murder charges??

In case you forgot, it’s time for the war memorial unveiling! The show must go one, apparently, even though Anna the Unblemished is in jail (question: is this God punishing her for aiding and abetting the sex vacation?). The memorial is unveiled and everyone is like war is bad but also good, kinda? As I predicted what seems like five hours ago, Donk has prepared a tiny little memorial for Patmore’s nephew so when the music swells, he can once again be a hero! Super dense Donk finally takes a long look at Edith and realizes that Marigold is her child.

On a path in the village, Daisy decides not to go to London after all. Bates implies to Mary that he’s going to take the fall or something for the Rapist’s murder, even though that’s not going to happen since the cops know it was a lady. Unless he’s implying that Mary killed him? She is stone cold so that’s totally possible. Isobel and Violet both seem to decide to fight for true love! Edith and Tom say nice things to each other and Carson and Hughes say nice things to each other. Donk admits that he doesn’t think he’ll hate Marigold now that he knows she’s his progeny. And credits.

Character Ranking:

5. Shrimpy: What a great dad who picked a truly awful wife. Also, he’s called Shrimpy.

4. Baxter:  Besides being an angel from Heaven, Baxter is a great Molesley-seductress.

3. Molesly: So into the arts now! Opening up worlds for people! Not being annoying about it! How wonderful.

2. Tom: Soon Tom will go to America and it will be a tragedy because he’s the only thing keeping Mary from literally murdering Edith.

1. Patmore: Patmore is the best character on this show and, this week, her cake was lovely, she got to cry for Daisy and her nephew got a memorial! What a mitzvah, right?

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 6 Recap: Runaway Train

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 7 Recap: Dog Days Are Over

Hark! What sound is that? It’s the sound of another legendary Downton Abbey Christmas Special! Do I really have to remind you of the always-in-effect spoiler alert? There, I did it! On to the Abbey!

A car pulls up in front of an official looking building and we see the magenta back of a stylish Mary, who I’ll wager is headed to prison to check on Anna in this season’s first Orange is the New Black crossover episode.

Back at the Abbey, Robert “Donk” Grantham pretends to care about Anna’s false (?) imprisonment to Bates, but then starts talking about a trip they are taking or something.

Downstairs, everyone is hurrying around, presumably related to this alleged trip (did I miss something last episode or is this just another symptom of my smart-phone-related dementia?). It appears that Baxter is now attending to both Cora and Mary. Oh man, this just now occurred to me: why does Mary have a lady’s maid and Edith doesn’t?! Is Mary physically incapable of buttoning her own buttons? I paused the show to type that and my question was answered immediately: Anna was supposedly also Edith’s lady’s maid?! Um, when did she ever, ever help Edith pick out a fancy dress? Or buy prophylactics for her? Suddenly, I’m beginning to think Anna is a dark-hearted bully who ignored Edith on purpose and may also be a murderer. Jury’s still out, people!

In jail, Mary of course looks stunning.

At a luncheon of some sort, the family sort of talks vaguely about this impending trip and then Violet reveals that the Princess, the wife of her true love, no big deal, is coming to England, like momentarily. Um, what the hell, Violet? I get trying to be cool for your new boyfriend, but you’ve got to think about number one and, in this case, number one is the magic blossoming between you and the Prince! Hong Kong is lovely! The Princess would have done great there!

In prison, it kind of seems like Mary dressed up to make Anna feel bad. What I’m saying is Anna doesn’t look great.

In a downstairs hall, Carson and Hughes debate the question of Mary’s prison visit. Carson, the perpetual Mary apologist, thinks it’s bad because people might think it’s somehow improper. Carson, how do you feel about sex vacations?

At the downstairs table, the help fight over guns.

In the special Hughes and Carson room, Ross/Carson and Rachel/Hughes drink wine and talk about real estate.

At the house, it is revealed that the destination of the family trip is Atticus’s family’s place that they did quickly discuss last episode. See? I remember! Anyway, everyone is going and the moms and dad have to say goodbye to their children, who they probably only see 20 minutes a day anyway. Edith is like the most terrible at pretending she isn’t Marigold’s mom. So terrible that even Donk can see it plainly now. How have Tom and Mary not noticed? Are they just drunk all the time?

Violet and Isobel bid the family adieu at the train station. I thought they were taking a ship somewhere. That would have been a bit more interesting. I guess they’re just going somewhere else English to shoot at things.

In the library, everyone is doing a deep cleaning, since the family is away, which gives a great bookish setting for Molesley to question Daisy about her studies and for Daisy to once again wiffle-waffle about her education. Patmore calls her out because Patmore is the one who tells it like it is on this show. We are all Patmore.

In the fanciest train, the Crawleys all sit in one room without murdering each other or even suggesting murder. Maybe because the train is moving they feel less anxious in each other’s company? Like they could jump out at any time? Oh, wait! Spoke too soon! Miserable Mary suggests locking all the children up in a box in the attic and not letting them out until they are 21. Also: she doesn’t appear to be joking. She refers to herself as “the mother around here” and Donk gives a deep side-eye scowl to Cora. Edith, your secret ain’t safe for long!

Atticus’ family’s “place” turns out to be a huge and magnificent castle! Downton now seems stupid. Remake the show please and, this time, set it at this fancy castle! Atticus’ parents speak with yet another New Butler. The problem with character proliferation on Downton is thus: every time a new upper class person shows up, you know somewhere there’s going to be a servant-y type too. Basically the cast is increasing exponentially.

Cars pull up to the castle, giving us another glimpse at this magnificent place. My main question, obviously, is how do they heat it?

Rose and Atticus, now married (if you know what I mean), greet the family at one of the doors. I imagine this place is just rife with doors. Atticus’ Mean Dad and Atticus’ Sweet Mom show up and the two families who just love each other to bits are in the same room once again. Soon, they will be shooting guns together!

Downstairs at the castle, Thomas introduces himself to the New Butler, who is extra mean which seems reasonable since a) his boss, Atticus’ Mean Dad, is also mean and b) no one in their right mind should ever be nice to Thomas. He smells weakness like sharks smell blood.

Back home, the Old Ladies Club meets in a garden to discuss the upcoming arrival of the Princess. Look, I thought this was the Christmas Special. It seems really warm for Christmas, if these ladies can have tea in a garden…

At the castle, there is a gauche tea in the library. Ugh, so not the place for tea. The New Butler is openly rude to Tom. I am sorry, but that is just not done, okay? He is a monument to the perfect and wonderful Sybbie and is the only one I trust with a car.

At Violet’s, Violet sets her two servants up to fight each other. Oh my god. Why am I even acknowledging this is happening?

In the hall downstairs at the Abbey, Ross and Rachel talk about real estate. Bates goes to visit Anna in prison to, I’m assuming, talk more about real estate?

At the castle, everyone and some dogs get into horse-drawn carriages, which take them out to an open field. I can’t think of what is better than carts full of armed people who hate each other!

In the killing field, Mary gives Atticus’ Mean Dad a lecture on family unity, while using some sort of special walking stick designed for weak females out in the field.

Behind a bush, Atticus’ Sweet Mom and Tom talk about not being accepted. I think it would be a bit more heartwarming without the loaded weapon in Tom’s hands, but that’s just me.

Behind a wall of some kind, Robert continues to evade Cora’s questions about his beginning-of-the-episode trip to York. Yeah, I should have mentioned this before, but I didn’t and now it’s come up three times so it’s obviously a thing. So sorry. Sue me.

Everyone keeps shooting and the shots ring out dramatically as the scene cuts to the Bateses in prison. Drab Anna-In-Prison reveals to Bates that her stepfather abused her when she was a kid and she cut him with a knife. That doesn’t seem like permissible evidence in this case. Does she have a lawyer?

Back at the castle, Non-Sneaky-Edith cannot stop talking about the children. The New Butler continues to be a total jerk to Tom.

On a real estate field trip, Ross and Rachel have some delightful patter.

At Violet’s, some crazy wife-swapping is about to happen. The Prince is there, as well as Isobel and her man. Upstairs, the Princess readies herself for battle.

At the castle, Baxter dresses Mary (who is dressing Edith? WHO?!) and Mary tries to get Baxter to get Thomas to do something to make the New Butler look bad.

Downstairs, Baxter relays Malevolent Mary’s message to Thomas, who isn’t that reformed after all and can’t wait to destroy the New Butler.

At Violet’s, the Princess enters the room. She is clearly a horrible woman who kind of rightfully hates Violet because, you know, her husband is in love with her.

Back the castle, Thomas sets his trap for the New Butler.

At dinner, a harpist plays and Atticus is such a sweetheart as usual.

Back at Downton, Patmore has set a romantic dinner for her favorites. It seems a lot nicer than the dinner in the castle.

Speaking of which, the New Butler is still being overtly un-nice to Branson. Too bad for him because Thomas’ plan is working! His plan? Get the New Butler to serve a boring dinner! Atticus’ Mean Dad blows up at the New Butler and the Crawleys feel right at home (because every one of their meals involves yelling).

At Violet’s, the wife swap is in full swing. The Princess is basically Debbie Downer, serving sad, deadpan one-liners to anyone who will listen. Even Sprat thinks she’s rude. Violet seems to have decided her love with the Prince shall never be. Why, Violet? You could have had it all! Isobel’s Fancy Fiancé leaves with the Prince and the whole wife swap is abruptly turned into the usual: a meeting of the Old Ladies Society to talk about boyz.

At the castle, Cora finally gets Donk to tell her what’s wrong, which turns out to be “pains in…[his] tummy.” (Yes, that was unfair quoting, but did you not giggle slightly?) Donk apparently has angina maybe, but don’t worry: he can still hunt! Since he’s on the verge of death, he decides to tell Edith that he knows her deep, dark, poorly kept secret.

At Violet’s, the whole deal between Sprat and Violet’s Lady’s Maid is still, sadly, part of the plot. Can Violet’s Lady’s Maid make soup? Will we ever know?!

At the castle, Donk knocks on Edith’s door and Edith has her hair down and looks amazzzing. Edith for Cinderella!! Anyway, he’s there to tell Edith that he’s totes down and cool with Marigold being his granddaughter. They have a real nice father-daughter forgiveness moment. I feel so bad for Edith because tomorrow Donk will most likely come up to her and be like: “You know that whole thing last night? So sorry! I thought you were Mary because I was kinda sleepy and ate a big dinner and was maybe drunk…”

Downstairs at the castle, Thomas is now pissed because yes, his light prank worked, but he was insulted by Atticus’ Mean Dad in the crossfire. Heads will roll!! Never cross Thomas. Now he’s going rogue. This is about to be a bender on evil. Just remember: relapse is part of recovery.

In the New Butler’s office, Thomas tries to ingratiate himself with the New Butler, who is now doing a handwriting comparison with all the staff to find out who wronged him. Oh, dang. Did Baxter write the offending note? Will Angel Baxter fall once more? Thomas gets the New Butler to sell out Atticus’ Mean Dad. Never be mean to Thomas, but, more importantly, never be nice to Thomas.

On a walk out on the grounds, the youngs discuss plans to move to America.

Back at Downton, Violet’s Lady’s Maid engages Patmore and Daisy to make her soup for Violet. Snooze.

Just when you thought you couldn’t get any sleepier…the Bateses are in jail, talking about things again. Seriously, did the writing staff just decide they wanted to go on a little vaycay and could completely recycle this entire plot line and just switch which Bates is in jail and no one would even notice? I’m a little offended, writers! Do you know how closely I watch this show?

In Isobel’s sitting room, she and her Fancy Fiancé (I hope!) are in the midst of real serious relationship talk. Isobel is like, I will not be an evil stepmother! So the Fancy Fiancé decides to put a hit out on his children.

In the Downton kitchen, the Lady’s Maid has ruined her soup. Seriously, how hard is it to make soup? That is like one thing I am totally capable of making and I can barely cook toast.

Back at the Orange is the New Black crossover, the prison is boring as heck. Where is Red? Where is Crazy Eyes? I was led to believe a women’s prison would be a fun good time!

At the castle, the New Butler is regretting his drunk over-sharing with Thomas. Too bad, dude. Your fate is sealed. Try again next time! Morally Bankrupt Mary is pre-angry at an uninvited guest, who is taking Atticus’s spot hunting tomorrow. I bet he’s her true love. She’s also present-moment angry at Donk and Edith, who are BFFs now that Donk is dying and Edith is out to him as a mom.

In the special Ross and Rachel side room at Downton, Ross is ready to toast their new future as bed and breakfast owners, but Rachel has to let Ross down because—plot twist!—Rachel has no money because she’s been sending all her money to the caretaker of her “not quite right in the head” sister. Oh, Rachel! You are an even bigger angel than Baxter. Their intimate discussion about siblings, investments and real estate is interrupted by a very worried Bates, who has received a telegram from the lawyer that apparently said: “Bad news! Call me.” That seems like a rude telegram to send! Just say: “Call me.” You’re the lawyer. He’s going to call you stat.

Back at the castle’s shooting grounds, love is in the air. Edith is paired up with the Agent who, if you’ll remember, “everyone feels a bit sorry for.” Classic Edith. Mary is somehow paired up with the Hanger On she’s been dogging the whole episode. The Hanger On is a Benedict Cumberbatch look-alike who is terrible at shooting and who Mary has decided to torture, her favorite form of flirting, over guns.

In another corner of the field, Edith follows her sister’s lead and does some of her own flirting over guns.

At Violet’s, Daisy is terrible at subterfuge.

In Violet’s garden, Isobel has a letter from Larry the Petulant Drugger who really, really doesn’t want a new mommy. This is always what happens when you don’t teach children boundaries!

At the castle, it’s raining and the Lawyer is apparently telephoning Donk about Criminal Anna things (they’ve set a date for her trial), even though he can only telegram Bates. Donk’s tummy problem is acting up so tragically Cora won’t allow him to play with guns anymore this afternoon, which solves everyone’s problems since now Atticus can shoot. Really, these guys are just terrible at taking turns.

At a lunch outside at the castle, Mary is in full-swing in her torture-flirting and Benedict Cumberbatch is eating it up.

In the kitchen at Violet’s, Sprat calls Violet’s Lady’s Maid out on the fact that Daisy actually made the soup in this terrible subplot. Problem: Violet’s Lady’s Maid is using a very large knife. Sadly, she does not turn the knife on Sprat and instead watches him pour the soup down the drain. Open a can, dude! It’s not that hard!

Somewhere, a child steps out of a car.

Back at the castle, it turns out that’s where the kid was getting out of the car! And who is this kid? Well, it seems like it might be the illegitimate child of Atticus’ Mean Dad. Rose thinks on her feet to save her new father-in-law and pretends the mom of the kid who got out of the car is her BFF. Somehow, this works. Turns out Thomas decided to go nuclear on everyone and telegrammed Atticus’ Mean Dad’s Mistress and told her to bring his other son. Classic Thomas. Luckily, Mary loves subterfuge and also improv so she gets in on the game of pretending to know Atticus’ Mean Dad’s Mistress.

Back at Downton, Bates is all dressed in black and seems to be giving his notice in letter form to Molesley to give to Carson. We all know what a goof Molesley is! Hilarity will ensue!

At the castle, Rose bids goodbye to the Mistress and Edith chats up her new love interest, the Agent. Rose blackmails Atticus’ Mean Dad’s Butler, while Mary looks on proudly.

In the hall before dinner, Atticus’ Mean Dad stops Mary, Rose and Donk to thank them for not selling him out to his family and then totally changes his position on Rose being his daughter-in-law. Take note, ladies: If your father-in-law hates you, help him avoid an embarrassing situation with his mistress! #WifeTips

Downstairs at Downton, Carson has opened the letter from Bates and apparently it isn’t a notice but a confession to the murder of the Rapist. But, duh, they know it was a girl, Bates! Anyway, Sherlock Molesley is on the case! Find Bates and prove his innocence!

Back at the castle, there’s a gramophone in the library and everyone is dancing. Mary is, of course, dancing with Benedict Cumberbatch and trying to remain as uninterested as a person can while dancing with another person. He quizzes her about the earlier appearance of the Mistress and she’s impressed that he noticed what was going on, even though you would have to be deaf and blind not to see what was happening. Speaking of obvious situations everyone is trying to pretend away, Tom finally tells Edith he also knows Marigold isn’t some random foundling. Now it’s just Mary who doesn’t know and mainly she just doesn’t care. Edith dances off with the Agent.

At the Bateses cottage, Molesley is on the hunt for exculpatory evidence.

At the castle, Benedict Cumberbatch and Mary share some last-minute flirting until he tells her his real passion is for cars. Oh my god! Stay away from sun-dappled lanes!! Mary, however, seems to have forgotten her long, dark history with automotives and is left weak in the knees as her new love interest speeds off. “Matthew who?” you can almost hear the wind whisper.

The cars pull up to Downton and the children come out for their customary parade and Carson tells Donk that Bates is gone.

Downstairs, no one knows what to do now that two main employees are gone.

In the library, no one knows what to do now that two main employees are gone.

Downstairs, it turns out that Sherlock Molesley has a Watson of his very own; Baxter offers to help him vindicate Bates.

In Donk and Cora’s bedroom, the Lord and Lady conspire to keep Bates-related evidence out of the hands of the authorities.

The lawyer and Anna arrive at Downton, but, while free, she is sad because Bates One is on the run in Ireland and all freedom really is for her is dressing bratty adult women, constant anxiety that Bates will get caught and probably a sprinkling of PTSD to round it out. Prison was probably better, is what she’s thinking now. Crazy Eyes was so fun at that Christmas Pageant! She could have gotten really serious about her yoga practice!

At Violet’s, the moment we’ve all been waiting on the edge of our seats for has arrived! Violet must taste the soup made for her by her Lady’s Maid, while Sprat looks on gleefully. What will she do? How bad is it?? But Violet is nothing but classy and spiteful towards Sprat so she pronounces the broth “delicious” and goes to bed, where we all hope this story line is finally going too.

In a drawing room, Donk announces that he isn’t about to go meet Isis in Heaven but instead has an ulcer. Womp. Good news though: the Art Guy’s favorite painting sold for like a lot of money.

Downstairs, the windfall means that Carson is hiring a new footman. Oh, just what we need, a new cast member to remember. Thomas and Daisy who have similar taste in men make a bid for the New Cast Member from Rose’s Wedding. He’s pretty cute so I say, yes, go with him!

Suddenly, it is Christmas 1924 and I feel a Tom and Baby Sybbie sized lump in my throat. Never leave us, you two! The New Cast Member has been hired and his name is Andy, which I think I can handle. The babies and their parents trim a massive tree and Baby Sybbie has the presence of mind to use her adorable British accent to say words.

In a snowy town, Sherlock and Watson look for someone who remembers seeing Bates.

In their special room, Hughes wraps a gift for Carson. Carson tells Hughes that he bought their dream house himself. When is he going to invite Hughes to live with him there, happily ever after?

In the library, Sherlock and Watson present their new Bates-saving evidence to the Crawleys.

In their bedroom, Cora and Donk discuss the particulars of contacting the soon-to-be-cleared (again) Bates. Also: ulcers. Such pillow talk between these two!

In the kitchen, Christmas is looking fancy. I can’t be sure, but I think they may be having a bacon wrapped goose? Okay, I will eat that. Everyone encourages Daisy to study because no one knows what they want around here!

At Isobel’s, she’s finally showing the nasty letter from Larry the Drugger to his dad, her Fancy Fiancé. She breaks up with him because he’s got a stupid son, even though the Fancy Fiancé is the best and so nice and so rich. Violet comes in on them during the breakup and the ladies both mention, almost as an afterthought, how “sad” the whole thing is. Sad?! Heart breaking! You should be crying, Isobel! You just let the terrorists win!

Lonely Anna sits alone in her cottage.

Upstairs, Edith and Tom talk over the children’s stockings. Mary comes in so Tom decides they should have a Christmas séance for Sybil. Donk walks by and makes a play to keep Baby Sybbie for himself. Oh, Donk. Not happening.

Downstairs, the whole village sings Christmas carols around the tree. Rose teaches Atticus the words because he’s a Jew so he’s never heard a Christmas carol before. Donk, it appears, is drunk, since he’s been abstaining from alcohol for awhile due to his non-lethal ulcer. Violet’s Lady’s Maid also drinks liberally from the punch bowl. Rose and Atticus talk about how awesome and exciting it is to be married. Next thing you know, Rose is going to be starting a blog about her super cool life as a wife, which will turn into a fashion blog and then a mommy blog. Watch out, world! As usual, Thomas and Daisy both flirt with the same guy.

In the drawing room, the Old Ladies Society have a special Christmas meeting to tell the best boyz story of all, the love story of Violet and her Prince. Drunk Donk breaks up the meeting though, as jovially as possible.

Back at the party, Drunk Donk is about to give a speech! Scandal! Fortunately, as his final good act in Britain, Tom saves him by starting a round of “He’s a Jolly Good Fellow.” Then Mary sings “Silent Night” while Edith plays. When did they ever spend enough time in the same room to practice? Also, why do none of these versions of these songs rhyme? Is that a British thing, to not rhyme your song lyrics?

Carson brings Hughes down to their special room and tells her he put their dream house in both of their names. She’s like, “Look, I can’t let you do this amazing thing for me! I don’t want to tie you down!” And he’s like, “Oh, Hughes! I want to be, metaphorically and maybe literally, I don’t know, tied down by you! Will you marry me??” Finally! I don’t know what comes next, but that was the best moment of the season and this slow-burn romance better get a spinoff where they own a bed and breakfast together! With Patmore as the cook! Can you even imagine?!

At the party, Drunk Donk tells Tom that he actually likes him now and then proceeds to give a speech to the entire village about how great Tom is. As the whole town joins together to sing “O Come All Ye Faithful,” Bates appears at a door and then sneaks up behind Anna and whispers into her ear. While a normal person would probably scream at that, Anna seems pretty stoked and Bates forgets he’s lame, literally, for a minute and picks Anna up into the air.

And credits.

 Episode Character Ranking:

5. Violet: She gets ranked this week for her great love story and the sly bit about how she totally continued to cheat on her husband.

4. Baby Sybbie: She coined the terms “Donk” and now she’s passing it on to her cousin Marigold. Kudos, girlfriend! You’re a pretty cool baby.

3. Tom: Without Tom, Edith and Mary will murder each other. It’s going to make for a bloody but interesting season. Still, I will miss Tom and his cute face.

2. Carson: Finally, he got the guts to propose to his Rachel and it was magnificent. I love you, old guy!

 1. Hughes: When Carson asks her to marry him, she doesn’t mess around. She says: “I thought you’d never ask.” That is how a proposal should go. That is how a season should end.

Season Character Ranking (Scientifically-ish based on total season scores!)

5. Patmore: While this season wasn’t especially meaty (get it? she’s a cook!) for Patmore, she’s always a solid character and one of my favorites. Glad to see she made it in.

Tied for 4: Mary and Hughes: I’m offended at myself for allowing the worst and the best elements of Downton to tie for such a paltry spot. Mary started strong but became unbearable, whereas Hughes was, as usual, the backbone of the whole gosh darn house!

3: Violet: Violet came through this season by having an affair with a prince. We have to respect that, whether or not we agree with her decision to not move to Paris with him and live out the rest of their days in bliss.

2. Edith: Edith deserves every happiness she has by the end of this season, especially now that we know that Mary is probably going to murder her at the end of next season.

1. Tom Branson: Oh, Tom! I can’t stand to see you and Baby Sybbie leave, but thank god they didn’t drive you down a sun-dappled lane. Maybe you guys can come back for a guest spot in next year’s Christmas Special?? If you promise to come, I promise to recap again. One more time for old time’s sake. I love you, Tom! RIP Sybil!

Thank you guys for following along with me this season! It’s been fun and sad and hard. We lost dogs to cancer and potential husbands to Hitler. But we’re still here! Next year, I predict Edith will marry the Agent, Mary will marry Benedict Cumberbatch, Donk will get another tummy ache, and Hughes and Carson will finally kiss! See you then!

Previous Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 6 Recap: Runaway Train

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 7 Recap: Dog Days Are Over

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 8 Recap: London Calling

The grandeur, the nuance, the amazing way nothing happens until the final scenes of an episode… In its glory days, I could spend hours describing the delight that is Downton Abbey. Yet anyone who’s watched the show since the beginning can see that it’s a shadow of what it once was. If it wasn’t for the pragmatic wit of the Dowager Countess, the intermittent brashness of Tom and the simmering affection between Carson and Mrs. Hughes, I don’t know if I could have made until the end.

So I’ve been contemplating the big question that plagues many great shows that receive high praise at its onset: what went wrong? Was it the death of beloved characters like Sybil and Matthew? A tone shift as the characters clumsily dealt with the drastic differences between pre-war frivolity and post-war austerity? Or had it reached its peak in the third season and we’re watching its slow decline into mediocrity?

Or perhaps it’s the problem Downton has been grappling with since the start: over-privileged men, specifically Lord Grantham (a.k.a. Robert Crawley a.k.a. the blustering, bumbling head of the family). At the start, his oblivious follies created dramatic plot points and added tension to the show. Now, despite (and sometimes because of) his intentions to protect the family name, Lord Grantham seems to cause and/or aggravate many of the Abbey’s catastrophes during these, as Lady Mary likes to point out, “changing times.” He epitomizes the dangers of unchecked male privilege.

Let’s take a quick look at Lord Grantham’s low points from the past five seasons:

– With his terrible money management and lack of good decision-making skills, Lord Grantham basically ran Downton into the ground. He lost his and Cora’s money based on a bad investment decision he made without consulting her.

– Feeling ignored by Cora (who was busy running their house-turned-makeshift hospital) and useless during the war, Lord Grantham almost starts an affair with a maid.

– He tries to pay off his son-in-law, Tom Branson, because he is of a lower class. He later owes much of his renewed success to said son-in-law.

– When his youngest daughter Sybil was in labor, Robert ignores the doctor’s warning that she was showing signs of preeclampsia and needs to give birth in a hospital. In spite of everyone else’s concern, Robert insists that she remain at home, where she later dies after giving birth.

– Out of some combo of paternalism and jealousy, he attempts to prolong Mary’s mourning to keep her from playing a role in running the estate via her husband’s will.

In all of these scenarios, Lord Grantham unwittingly finds himself at the center of some disaster. Instead of taking responsibility for his actions, the mess is promptly cleaned up by the women in his life (chiefly his put-upon wife and nonplussed mother) and servants. What’s worse, he not only is blind to his part in the problem, he tends to see himself as the victim.

Of course, the above only scratches the surface of much deeper and complicated issues. Whether he’s bemoaning the fate of the estate he couldn’t properly manage or fuming over a lack of respect when someone dares to express an opinion contrary to his conservative views, Grantham makes sure his wounds are visible.

This isn’t just some deep character flaw, it’s indicative of a larger theme within the series. When the men, particularly Lord Grantham, go unchecked, bad stuff happens.

Born into wealth, Lord Grantham benefits from the dual privilege of manhood and money. Spending most of his life in a world that bends to his will, he has no need to care about how his actions can negatively affect those around him.

One can blame the era of Downton, a time when men talked, women listened and servants tried to stay out of the way, for Grantham’s behavior. Although the world of Downton is quite insular, show creator Julian Fellowes ensures that hot-button issues from outside of the Abbey’s walls seep in. Women were seizing opportunities for independence, proving their capabilities extended beyond polite conversation. Simultaneously, the working class that made estates like Downton possible realized they could have careers outside of the kitchen and began organizing to have their voices heard in the upper echelons of government. We see these glimmers of progressive thinking in the likes of Edith, who now owns a publishing company, Dr. Richard Clarkson, who learns to value the input of feisty Isobel when treating wounded soldiers, and former chauffeur Tom with his socialist leanings.

They stand as needed contrasts to Lord Grantham’s antiquated ways, yet Donk’s actions aren’t that different from how many men act today. Just think of manspreading on public transit, insistent and unnecessary mansplaining, and the mere fact that male is the default for human. These are only a few of the subtle reminders that the privilege of being a man is not having to make an effort to see the world from someone else’s perspective. The job titles may be different, the dress less formal, but men in power acting a fool remains the same.

There’s no denying that Lord Grantham is a fundamentally decent man who wants what he thinks is best for family and vast estate. But in these changing times, what he thinks isn’t the only thing that matters. Lord Grantham is learning that the hard way.

The rumors were true. Today, PBS announced that the next season of Downton Abbey will be its last. We’re accustomed to freaking out every time a show we loved at some point is cancelled, but ending Downton is the right thing to do.

This past season had its moments — Edith’s accidental act of arson, Mary’s sex positive ways, everything Maggie Smith did or said — but, as a whole, it felt like a trudge and the show’s quality was nowhere near what it once was when Sybil was alive and well, showing off her harem pants.. With nothing to lose, Season 6 is a chance to return the show to its former glory. Here are some humble suggestions on what should happen to the characters we have grown to love (and the ones we just put up with):

You might think this show is all about Mary, but you’re wrong. The true star is Edith, patron saint of all misunderstood middle children. I see Edith moving to Germany during the lead up to World War II and infiltrating the Nazi party so that she may exact revenge on whoever killed Michael a.k.a. that dude who knocked her up, didn’t marry her, and promptly vanished. Edith decides to prove everyone wrong and change the course of history by assassinating Hitler. She inevitably screws it up because she’s Edith and is put into a witness protection program under the pseudonym Jan Brady.

Speaking of tragic figures, poor Thomas has been pigeon-holed as the evil, miserable gay trope for the past five seasons. I see Thomas taking his spoon and drugs and moving to the big city, where he meets Virginia Woolf, while walking around Bloomsbury. She helps him get clean and begs to set him up on a blind date! “It’s not just because you’re both gay!” she promises. He relents and his blind date is no other than E.M. Forster, famed writer and fellow wistful closet case. Thomas’ emo-ness cancels out Forster’s emo-ness and they live happily ever after.

For once in her life, Mary doesn’t get what she wants. She dies from shock.

The Dowager Countess gets a very late acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She is outraged by the faux pas, but eventually enrolls. She is sorted into all the houses ’cause she’s got it like that. While studying for her Transfiguration exam, she accidentally ends up Benjamin Button-ing herself. She begins to age backwards and, decades later, goes by her nickname Hermione so that no one asks questions about why she knows how to correctly pronounce Wingardium Leviosa. She doesn’t end up with Ron.

Cora Crawley realizes her marriage sucks and has a meltdown on her bathroom floor before getting a divorce. She rebounds with that art dealer who likes her opinions. That doesn’t end well, inspiring her to move to Italy to eat pasta and not have sex, then over to India for a yoga teacher training, and finally ending up in Bali where she gets her groove back. She writes all about the experience, but is too humble to show it to anyone. Her great granddaughter, Elizabeth Gilbert, inherits the manuscript and puts her name on it.

Branson moves to America and starts a labor union and a soup kitchen and other neat stuff. He gives a really awesome speech at the DNC and becomes a frontrunner for the presidency. Opponents demand to see his birth certificate. He’s like, you know what, this isn’t worth it. His hair never turns grey.

Daisy inherits her dead husband’s farm and fills it with all kinds of math books. She studies her ass off and ends up helping Alan Turing crack Nazi codes, which is later documented in a film called The Imitation Game. Her scenes are unfortunately left on the cutting room floor because patriarchy.

Patmore and Hughes experience a challenging second Saturn return and take to the road. They kill a rapist in a parking lot and rob some stores and put a cop in his own trunk. With the law hot on their trail, they drive their convertible off a cliff and parachute into a hidden valley where they start a super cool women’s collective.

Anna realizes Bates is kind of creepy and dumps him. She parlays her changing-other-people’s-clothes-for-them skills into a career as the person who helps pop stars get into their next costume between songs. She eventually inspires Madonna’s fake British accent.

After he squanders his fortune because he’s terrible at everything, Lord Grantham finds himself alone. Years of ignoring/being rude to the women in his life apparently wasn’t a great life strategy. The only one who stands by his side is Isis, the dog (I refuse to believe that Isis is actually dead). Grantham runs out of dog treats one day and Isis eats him.

The End!

How do you hope things end at Downton? Leave it in the comments! 

[Editor’s Note: A version of this piece was posted on January 29, 2015, when rumors first started that the next season might be the show’s last.]

The tween punk friendly clothing brand Hot Topic recently made a brilliant decision launching an Orphan Black inspired clothing line. Now you can rock Cosmina’s bohemian style or something more hardcore like Helena’s. Orphan Black is not the first television show to get in the clothing game and it won’t be the last; there’s the Mad Men collection with Banana Republic and, thanks to The Limited, we can all feel like Olivia Pope.

And why not? For many shows, clothing plays a critical role in setting mood and tone, bringing the creator’s vision to life. You could almost argue that, for a series like Mad Men in particular, the wardrobe is a character unto itself. So let’s take a moment to see which other beloved shows deserve their own fashion line!

Walking Dead

When the world is dealing with a zombie apocalypse, functionality matters, which is something designer Maharishi understands very well, as evidenced by its Spring/Summer 2015 line.

Empire

Although the men have very distinct styles of their own (those scarves), Cookie always steals the show with her fierce looks. Now you can get a taste of her chic animal print with these looks from Giorgio Armani‘s Spring/Summer 2015 collection.

Orange is the New Black

While the prisoners of Litchfield Penitentiary are limited in their clothing options, you have to admit they do make orange look good. Agatha Kowalewski and Sarah Schofield, the creators of the Australian clothing line ASSK, see the potential of the new neon black.

Fresh Off the Boat

Fresh Off The Boat has been making waves for its portrayal of an Asian American family in very suburban Florida. While the comic chops of the cast are worth a watch, so are the super fly fashions of the ’90s. Little Eddie Huang swaggers with the best of them with his Notorious B.I.G. tees and track suits, and you can see those influences in Astrid Anderson‘s men’s Spring/Summer line.

Gotham

Let’s face it, Gotham is as much a city of heroes as it is of villains, but  it seems like the people living in the shadows have the better outfits. If you’ve been dying to dress like the formidable Fish Mooney, you can check out steampunk inspired looks that make up the Mathieu Mirano spring 2014 collection.

Downton Abbey

Downton Abbey is known for its grandeur and sheer luxury, so it makes sense that the king of romance and opulence, Valentino, came out with a line that reflected the best that Downton’s era had to offer.

Game of Thrones

There’s a lot to love about Game of Thrones. Aside form the drama and conniving characters, the inventive looks of key players like Daenerys is another great reason to tune in. Although characters wear everything including fur from head to toe to scraps of cloth, Helmut Lang was able to create some outfits that even we regular people can get a way with.

What other shows do you think deserve their own fashion line? Leave your ideas in the comments!

In case you were in deep denial about Downton Abbey coming to an end after its upcoming sixth and final season, the press photo above should bring it home for you. The sun is literally setting on Downton! And this isn’t the only sneak peek into what’s in store. Carnival Film & Television Ltd also released a handful of other new photos. Let’s overanalyze them!

But before we move on from the cast photo, can we pour one out for the people not pictured? Branson and baby Sybbie are in America. So is Rose and her new Jewish husband, presumably. And, as always, R.I.P. Sybil and Isis, the dog (*cue Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind”*).

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the greatest of them all? You, duh, the mirror likely replies. The Dowager is this show. Everyone else is just decoration. She’s obviously practicing her angles here or thinking about that flirty Russian or maybe this is the Mirror of Erised from Harry Potter (you know, the one that shows one’s truest desires). She sees herself because what more could she want than to continue being her bad ass self?

Edith smiles through the pain for another year, while secretly plotting to torch the Abbey with everyone in it. Mary also is secretly plotting to do the same thing. Meanwhile, Cora smiles, thinking about getting a divorce and going to find that artsy London dude.

Ladies Night 1927! This friendship is a precursor to Lil Kim’s opus “Ladies Night.” Women supporting each other and talking about their dreams instead of men.

Lord Grantham’s storyline this year will be what it always is: Waaaahhh, having a trust fund is hard, I feel oppressed and grumpy! Next!

Look at this I-don’t-need-a-man-or-his-bratty-sons-to-be-happy empowerment! Every time Beyonce sings “All the women who independent, throw your hands up at me,” she’s thinking of Isobel.

Lock this saccharine duo up please. Or have them move away to a cute cottage. I don’t care, just get them away from me. Sorry, Anna, you are who you hang out with.

Now here’s a couple I can get behind! They’re finally dating! What can we expect? Cute scented love notes, excessive hand holding and long ambles through the countryside, to be sure. But maybe also a hot tub scene? Just putting it out into the universe. I have a dream.

Maybe they are using their experience at Downton to play footmen in a Hollywood movie. They’re famous and rich and live in LA now! No more toiling! Thomas can find other gays to hang out with! And Molesley can find non-shoe-polish hair dye! Everyone wins. The end.

The trailer for the very last season of Downton Abbey has landed! This is an historic moment and the end of an era so what better way to experience it than with a live blog of this single minute preview?

0:01: Only took one second to get to the mournful piano keys. Gird yourselves!

0:03: Carson is packing a suitcase! Where will he go? Probably Hollywood, where he will pitch the idea for a sitcom about the travails of an out-of-place British butler who must change with the times. The show will be titled Mr. Belvedere and run for six seasons.

0:07: Lord Grantham condescendingly lectures Carson about how you can’t resist time or progress, despite the fact that he tried to do just that every moment of the previous five seasons.

0:10: The producers obviously told this musician to get as close to that sad, one-eyed dog Sarah McLachlan song as possible. We want all the feels! they probably yelled.  They could have saved time and just used this Green Day song:

0:14: Thomas walks through an empty room. If the Crawleys aren’t already bankrupt, they will be after what’s sure to be a massive U-Haul bill. All those famous paintings and their gilded frames, the ornate rugs, the canopy beds! Not to mention that huge gramophone that really pissed off the Dowager that one time!

0:15: Lady Mary and Daisy turn and are really surprised…like Beyonce-just-dropped-a-whole-album-with-music-videos-on-a-quiet-Friday-night surprised. Maybe Sybil walked in wearing whatever 1927’s version of harem pants is and everything that “happened” after her “death” was a preeclampsia fever dream? Make it right, Julian Fellowes, make it right!

0:17: Thomas opens a door and seems really over it all. All that meddling and scheming and lurking and he’s still stuck in a job he hates without a make out buddy.

0:19: The father of Daisy’s late sort-of husband hugs her while looking at the stone house that will now be hers. Dear kids, stay in school…and be too polite to say “yeah, no” when a dying guy who’ve gone on zero dates with asks you to marry him. You’ll get a cute rent-controlled place out of it!

0:20: Lady Edith is wearing gems on her forehead! I also spy a lemon twist in an half-empty cocktail glass. So I’m going to assume the writers have had their fill of making her utterly miserable and are going to let her drink gin and flirt and stop sobbing in corners. Yeah, probably not.

0:22: Anna smiles because her Debbie Downer husband isn’t around. We smile too.

0:23: Mrs. Patmore dances in the kitchen with a cop because she deserves a break.

0:24: Mrs. Hughes smiles because Anna’s Debbie Downer husband isn’t around. We smile again.

0:25: Carson weirdly pets a bedspread.

0:29: Anna attempts to have a heart-to-heart with Mary. Mary cannot oblige because she is a sociopath.

0:32: There’s a net connected to Mary’s bowler hat. It’s raining. Mary gets wet, while walking with a purpose. She knows what she must do: she must kill her annoying sister.

0:33: Why did it take 33 seconds to get a shot of Maggie Smith? If they want us to watch, the first 33 seconds should have just been the Dowager eating soup really primly or rolling her eyes at loud birds or something. Know your audience!

0:35: Carson kisses Mrs. Hughes…on the forehead. At this rate, one of them will die before they get around to having sex.

0:37: Daisy is still super stoked about the house she got out of pretending to be in love with a dead person.

0:38: Anna’s Debbie Downer husband is back. Her smile is replaced with sobbing.

0:40: Someone drives recklessly. Haven’t we learned anything from Matthew’s sudden demise?

0:41: Thomas walks in on the new guy doing something weird and maybe sexual. Oo la la!

0:42: The servants are at church ceremony. Thomas and new guy get married?! Nope, gotta wait approximately 100 years for that one. It’s probably Mrs. Hughes and Carson. You should have dated a little before you committed to a lifetime of forehead kisses, Mrs. Hughes!

0:44: Mary feels an emotion! Or maybe she’s just mocking Edith again.

0:45: The babies run adorably. Sybbie is in America though so we don’t care that much.

0:46: I knew the forehead jewels and cocktails wouldn’t last. Edith is distraught again.

0:47: Daisy finds out some really good gossip.

0:49: The Dowager makes a cute face.

0:52: The Crawleys get out of their cars and look up at what’s probably their new digs. Smaller circular driveway off of a major road (can you imagine?!) and probably a smaller moat too. Hard times.

0:56: A British lady reminds us that people in the UK will be able to watch the new season starting in September, while all of us Yanks have to wait ’til 2016. All these years later and this arrangement still makes zero sense. And this is the final time we get to complain about it so make it good!

Piano keys plink dramatically, a bell tolls, a single rose petal falls, a feather duster flirts with a chandelier: all portents of the final season of Downton Abbey, a soap opera we all didn’t have to feel bad about watching because of the vaguely historical storylines and the fancy British accents.

Forget everything that happened last year? Refresh your memory.
Wonder how I think everything should end? Read up.

Everyone else, let’s do this!

A crazy amount of dogs follow white dudes in fancy red coats and top hats on horseback. Right off the bat, the Downton Abbey producers are trying to make up for killing Isis, the only dog that matters. This will not work.

Thomas carries a tray of goblets out to the red coats. Maybe one of them will be his new rich love interest and he’ll finally have the means to quit this dumb job and live happily ever after? Yeah, probably not.

He passes a drink to Mary, who is wearing a bowler hat and a black coat and NOT riding side-saddle like a proper, demure lady, because, ever since her sex vacation last season, she doesn’t really give a you-know-what.

Sad, overwhelmed Molesley comes outside and all the dogs immediately sniff out his desperation and start barking at him. Per usual, Molesley sucks at life and comes *this close* to dropping everything on his tray. Carson raises an eyebrow at him that translates to: How in the world have I not fired you yet?! That’s a really good question.

A woman in a hat approaches Downton. Let it be Sybil! Maybe she faked her own death to get a break from all her nosy relatives and travel the world or become a progressive politician or something? I don’t care how outlandish the story, I just want Sybil back! #MakeItRightJulianFellowes #BringBackTheHaremPants #StandAgainstPreeclampsia

Cora Crawley reminds her husband, Robert, that he probably shouldn’t bail on some important board meeting in order to go hunting. Robert, who has learned nothing from his long history of screwing up business transactions and losing much of the family’s fortune, is like, Whatever, mom! and gallops off.

Cora should have listened to me last season when I screamed at her through my computer screen: STAY WITH THE ART DUDE! OR GO TO JAMAICA AND GET YOUR GROOVE BACK! ANYTHING BUT THIS!

Mary and Robert notice the woman in the hat and wonder who she is. She doesn’t look like Sybil so who cares.

Robert gives Mary a hard time for not being “graceful” and riding side-saddle because it’s only been 2 minutes and we need a reminder that he represents ye olde patriarchy. Mary is not having any of it.

It’s 1925. Remember when the show started with the Titanic sinking? That was 1912, which means that it’s supposedly been 13 years (math!) since we first met these characters. Even Maggie Smith has wondered how the Dowager Countess is still alive. I’m not concerned with that because the answer’s easy; a being as perfect as that is clearly an immortal goddess dating back to ancient Egypt. What I do wonder is: why is Daisy still basically a baby? Also immortal?

Carson talks to Not Sybil, who’s still loitering. I have no idea what in the world they’re talking about. Intrigue!

Mary and Edith’s kids watch Mrs. Patmore bake. One of them speaks (a first!) and asks to lick the bowl. Eventually, the subject will shift from how delicious cake batter is to how the nearly constant absence of their parents contributed to their inability to accept love or engage in any meaningful intimacy. Hopefully the family still has money for all those therapist bills by then (not likely, if Grandpa Robert keeps bailing on meetings to futz around in the woods).

Mrs. Hughes and Thomas talk about how nice (i.e. cute) the new footman, Andy, is. Then, Mrs. Hughes basically warns Thomas not to get an unrequited crush on this one. He stares at her with a weird smile for a beat too long, which means he’s fantasizing about killing her for saying that, but he snaps out of it in order to give baby George a piggy back ride ’cause why not?

Daisy asks Mrs. Hughes if she’s set a wedding date yet. She hasn’t because Carson only really kisses her on the forehead and a woman has needs. (I may have inferred a great deal of this.)

Later, Mrs. Patmore finds Mrs. Hughes for some real talk. Mrs. Hughes pretends nothing is wrong and Mrs. Patmore gives her a girl, please look. Turns out I was wrong about Mrs. Hughes wanting more than forehead kisses. She is really freaked out about having sex.

Mrs. Patmore brings in reason: “There’s nothing so terrible about it, is there?” But then she keeps talking: “…so they say…I wouldn’t know, of course.”

So you mean to tell me Mrs. Patmore, who is easily pushing 60, has never ever had sex?! Hurry up, Women’s Lib!

Mrs. Hughes thinks her “late middle age” body is repulsive and prefers the idea of living like “a very loving brother and sister” to Carson ever seeing her naked. Mrs. Patmore points out that Carson’s body is probably pretty gross too. Mrs. Hughes agrees and momentarily feels better, before asking Mrs. Patmore to go iron this whole naked sex arrangement out with Carson. Now that’s a friend!

In the stairwell, Mrs. Patmore runs into Anna, who is crying because that’s all her body knows how to do. I wish she would make a pro/con list about her marriage.

Pro: he’s kind of cute, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Con: he’s maybe murdered two different people, is always grumpy, scares potential friends away, talks a big game, but can’t back it up, etc. etc. etc.

Out in the woods, Not Sybil is loitering again. Get a hobby already!

Mary spots her and instantly falls off her horse into the mud. Her dad is kind of worried, but had suspected Mary would be taken down, one way or another, by the un-feminine way she was riding. Not Sybil looks pleased and evil in the distance.

Back at the Abbey, some insecure editor dude is yelling at Edith over the phone. He apparently doesn’t like working for a woman. Cora suggests she just sell the business and go back to just sitting around. Edith is like nah.

At the board meeting, Dowager Countess and cousin Isobel are fighting again (so much for all that ya-ya sisterhood last season). Some big hospital wants to buy their little village hospital. Countess wants to retain control. Isobel thinks it would be better for the patients if they were to hand it over. Isobel’s former suitor (you remember, the one with those jerk sons) tells her he’s glad they agree. Isobel replies by singing the chorus of Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together.”

Mary returns home to find Not Sybil lurking in the bushes. She’s had enough and confronts the mystery lady. Turns out she’s a chambermaid from the hotel where Mary had her sex vacation. Well, damn!

She allegedly has receipts to prove that Mary is a whore and wants money to keep quiet. Mary says that this isn’t the first time someone’s tried to blackmail her and walks away in the rain. Not Sybil But A Blackmailing Chambermaid keeps spewing threats.

Can we just skip this storyline? It’s the final season. Let’s spend it worrying about more important things like getting Mrs. Patmore laid and figuring out a way for Edith to kill some Nazis for probably killing her baby daddy!

Downstairs in the servants’ rec room or whatever, Anna is still being a downer. Meanwhile, Thomas is tired from giving baby Marigold piggy back rides all day. Is he grooming these children to be his accomplices since none of the other servants are evil these days?

Molesely says something like, Gosh, how great that Lady Edith found this random pauper baby in the village and wants to give her a better life! So simple and gullible. Bless his heart.

In the drawing room upstairs, Robert and Carson complain about how the servant to rich person ratio is going down. Robert then proceeds to condescendingly lecture Carson about how you can’t resist time or progress, despite the fact that he tried to do just that every moment of the previous five seasons.

In Mary’s bedroom, Anna and Mary talk about the blackmailer and the latest in Anna’s court case (she’s on bail for now) before talking about what’s really important: whatever will they do about Mary’s wet hair?!

In the shoe-shining room (if Tori Spelling’s mom can have a whole room dedicated to gift-wrapping, the Crawleys can have one for this, okay?), Bates tries to figure out why Anna is sad. She insists that she’s fine…and then bursts into sobs. She had a miscarriage. Did a woman who’s married to a creepy bore and is currently on bail for maybe killing her rapist really need another adversity, Downton writers?

At dinner, the family speaks of Tom Branson (come back!). He’s found a flat in Boston and Sybbie likes her new school. Robert uses this news as an opportunity to diss the American accent. Cora quickly reminds him that, despite her weird hybrid accent, she is an American! Again, art dude or Jamaica; you have options, Cora!

Mary announces that she is going to take over Branson’s former duties and everyone gets into a debate about whether women are capable of doing stuff. Robert has changed his tone from outright misogynist to pretend feminist: “Long live women’s rights and all that, but it’s not a good idea to take on a job that wears you out.”

Cousin Isobel brings up the hospital fight again in front of everyone. Both the Countess and I are appalled at her lack of manners.

In Carson’s office, Mrs. Patmore tries to broach the uncomfortable naked fornication subject. It’s a shame Salt ‘n’ Pepa’s “Let’s Talk About Sex” wasn’t written yet. That could have helped things along.

Mrs. Patmore finally gets around to kind of sort of bringing it up: “Do you expect to share your…way of life?” And thus, she wins the award for best euphemism for a penis ever uttered. As if we could love her any more, she then takes a shot of port and gets the hell out of there.

Upstairs, the Dowager and Robert whine about downsizing. Boo hoo.

In the sitting room, Edith mentions going to London and maybe setting up her own apartment there. One second after she leaves the room, Mary lets one fly: “Edith, alone on the town, what will she get up to?” I wish these two would duel and get it over with. Maybe it would even inspire a super popular Hamilton-esque musical!

The next day, Mrs. Hughes and Mrs. Patmore are speaking in code about sex again, when Blackmail Girl interrupts. All these servants and no one is serving as a bouncer? Who let homegirl in?!

Anyway, she wants to deliver something to Mary herself and Mrs. Hughes rightly says “We don’t know you” as shadily as Mariah Carey would, but the blackmailer makes it happen because Mrs. Hughes is busy thinking about Carson’s “way of life.”

Up in Mary’s room, Blackmail Girl says a bunch of rude things, while eating a bit of Mary’s toast. Then, she THROWS THE PIECE OF TOAST DOWN REALLY HARD! I was so scandalized, I gasped. Did you? Mary calls the woman “revolting” and has Anna, who isn’t crying for once (!), escort her out.

In the village doctor’s office, he and cousin Isobel disagree some more on the hospital crisis. He asks, “Do you not care?” I’ll answer for all of us and say, Not even a little bit. Next!

Back in Mr. Carson’s office, a police officer tells Anna and Bates that some woman has confessed to the murder of the rapist, but that they’re not in the clear just yet. Bates is pissed that he told them at all, which means that this police dude has a 82% chance of ending up mysteriously dead before the season is up.

Upstairs, Carson tells Robert about the eviction of Daisy’s father-in-law (remember she married that dying guy even though she was totally just not that into him way back?).

Downstairs, Carson runs into his fiancé and calls her Mrs. Hughes, as he always does. She suggests he start calling her Elsie. He says, nope, and then presses her to set the date. She refuses and gets the hell away from the gross naked body underneath his clothes.

The Dowager’s maid, Denker, shows up and stirs the pot by telling everyone they’re probably getting laid off. Everyone hates her and her weird eyebrows.

Upstairs, Robert confirms that yes, Daisy’s father-in-law is probably being evicted. Ah, glad that’s settled.

Over at the Dowager’s pad, Denker is now telling Spratt, the butler, that he’s probably going to be laid off. The Dowager enters and asks Spratt to let the cook know she’s ready for dinner. Spratt falls right into Denker’s trap by going all Tourette’s and blurting out, “I will, although you could have rang for her yourself!”

The Dowager whips around and has him beheaded on the spot. Well, actually she just says “I beg your pardon?!” in an outraged old lady sort of way, but it’s basically the same thing.

Upstairs, Anna tells Mary about how much she wanted to slap the blackmailer. Yes, Anna, less crying, more revenge!

In Carson’s pantry, Mrs. Patmore and Carson finally start talking about sex, albeit only through euphemisms. Carson must decide between sexless companionship or hanging from the chandeliers. Which will it be?!

Outside, Anna feels like a loser for being barren.

Back inside, Carson decides that yes, he does want to have naked sex. Mrs. Patmore says she hopes he gets to have sex soon and goes off to relay the message to Mrs. Hughes. Wow, hooking up pre-Tinder was super involved!

Spratt tattles on Denker because the “snitches get stitches” aphorism wasn’t invented yet.

In the Downton kitchen, Daisy shares her plans to attend her father-in-law’s former landlord’s auction by riding in the front of one of the Downton carriages. Mrs. Patmore says Mr. Carson won’t allow it and Daisy responds, “Even Mr. Carson can’t always have his own way.” Yes, Daisy, you immortal, ageless beauty, do whatever you want!

Ugh, Blackmail Girl is back. Molesley lets her right in ’cause, again, he sucks at life. Carson is over her too and tries to kick her out, but she worms her way in again. After a nuclear holocaust, all that will be left is cockroaches, Cher and Blackmail Girl.

In London, Edith tells her aunt that she’s met Virginia Woolf before. Way to bury the lead, Edith! I knew you were cool! Her aunt thinks so too and asks if she wants to spend the rest of her life hanging around Downton “being sniped at by Mary” or if she wants to be a hipster in London. Be a hipster, Edith! Become Virginia Woolf’s publisher and lover ’cause being with men hasn’t been really working out for you so far. Lest we forget that burn victim you crushed on who was also your maladjusted cousin or whatever!

Back at Downton, Mary comes home to find Blackmail Girl hanging out with her Papa. He pays her off, against Mary’s wishes, and BG leaves in a cloud of insults (if it was 2014, I would say “Bye, Felicia!” but I can’t anymore because 2015 happened so I’ll just leave it at “Bye”).

Mary and Robert proceed to talk about her sex vacation in a much more straightforward manner than Mr. Carson and Mrs. Patmore did earlier. Papa, I had to know if he was bad at sex before I married him and he was! she said (in so many words).

Plot twist: Robert did something awesome for a change! He only paid Blackmail Girl 50 pounds and made her sign a confession! And then he said he believes Mary can run the estate, despite her ovaries! Huzzah!

Downstairs, Mrs. Hughes is still not sure if she wants to have sex or not. Good grief, girl, just do it. You’ll like it. Unless you don’t (see: Mary’s sex vacation).

Upstairs, the Crawleys are leaving for the auction. Edith alludes to leaving Yorkshire to become a Bloomsbury hipster. Mary is at a loss for words ’cause she’s probably mad she didn’t think of it first.

Carson randomly ignores Thomas, inspiring another one of Thomas’ one-beat-too-long stares and smiles. He’s totally going to kill all of these people someday soon.

At the Dowager’s house, cousin Isobel talks about the hospital situatio….zzzzzzzzzzz. Oops, nodded off there for a second, where was I?

The Dowager off-handedly tells Denker she will miss her, although nothing is yet settled. Denker waits until she’s in the hallway to die a little inside. The Dowager then shares some advice on how to be a boss with cousin Isobel: “Sometimes, it’s good to rule by fear.”

At the auction, the Crawleys chat with the sad sack who has to sell all his stuff and move to a small hole in London. He warns ominously not to hang on so long that they lose everything. Edith is like, Right on! ’cause she’s moving soon and no longer gives a damn.

In a different room, Daisy and her father-in-law, whose family lived and worked at this place for generations, gawk at all the rich people’s things…until Daisy finds the new owner who is kicking her father-in-law out and loudly lets him have it. What all that book learnin’ has wrought!

Robert and Edith keep trying to stop her from speaking, but she has something to say! Cliffs Notes version: The proletariat rules, the aristocracy drools. This does not go over well.

Back at Downton, Daisy worries aloud about how she’s probably going to get fired, but everyone is like, Shut up, the police officer is back! He tells everyone that the confession has been confirmed. Anna is officially a free woman!

The Crawleys run downstairs to pop some bottles. They even get out the gramophone! Everyone does the 1925 version of twerking.

Anna is excited and all, but she brings up her inability to have babies again ’cause she’s gotten used to always being distraught over something.

Carson finds Cora and Robert, asks if he should fire Daisy and compares what she did to Guy Fawkes blowing up Parliament. Those two incidents are exactly the same; you’re right, Carson. Ugh, I hope he never ends up having sex. Thankfully, Cora and Robert respond with a tepid meh.

Mrs. Hughes and Carson finally talk about sex and agree to do it, even though Carson doesn’t deserve it. “If you want me, you can have me, warts and all,” she says. Then, they make out…using their lips!…zero foreheads involved! Good for them.

FIN.

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Blackmail Girl/Not Sybil: Better luck next time, loitering jerk. P.S. You’re probably going to hell for throwing that piece of toast like that. Hope you packed sunblock.

HONORABLE MENTION: Isis: The Downton producers are gonna have to find more dogs than that, if they want us to forget you, old friend (impossible).

BRONZE: Daisy: Tell it, sister! And stay in school!

SILVER: Edith: For knowing Virginia Woolf and planning on moving out. Your day in the sun has come at last (or has it?)!

GOLD: Mrs. Patmore: We would all be so lucky to have a bestie like you. Talking to Carson, the stodgiest person ever to live, about boinking? That’s immediate first place status. A Nobel Peace Prize isn’t out of the question either. Take note, other Downton denizens!

Until next week!

Season 5 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: We Didn’t Start the Fire

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: I’ll Make Love To You

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Call Me Maybe

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 4 Recap: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 6 Recap: Runaway Train

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 7 Recap: Dog Days Are Over

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Episode 8 Recap: London Calling

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 5 Finale Recap: All I Want for Christmas Is You

Did you cool down from all that hanky panky talk in last week’s season premiere? Yeah, me neither, but the show must go on!

A stranger cycles towards the Abbey. He might just be the mailman. Or he’s arrived to either blackmail Lady Mary for having sex or accuse Bates or Anna of killing some rando. If it’s the latter, I quit.

Downstairs, Daisy runs around with a plate of butter being cute. Other less cute people also do stuff. Molesley irons the pages of a newspaper (think about this next time a Crawley boo-hoos over not having as much money as in the good ol’ days).

Upstairs, Robert and his second and third favorite daughters (R.I.P. Sybil) gossip about Rose.  Remember her? She dated a black jazz musician and married a Jewish dude from a broken home? The scandal! Well, she has a Hamptons house now and might be pregnant. Here’s hoping Robert isn’t in charge of medical decisions during her delivery (again, R.I.P. Sybil).

Someone downstairs wants to speak to the Agent of the estate. Mary, who has taken over those duties, says “I want to be left to manage him. It’s my job!” Carson stops in his tracks and raises his eyebrows. He holds back from screaming: “But you have ovaries!”

Robert asks Carson about his wedding a.k.a. the day he and Mrs. Hughes start having all the sex. Carson shares that they’ve set a date, but are still looking for a place to hold the reception. Mary says, Here, duh! Robert comes in for the assist and…fails miserably, as he almost always does. “We can decorate the servants hall and make it look really special.” This statement is the sequel to “Let them eat cake.” Off with his super rich, blinded-by-a-lifetime-of-privilege head!

Mary gets this and reprimands her embarrassing dad: “I don’t want to discuss it now in a rush. We’ll have a proper conversation later.” *cue a chorus of middle schoolers saying oooooo after a classmate is called to the principal’s office*

Did you notice that everyone completely ignored Edith’s existence and the two things she said in this scene? You probably ignored her too! No wonder Cora didn’t even bother showing up to this lame breakfast. These people don’t appreciate a fine woman when she’s sipping tea right in front of them.

Downstairs, Molesley brings up that time Daisy lost her sh*t on her father-in-law’s new landlord and ensured his eviction. Daisy self-flogs.

The Agent-seeker meets with Mary. She breaks her new role to him and he tries not to burn everything to the ground. They talk about pigs a lot.

On a walk outside, Mrs. Hughes incredulously repeats Robert’s version of “Let them eat cake” to Carson. Have her reception in the servants hall? As if! She doesn’t want to be a servant on her wedding day. Carson counters: But we’ll still invite these rich people who don’t actually value me at all, but whom I live to serve, right??? Mrs. Hughes gives him a side-eye and then this exchange takes place:

Mrs. Hughes: “Why? Did you think you would have to get married without Lady Mary to witness it?”

Carson: “She’s an important figure in my life, Mrs. Hughes. I won’t apologize.”

No one said marriage was easy, y’all!

Over at the Dowager’s mansion, cousin Isobel, Robert, the doctor whose name I never remember, and the Countess sit around and argue some more about this hospital take-over. Robert says something glib about wanting to save lives. His mother hits back: “If you can’t say anything helpful, Robert, please be silent.” Although a bit long, this should have been the title of the show.

Cousin Isobel wants to get Cora involved because she knows Cora agrees with her side of things. I don’t 100% understand what all this fuss is about and why it deserves a multi-episode arc, but I always side with the Dowager. Dear cousin Isobel, know your place. You just got here.

Back at Downton, the newbie footman Andy talks about how he likes it there and wants to walk and explore more. Thomas offers to join because Andy is cute and Thomas hasn’t gotten some in a while. Andy says something to the effect of no homo. Mrs. Hughes agrees. Why is she so invested in keeping Thomas celibate? Just ’cause you have issues with your body and sex doesn’t mean others can’t get some. Let Thomas live!

Moments later, Carson makes fun of the fact that Thomas might be laid off soon. I hope you’re not a fan of Mrs. Hughes and Carson ’cause their wedding is shaping up to be a reprise of the wedding in Kill Bill. 13-year-old spoiler: It’s bloody.

Somewhere in town, Molesley follows a bunch of kids and asks to talk to their teacher. He could definitely use more schooling. Let’s hope that’s what this is about.

Back at Downton, some sexist is yelling at Edith on the phone again. She tells him to calm down. By now, we people of the future know this only makes matters worse, but it’s 1925 and Edith doesn’t know anything about conflict resolution.

Edith goes to complain to her family about how hated she is. Mary rolls her eyes. Like I said last week, these two need to just duel it out already.

More talk about the boring hospital thing, which is thankfully interrupted by the children. Mary wants to take the kids on a field trip to see pigs at a local farm, which conveniently is the very farm where Edith kept Marigold hidden while she was pretending not to be post-partum depressed last year. Edith gets super anxious. Mary calls her a ninny. Same ol’, same ol’.

Downstairs, Molesley finds Daisy and tells her about his visit with the town schoolmaster. He gives her old exams from previous years so she can be prepared to take one of her own. Daisy is like This is nice and all, but I’m pretty busy planning to meddle some more in my father-in-law’s affairs. K thanks bye! 

Upstairs in Mary’s bedroom, Mary asks Anna why she’s still a British lady reincarnation of Eeyore, despite her and her husband being acquitted. Anna brings up the time she had to go buy Mary a diaphragm (good times!) and then confides about her miscarriages. Mary feels bad and probably thinks something along the lines of: My maid has more problems than a math book.

In town, Isobel runs into her ex. He talks about how the locals need better health care and the hospital take-over will make things better. Like last week, he mentions how glad he is that they are allies on this issue. And, again, Isobel sings Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together.” She then gets excited about battling the Dowager and predicts there will be “wigs on the green.” 2016 translation: wigs are about to be snatched!

In the servants’ quarters, Thomas offers to help cute newbie Andy wind the clocks and is spurned for the 908th time. It’s really too bad He’s Just Not That Into You wasn’t out back in 1925. Thomas could really use it right about now.

At the village farm, Mary is busy talking about pigs, while Mr. Drew and Cora are trying to speed things along before his crazy jealous wife a.k.a. Marigold’s fake mom comes back.

Too late! His wife gets all mama bear with Marigold and Mr. Drew implores “Let her go, Margie.” She begrudgingly does and Cora gets Marigold the hell out of there. This goes down in history as the shortest and most polite hostage crisis.

Back at Downton, Thomas plans to go on a job interview nearby. He hopes there are cute boys there who will let him wind their clocks, if you know what I mean.

Upstairs, Mary tells Carson that, despite what her father stupidly said about making up the servants’ hall for his wedding reception, it can be held in any of the upstairs rooms. Robert is sour about her fixing his faux pas and still has no clue why what he said was demeaning and offensive. Some things never change!

In the shoe-polish room, where everything always happens, Anna is in the dark crying again. Bates tries to comfort her with trite passages he read in a greeting card once. He asks if she would consider adoption. Anna says she would, but that Bates is “tribal” and wants his own child. He’s doesn’t deny this and then continues to be entirely unhelpful: “To me, we are one person. And that person can’t have children.” What poetry! I’m not sure who I’m more annoyed with: Bates or the writer who got paid to write that.

In London, the sexist phone caller is now yelling at Edith IRL. She fires him on the spot. No, actually she just takes it ’cause her superpower is soaking in all forms of criticism and ire like a sponge and then crying it all out at night and sometimes even almost burning down the house while she’s at it.

Thomas shows up for his interview and any hopes for sexy clock-winding are quickly dashed because of an impressive gaydar. “You’re a delicate looking fella, aren’t you?” the homophobe interviewer asks, before bullying Thomas for not being married. Add this dude to the list of people Thomas will most likely murder soon.

Back at Downton, Mary tells Anna she wants to help her with this whole no babies thing. OMG, is she going to find her a surrogate and help her pretend she was pregnant all along, like Beyonce (allegedly) did with Blue Ivy? Oh, they’re just going to visit a doctor to see what’s up. That works too, I guess.

Anna keeps refusing help, but Mary points out all the times Anna has helped her in a time of need: hiding “that fearful Dutch thingamajig” (we all must call contraceptives this from now on) and carrying the Turk’s dead body out of her room. They have a good, long laugh thinking about how Mary killed a man with her vagina.

It only takes 3.2 seconds for Anna to turn back into Eeyore. She mopes about how going to the doctor or even a potential operation probably won’t work. The only way Mary avoids strangling her sadsack neck is to ask her if she’ll tell Bates.

Anna says she won’t. “He’d help too much.” Translation: he would try killing someone again and this final season doesn’t have enough running time to include a third instance of Bates maybe going to jail.

Have y’all ever noticed that Bates is basically Lennie from Of Mice and Men? Always meaning well, but accidentally hurting or killing things? That novel takes place in the 1930s, which could mean that this entire show is an origin story and Bates does something awful at Downton and must flee to California’s Salinas Valley to assume a new identity. I wouldn’t rule it out!

In their bedroom, Cora and Robert talk about how Mrs. Drew wants to “swallow [Marigold] whole.” Cora asks about the possibility of making the Drews move ’cause she knows that, once Mrs. Drew finds a windowless white van, she’ll be kidnapping Marigold tout de suite.

Downstairs, Baxter encourages Daisy not to be angry with Cora for not being able to help Daisy’s father-in-law. Daisy’s A+ response: “It’s the system’s fault! That’s what makes me angry: the system! And she’s part of it!” Out of the mouth of immortal, ageless, partially educated babes! Revolution is nigh! Tom Branson would be so proud.

In London, Edith and her aunt drink booze out of tiny glasses and talk about fine dining, shopping and the joys of living alone. On that last note, Rosamund correctly points out: “That’s the danger of living alone. It can be very hard to give up.” I’m so with her on this one. Nothing’s better than coming home and doing whatever the hell you want without someone being there to judge you for eating raw cookie dough out of a bowl in your underwear while watching a marathon of The Great British Baking Show. Oh, you don’t do that? Uh, yeah, me neither. Anywaaay, how is super chill Rosamund related to her loser brother Robert? It boggles the mind.

Downstairs at Downton, Mrs. Hughes tells Carson she doesn’t want to get married at Downton because it’s not who they are. Carson, who’s convinced himself that he’s a part of the Crawley family, despite the whole waiting on them hand and foot for a lifetime thing, doesn’t agree, but plans to decline the offer because happy wife, happy life or whatever people say.

Outside, Bates and Anna talk about her trip to London. Anna alludes to her secret gyno appointment:

Bates: Well, try and put your feet up.

Anna: Yes, I will be putting my feet up.

This marks the first time a scene featuring these two has made me laugh. Well done, all.

In the dining room, Cora mentions that she’s meeting with the Dowager, the village doctor and Isobel about hospital bizness. Then we get a peek into what a happy marriage looks like:

Robert: [referring to inviting Isobel] Is that wise?

Cora: At least she’s an ally I can rely on, even if I can’t rely on you.

Robert: I didn’t tell you about the meeting bec…

Cora: [to Mary] “What time’s your train?”

Brrr, it’s gonna be cold in the marital bed tonight!

The family switches the topic over to Carson’s wedding reception. Carson tries to get out of having it at Downton, but Lady Mary vows that the reception will be there if it’s the last thing she does. Uh oh, Mrs. Hughes is going to be soooo pissed.

At the hospital, Cora admits she’s on Team Give Up the Hospital. The Countess is desperate to change the tide with some manipulative psychology: “Are you saying Dr. Clarkson is a bad doctor?” Cora doesn’t find this as amusing as I do and decides to leave. Isobel rubs salt in the wound on her way out: “I’ll come with you. We must give them time to gnash their teeth alone.”

At the future kidnapper’s farm, Robert tries to convince Mr. Drew to move away before his wife does something dumb. It doesn’t work.

In Carson’s office, Mrs. Hughes blows up when Carson tells her Lady Mary insists they have their reception upstairs. “Heaven forfend we lowly folk should do anything to contradict the blessed Lady Mary!” Yeesh! This is getting ugly fast! Remember the forehead kisses, guys?

Apparently not because Mrs. Hughes is still at it: “We’ll be doing it your way for the next 30 years, I know that well enough, but the wedding day is mine!” Good grief, Mrs. Hughes has become such a drama queen since she’s gotten engaged. First the whole I never want to have sex or be naked ever again thing and now this? Also, it’s super sad that she’s resigned to doing everything Carson’s way for the next 30 years. Although I guess a dark silver lining is that, let’s be real, neither of them have another 30 years left. (Hey, don’t get mad at me for speaking truth; people lived shorter lives back then!)

Upstairs, Baxter…you know what, I think you should just see it for yourself ’cause I’m too busy laughing:

“No.” Ha ha ha.

Okay, sorry, where was I? Oh, yeah. Cora has a secret plan to help Daisy so she’ll shut up about her father-in-law and the evil power structures that keep the poor in their place, while making the 1% richer. Bloody revolution has been averted…for now.

In London, Anna finds out she suffers from a rude-sounding condition called “cervical incompetence.” (Between this and preeclampsia, I’ve learned a whole lot about women’s reproductive health, haven’t you?) It’s okay though ’cause the doctor can fix it with an out-patient operation done at her own house! How much do you wanna bet that she tries to have this operation done without Bates knowing and he happens to walk in on it and thinks something else is going on and Bates kills the doctor and maybe Anna too? I bet you 75 cents (I need quarters for laundry).

The next day, Bates knows something’s up because Anna is  acting “bouncy” instead of weeping in the shoe polish room like usual.

In the village, there are a ton of farm animals in pens being judged. The whole gang is in attendance, including Mrs. Drew, who instantly locks eyes on Marigold. Amber alert in 3, 2, 1…

Andy is bowling nearby and Thomas insists on embarrassing himself further by first asking Andy to come with him to see Mary’s pigs (declined) and then to help teach Andy how to bowl (double declined). Mrs. Patmore is there to say Dude, give it a rest. He’s not gay! Thomas still thinks he is. This better be going somewhere!

Mrs. Drew stares at Marigold some more. Okay, I get it. You grew attached to the baby when you had her for a few months, but you have a boatload of kids already. Focus on them and leave this little heiress alone. I know you won’t though.

Mrs. Hughes and Carson argue some more about this stupid reception. Just don’t get married!!! Problem solved!

First prize for fattest pig or whatever goes to Lady Mary’s swine! Everyone celebrates for exactly two seconds before they realize Marigold is missing! Didn’t I tell y’all???

Everyone hyperventilates and runs around for a while, until they remember that, oh yeah, that obsessed, unhinged lady probably took her.

The gang heads to the Drew farm, where Mr. Drew finds his wife cradling and humming to Marigold. “She was bored,” she explains. “They were paying her no attention, none at all!” Okay, she’s right about the last bit. These kids are such afterthoughts. But the crazy unravels further. “Of course I brought her here. This is her home!” Girl, please give it a rest.

Mr. Drew calmly begs her to hand over the child, the same way you talk to someone pointing a gun at your face. She eventually does and then dramatically watches him give Marigold back from a window.

Mr. Drew tells Robert he will start looking for a new home (one close to a loony bin presumably). Robert relays the news to Edith and Cora and they’re like Ugh, finally. Anyway, what’s for dinner? 

And scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Bates and Mrs. Drew: Both kid obsessed. How about they run away together? Mr. Drew and Anna will be sad at first, but will eventually find solace in each other. Mr. Drew will finally stop making that frowny face all the time and Anna will quit crying while surrounded by shoes. It’s a win-win!

HONORABLE MENTION: Anna: I forgot about all the gangster stuff she’s done in the past. Buying contraceptives and moving dead bodies? That counts for something.

BRONZE: Mr. Drew: It’s a hard knock life when you can’t stop your wife from kidnapping other people’s children, but he does the best that he can.

SILVER: Daisy: In last week’s rankings, I awarded Daisy bronze for telling it like it is. She turned up the heat even more this week with her still-relevant critique of society’s inherently evil and unfair power structures. If Tumblr was around in the 1920s, Daisy would have had so many social justice-inclined followers.

GOLD: Rosamund: Robert may have inherited the mansion, but Rosamund inherited all the badass coolness from the Dowager. Keep doing you! Just say no to roommates!

Until next week!

Previous Season 6 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Premiere Recap: Let’s Talk About Sex

It’s that time again! Only two episodes deep and we’ve already experienced an abduction, a miscarriage, an exoneration and a formal let’s-get-butt-naked-in-front-of-each-other-and-have-sex-instead-of-living-as-creepy-siblings agreement. What will happen next?? (Hopefully some clock winding for Thomas!) Note: if you don’t get my clock winding reference, you’re a bad person who didn’t read my recap from last week. Make it right! For the rest of you, onward!

The show opens with a bustling kitchen. Mrs. Patmore orders Daisy to put something in the oven. The camera moves away before Daisy can stand on a soap box and shout: “DOWN WITH THE SYSTEM!”

Mrs. Patmore follows Mrs. Hughes upstairs, who is still complaining about her wedding. Thomas won’t be able to get married for another 90 years, but you don’t hear him complaining, do you? Instead, he spends his days seducing cute straight boys and plotting to kill rude straight boys. Mrs. Hughes should take a page out of his book and get a hobby.

Anyway, Mrs. Hughes really hates hors d’oeuvres and how rich people “stand about with nibbly bits stuck in their teeth.” She wants her wedding to be less stuffy and more turnt, but Carson won’t let her. Wahhhh, I have to have my wedding in a palatial English mansion for free! 

Mrs. Patmore tries to convince Mrs. Hughes to order a wedding dress from a catalogue and explains how easy it would be. Hughes responds: “I know what a catalogue is, thank you!” Okay, time out. Dear ungrateful Mrs. Hughes, you wouldn’t even be getting married in the first place, if your BFF Patmore hadn’t brokered that sex accord on your behalf. Put a little gratitude in your attitude, okay?

Mrs. Hughes shows Mrs. Patmore the brown dress she plans to wear on her wedding day. Mrs. Patmore’s response is the 1925 version of this:

In the drawing room, the Dowager Countess checks to see if a side table is dusty. The scene could honestly end there and I would be happy. Instead, her ineffectual son strolls in and they talk about the hospital drama. She insists he stop talking to anyone who isn’t her (not a terrible life goal).

Robert: You can’t expect me to avoid talking to my own wife!

Dowager Countess: Why not? I know several couples who are perfectly happy, haven’t spoken in years.

Hear that, unhappily married folk? Scrap those marriage counseling appointments and keep living it up in your separate bedrooms.

Edith comes in and her relatives notice for once. She’s heading to London to get yelled at by her sexist editor some more. Granny is concerned about the propriety of a young woman staying in a city flat alone. Edith is like Don’t worry. I’m middle-aged and repulsive. 

Mary comes in and mentions her traitorous mother, Cora. The Countess is like Ew, I’m out of here.

Robert: Why not stay and say hello?

Dowager Countess: Oh, I have a feeling Cora and I will be saying “Hello” rather less than “En garde!” in the next few weeks.

The Countess then pretends her walking stick is a sword. I repeat, the Countess pretends her walking stick is a sword!!! Cora and Isobel better watch their backs.

Back at chez Countess, Spratt is minding his own business, playing with his stamp collection. Miss Denker shows up to tell him his pastime is stupid. Such a mean drunk!

Someone rings at the door and Spratt answers. He seems freaked and won’t tell Miss Denker who it was. Here’s hoping it was the horny Russian dude from last season so the Countess’ storyline can be about more than just some dumb hospital no one cares about.

Upstairs in Mary’s room, she and Anna wonder why Edith doesn’t just fire the sexist. Good question! “Unless she enjoys racing up to London in a swirling cloud of crisis and drama.” Ding, ding, ding! Sorry, Edith, I root for you always, but sometimes Mary is right.

Mary reads a letter from Branson aloud. He’s depressed and homesick ’cause wouldn’t you be if you moved to Boston?

Anna then shares some news: she might be pregnant again! Mary exclaims that Bates has really powerful sperm. Then, as if asked to sum up her entire existence in just six words, Anna utters the following:

Mary: How exciting!

Anna: I don’t want to be excited.

Yep, that about sums her up!

Downstairs, cute Andy asks Thomas if he’s looking for a new job in the paper. Thomas flirts back, “I might be. Would you be sorry?” And then they play spin the bottle and kiss for a really long time because rules are rules. Sigh. You know they don’t, but I have a dream! Make it so, Julian Fellowes!

Upstairs in the dining room, cousin Isobel is gloating about her rivalry with the Countess because it’s the only thing that makes her relevant. Her face has an upcoming date with a certain walking stick/pretend sword.

Cora asks Carson to bring Mrs. Hughes upstairs for a chat. Everyone is shocked. But she’s poor and we’re eating!

In the downstairs kitchen, Daisy is talking about Cora maybe helping her evicted father-in-law because Downton writers can’t help but beat their storylines like decomposing horses.

Upstairs, Mrs. Hughes awkwardly is like Uhh, what do you want? Cora apologizes for putting her on the spot and then does just that. Mrs. Hughes is forced to explain why she doesn’t want an hors d’oeuvres kind of reception in front of rich people who love hors d’oeuvres. It’s awkward.

Hughes’ list of demands:

• a proper breakfast
• tables and chairs
• a guest list that includes poor people
• the schoolhouse as the venue
• tunes
• for things to turn into a “hooley” (I had to look this up; it’s Irish slang for a rager)

Mary’s rebuttal:

It is decided Hughes will have her hooley, after all. Carson and Mrs. Hughes leave the room and Mary turns on her mom.

Mary: Why did we have to listen to that?!

Cora: I want you to stop bullying them and let them do it their way.

Mary: You think I’m a bully? I think you’re a snob!

Isobel: How do you make that out?

[Carson walks back in just in time to hear:]

Mary: She didn’t want the bother of a servants’ wedding in the hall!

Everyone hides their faces in tiny tea cups.

On the other side of town, the Countess wants some hot chocolate before being tucked in. Instead of going off to make it, Denker attempts to gossip about Spratt’s personal life. The Countess is like I don’t know and I don’t care! Now go make me a warm delicious beverage and don’t you dare spit in it! 

Back at Downton, Carson and Robert celebrate Thomas maybe getting another job. Okay, I know Thomas is sneaky and always up to something, but he’s been pretty chill in recent years. Leave him alone!

In London, Edith runs into an acquaintance and says various glass-half-empty type things. Ugh, I have a magazine. Ugh, I miss my daught…uhhh, I mean, the random child who stays with my family for no reason. He is charmed for some reason and asks her out. Her super sexy reply: “Well, it will have to be near the office.”

Somewhere in Yorkshire, Thomas is at his job interview. The place is Grey Gardens without the cats, raccoons and patriotic dancing. The only furniture is a table with a dead bear on it, two couches piled high with old newspapers and a fireplace grate draped with underwear. Employer dude is not all there because his wife died and his two sons never came back from the war, but he’s kind of a poet:

“Do you know what I shall always remember? The women going up to bed at the end of the evening. Their faces lit by the flame from the candle. Yes, diamonds twinkling as they climbed up into the darkness.”

After the moving recitation, T.S. Eliot starts randomly freaking out about Thomas maybe being a Republican. If we lived in an alternate universe where I had paid attention in my high school History class, this is where I would place this scene into context by dropping some early 20th century political knowledge. Instead, all you’re going to get is this:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .

At Edith’s newspaper, Sexist Editor is going off again. Emboldened by her happy hour date, Edith fires him in a polite, British way. A random feminist secretary watches it all go down from the hallway and reacts like this:

Now they have to put together the magazine themselves in just nine hours! But — oh no! — Edith forgot all about her date! She runs to the bar and explains the situation. He’s down to help. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re married by the end of the episode.

Downstairs back at Downton, Molesley helps Daisy study and then spills about the Drews being run out of town because of that unsavory kidnapping business. Daisy is stoked. Her father-in-law can take their house! Let’s hope that happens so we can put this dull storyline to bed.

At the Countess’ pad, the police chief stops by. Apparently, Spratt’s nephew broke out of jail and is now on the run. So I guess we’re not going to get a sequel to the Dowager/Russian dude fling, like I hoped. Denker lies to the cop so that she can blackmail Spratt until the end of time.

Back at the London office, Edith learns how to collage and they meet their deadline. The magazine is saved! Baby’s first 9 hour work day! Edith and her date take turns complimenting each other and then discuss how sad a future without servants will be.

Back at Downton, Mrs. Patmore shows Anna and Daisy a catalogue dress she secretly ordered for Mrs. Hughes. It’s their turn to say:

Early the next morning, Baxter helps Cora get ready for the day, while Robert snores a few feet away (you know, ’cause it isn’t awkward enough dressing a grown woman).

In the hallway, Cora runs into Daisy, who immediately goes into her Thank you m’lady for helping my father-in-law even though you haven’t actually said you would routine. Mrs. Hughes eventually breaks it up and Cora holds herself back from screaming, Keep the riffraff away from me, goddamnit!!

In Mary’s room, Anna tells her about the ugly effing catalogue dress. Mary offers to let Mrs. Hughes borrow an evening coat of her mother’s (revenge for Cora calling Mary a bully earlier?). This should be good.

Downstairs, Mrs. Hughes complains about her lame dress some more.

In Doctor Clarkson’s office, all the old people argue about the hospital merger again because we haven’t already had 52 scenes of them doing that. Cousin Isobel, not content to just gloat for all eternity, insults Clarkson by suggesting that he’s just sour because he won’t be important once other doctors show up. The Countess does the verbal equivalent of striking Isobel in the face with her walking stick: “Did you drink at luncheon?” Pow!

In the servants’ rec room, cute Andy still isn’t gay.

Upstairs, Edith’s editorial victory is celebrated by Robert and tolerated by Mary. Cora comes in to complain about her “ghastly” afternoon and runs upstairs in a fit before Mary can tell her about that whole business about a poor person wearing her clothes.

Mrs. Patmore and Anna are in the middle of helping Mrs. Hughes try on a long fur coat when Cora bursts in and goes berserk. Hell hath no fury like a rich person who hasn’t had their afternoon nap.

Anna later tells Mary that her mom treated them like thieves and unnecessarily gave Mrs. Hughes yet another wedding-related thing to complain about.

Mary storms into her parents’ room to ask WTF. Robert tries to use the fact that Cora had to watch old people fight about boring stuff that afternoon as an excuse for her behavior.  Mary keeps it real: “Does that excuse insulting a woman who has served us faithfully for many years, who simply wanted something nice to be married in?” Mary does have a heart!

Downstairs, Thomas underlines the real trauma of the whole ugly incident: “Typical though, isn’t it? 30 years of service, one wrong move, and snap, you’re out on your ear.” Carson, ever the aristocracy apologist, is like Nu uh!

And because she can apparently only hold one single thought in her head at a time, Daisy randomly brings up her father-in-law again. You were barely married to that dude! No one cares!!!

Downstairs, Mrs. Hughes and Patmore roll their eyes about Cora, which is Cora’s cue to come in and apologize and hand over a free coat (Mrs. Hughes’ poverty-stricken, oily fingers already touched it so it was ruined anyway).

The next morning, the girl servants excitedly wake up Mrs. Hughes who has her hair in a super long braid (what other secrets does Mrs. Hughes keep from us?!).

Elsewhere, Molesley presents Carson with white rose boutonnières for the wedding. They’re meant to be worn by the ushers. Carson is like But I don’t have any friends, except Lady Mary. Oh, F it, take one and give one to cute Andy and none for Thomas. 

Cut to the church where we’re finally getting this wedding over with. Part of Carson’s vows are “With my body, I thee worship.” Yeah, I bet you will the second your anti-hors d’oeuvre hooley reception ends, you minx!

At the reception, Mr. and Mrs. Carson receive their guests and pretend not to hate Cora.

A few paces away, Spratt is minding his business, when Denker comes up and whispers threats in his ear. Can I order one cane to the face please?

Elsewhere, Anna’s happiness is darkened by her rain cloud of a husband. “You would tell me if you’d fallen in love with someone else?” Where did that even come from? So insecure and creepy!

Molesley points out Daisy to the schoolmaster and talks up what a good student she’s become.

Schoolmaster: Have you missed your vocation?

Molesely: I’ve missed everything.

:-*(((((((

Daisy and her father-in-law go up to Cora and thank her so much for something she has no intention of actually doing. It’s super awkward.

Carson gives a toast and the (for the most part) happy couple kiss, but everyone looks away and starts freaking out over something else because Tom Branson and Sybbie are back from their passage through hell a.k.a. Boston!!! Thunder: stolen.

The Carsons are Miss Colombia, Tom and Sybbie are Miss Philippines.

Branson explains how Downton rules and America drools. Everyone gets excited about his comeback because there haven’t been any hot boys at the Abbey in a long while.

Sybbie, George and Marigold group hug. Everyone goes awwww!

And scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Cora: Sharing is caring, especially when you own 5000 coats. Check yourself.

HONORABLE MENTION: Branson: Thanks for bringing your hot face back to Downton.

BRONZE:  T.S. Eliot Interviewer Dude: His hard circumstances transformed him into a wordsmith butterfly. I hope Edith’s buddy Virginia Woolf invites him to be part of her Bloomsbury clique so he doesn’t have to spend the rest of his days sitting on that ratty couch watching his underwear dry.

SILVER:  Thomas: Hang in there, buddy. If there is justice in this world, cute Andy is just severely closeted and you will eventually get yours. <3

GOLD: Dowager Countess: Everything she says is gold, everything she touches is dusty and every accessory she owns also can serve as a weapon in a pinch. She has it all figured out (well, except what weekends are).

Until next week!

Previous Season 6 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 2: All That She Wants Is Another Baby

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Premiere Recap: Let’s Talk About Sex

It’s been a week since the Carsons got Miss Colombia’d at their own wedding reception by the return of prodigal son Branson and his cute offspring. Is that incident the new thing Mrs. Hughes will spend all her time complaining about? Did she and Mr. Carson finally get it on? Will baby Sybbie and her cousins get a spin-off show? Will Thomas finally get to make out with someone? All (or none) of these questions will be answered on tonight’s episode! Let’s do this!

The show opens with Branson gazing upon Downton’s ridiculously expansive grounds. He’s basically the Powerball winner of 1925. What dumb luck!

Back indoors, Branson tells the family about how much America sucks. He also is concerned he stole the Carsons’ thunder. Uh, ya think?! Robert, always the voice of un-reason, is like Oh, whatever, you made the wedding less boring. I’m sure they loved it.

Because it’s been approximately 22 seconds since Mary and Edith got into a fight, Edith brings up the fact that Mary will probably have to give up being a feminist ball-busting Agent, now that Branson is back. Branson is like, I still am jet lagged, can we not? Mary makes a mental note to sharpen her switchblade.

The gang talks about how lame the Carsons’ honeymoon destination is (because poor people hang out there) before changing the topic to Aunt Rosamund, who’s coming to town to meddle in the hospital drama. Get ready for some geriatric fireworks!

An aside: Cora never eats breakfast with her family. Should we be concerned? Eating disorder? Is she the one who takes care of the kids off screen? Is she keeping watch over her coats to make sure no servants touch them with their grimy little fingers? Or does she just hate everyone too much to sit next to them at this point?

Downstairs, the Sergeant is looking for Ms. Baxter. Seriously, why is everyone in this house not better at covering up their crimes? Anna and Bates are excited it’s not them for once.

Thomas is annoyed at Mrs. Patmore for receiving the visitor ’cause that’s kind of his gig. Mr. Carson is still off naked somewhere with Mrs. Hughes so Patmore steps in as Thomas’ resident bully. You’re totally going to get fried, nanny nanny boo boo! Thomas needs an “It Gets Better” campaign so badly.

Upstairs, Cora is drinking tea in bed (so maybe she is anorexic, but probably just lazy). She’s complaining to Baxter about how the Countess is bringing some friend as backup for their upcoming brawl at dinner. Hey, life could be worse, Cora; Baxter could ask to borrow something.  We know how you feel about that. But anyway, still all this hot and bother over this dumb hospital stuff?? Just merge! Or don’t! Who cares!

Elsewhere, Branson tells Mary he’s a capitalist now and wants his life to be more than just Downton. Um, okay, then why did you move back? Mary is supportive with a single caveat: no more Miss Buntings (the annoying, self-righteous teacher from last season, if you don’t remember). Here, here!!!

Downstairs, the Sergeant spills the latest criminal intrigue: he wants Baxter to testify against a purported “handsome devil” who makes women steal for him and then take the fall, while he walks free. He’s the reason Baxter was in jail that one time. Baxter is super spooked and doesn’t want to get involved. Molesley throws out a platitude: “All that’s needed for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing.” Baxter shoots him a withering You’re so bloody simple! look and storms out.

Upstairs, Cora is annoyed because the Countess’ plus one wants to bring a plus one. It’s a man so I bet you it’s a new love interest for Mary because this show is not progressive enough to leave her as a badass single woman.

In Mary’s room, she and Anna talk about some new maids who aren’t as cool as past maids. Then, talk turns to how Anna is thickening up with pregnancy and Bates assumes she’s just fat because she likes pie. Then, Bates bursts in and completely ruins the vibe, which is what he does best.

Across town, the Dowager’s friend tells her about how she hates her daughter-in-law. Then they talk about the hospital and I stare off into space while humming to myself until the scene is over.

Back at Downton, Thomas is in charge and everyone has to do that annoying stand-up-really-suddenly-and-scrape-the-chair-against-the-floor thing in deference. Thomas off-handedly mentions something about properties on the estate and Daisy starts droning on about how excited she is that her father-in-law is getting the Drews’ farm. When someone finally breaks it to her that she’s been hallucinating this whole time, she gets very angry and clutches a water pitcher really hard. And because no scene with Thomas is complete without cute Andy spurning his advances, that happens too.

On a road surrounded by sheep, Edith is driving (yes! driving!) her aunt Rosamund. The car has a huge steering wheel. Rosamund tells Edith about this funky college for clever, but poor girls. She’s a trustee and thinks Edith should be one too because there’s a hot dude who works there and he’s around Edith’s age. First the newspaper helper and now this guy? When it rains, it pours! Get it, Edith!

Back at the house, Molesley stops Cora on the stairs to talk about Baxter. Has he not gotten the memo? Cora is NOT IN THE MOOD to hear servant sob stories this season or let anyone borrow or touch her things, geez!

Downstairs, Daisy tries to murder potatoes with a spoon and then rants about how let down she is that Cora lied to her. Mrs. Patmore brings things back to reality and emphasizes that Daisy fabricated this whole thing and is maybe addicted to psychedelic shrooms or something? Daisy continues to murder the innocent potatoes.

Upstairs, the visitors arrive and are announced. Mary is shocked to find that the Countess’ plus one’s plus one is that really sexy guy she went hunting with during last season’s finale. Didn’t I tell you?? They’re totally going to get married because anything else wouldn’t be predictable enough.

Branson talks to Mary’s future husband about cars and doesn’t realize that this is an A and B conversation between him and Mary and he should C his way out of it.

By the fireplace, the Countess grills her friend about her nephew’s prospects. 40 men would have to die before he becomes an Earl. Ouch. Too bad the Titanic is already underwater; could’ve treated all 40 of them to a cruise.

Robert calls his mom and her friend out for being snobs. Glass houses, dude, glass houses. Then the Countess puts her son in his place and wins my heart for the 7000th time.

Robert: No one has sharper eyes than a loving son.

The Countess: You read that somewhere.

Robert: Why do you never think I can make anything up?

Because you suck at business, aren’t very bright and helped kill Sybil. That’s why!

Downstairs, Anna is having a contraction or something.

In the dining room, the old people fight over the usual, while Mary becomes the first person to ever flirt using the words “guinea pigs.”

After dinner, it’s Mary’s future husband’s turn to flirt. “Telephone me. We’ll have lunch or a drink………or something.” Mmmhmmmmm.

A few yards away, Cora and some others discuss how embarrassing all the fuss over the hospital is. This is true, but what’s even more embarrassing is that the Downton writers are wasting the show’s final episodes on such a dull storyline.

After everyone leaves, Robert clutches his side. This happened in the last episode, but I didn’t mention it because I don’t care about Robert. But yeah, I guess he’s going to die. We all know dogs go to heaven, so Isis is accounted for. Will Robert be reunited with her or travel somewhere a bit warmer?

Outside, Baxter and Thomas are both having existential crises like they’re sophomore English majors high for the first time. Thomas wishes he was popular and straight like Baxter. Baxter wishes she was like Thomas (minus the gay part).

“You don’t care what people say, while I tremble at the mere idea of public ridicule.” Scratch “blogger” from the list of pursuits Baxter might entertain after Robert dies and the family sells Downton. Thomas explains that he actually does care what people say and walks off like this:

Later, the Sergeant is back to convince Baxter to testify. She’s like, Pass! Then he guilt trips her by bringing up other victims who are now prostitutes or dead. Baxter changes her tune to Ugh, fiiiine.

The treasurer of the funky girls school arrives at Downton with his wife (sorry, Edith), who happens to be Gwen, a maid from season 1! She greets her former bestie Anna, but snubs Thomas (bad move).

Now that she has money, she’s trying to downplay her time as a maid by not mentioning it at all. The rich people assemble to grill Gwen about who she is and why she came up with the school idea.

Gwen: You see, I never had any higher education and so…

Mary: Who did? All we were taught was French, prejudice and dance steps.

I never thought I’d say this, but Mary is quickly becoming my favorite (again, sorry, Edith).

Downstairs, Daisy predicts that no one will recognize Gwen because “they don’t look us in the face.” Mrs. Patmore rewards her right answer by calling her Karl Marx and ordering her to get back to work.

Upstairs, Branson bonds with Gwen over marrying up and out of facelessness. Thomas looks on, full of dejected rage (which would totally be the name of his first fragrance, if he was a pop star).

After sitting down to dinner, Gwen preaches about educating women. Everyone laughs about how they wish Carson was present to say sexist things. Thomas sees his chance: “You recall Mr Carson, madam, surely?” Gwen’s cover is blown to bits.

Gwen explains how Sybil helped her get a secretary job. Everyone mournfully thinks about how good the show was before Robert killed Sybil with his bad decision making skills.

After dinner, Gwen goes downstairs to hang with her former coworkers. Daisy jumps out of nowhere in front of Branson and plays her favorite broken record: MY FATHER-IN-LAW! IT’S NOT FAIR! MY DEAD HUSBAND WHO I DIDN’T EVEN LIKE! RICH PEOPLE SUCK! Branson is like Um, woah. I’ll see what I can do. Now please stop talking.

A few paces away, Robert corners Thomas and makes him feel bad about being evil sometimes.

Upstairs, Mary talks to Anna about how remembering Sybil makes her reevaluate being a mean snob all the time. All the talk of Sybil brings back the air of pregnancy problems and Anna has a crazy cramp. They decide to hightail it to the doctor in London.

Outside, Bates asks 1001 questions, including “So you’re not hiding anything?” Before he can question her about being in love with someone else, like he did last episode, Mary and Anna get in the car and drive off. Bates watches them go and thinks solemnly, Damn it, I have to kill again.

Back inside, Bates continues being weird:

Andy: What’s Lady Mary’s emergency?

Baxter: It’s none of our business.

Bates: Very true, Miss Baxter. For once I agree with you.

Um, why the ‘tude with teary-eyed puppy Baxter? What has she ever done?

Then Bates continues attacking people by asking Ugh, Daisy, what exactly is your problem?

Daisy explains that she’s “had enough” and will confront Cora for “cheating” her father-in-law out of the farm. She slams spoons next to place settings really hard so everyone knows she means business.

Upstairs, Cora convinces everyone to give the farm to Daisy’s father-in-law because it’s what Sybil would do (also, this is the only way to get Daisy to stop stalking her).

Downstairs, everyone tells Daisy what she’s about to do is social suicide. Daisy doesn’t give a you-know-what, yanks off her apron and storms upstairs to execute Cora or whatever.

Upstairs, Cora runs into Daisy and is like Really, girl? Daisy plays her broken record yet again. I’M UPSET! Yeah, we know.

Robert interrupts and tells Daisy to make sure to tell her father-in-law the good news. Daisy makes this face and then runs downstairs:

Robert comments on how weird Daisy is and then grabs his side again. One step closer to the grave.

In London, the doctor announces that he prevented Anna’s miscarriage. Mary celebrates by making plans to go on a date with her future husband.

Back at Downton, Robert tells Thomas how excited he is that Carson is coming back to fire him. Maybe the pain in Robert’s side is a side effect of whatever poison Thomas is slipping into his tea? When Robert keels over, Thomas will do a tap routine over his corpse, while singing “He Had It Coming.” Now that would be a proper end to this series!

Back in London, Mary tells her future husband that she works, despite her ovaries. He doesn’t set himself on fire and run around the room engulfed in flames so that’s a plus.

At the farm that used to belong to Marigold’s kidnapper, Daisy’s father-in-law tells her how excited he is to know where he will “lay his bones.” Yay?

Back at Downton, Bates grills Anna, who has just returned. She finally tells him, Hey, stop brainstorming ways to kill me. I’m not cheating, just pregnant, silly! Bates is moderately pleased.

The Carsons return and everyone applauds them for being brave enough to have sex with each other.

Upstairs, all the rich people plan to take a field trip to the servants’ hall to welcome the newlyweds.

The Countess: I haven’t been into the kitchens for at least 20 years!

Isobel: Have you got your passport?

Isn’t it fun when they’re not talking about that boring hospital?

Downstairs, the Countess is like Ew.

Edith announces that she plans to hire a female co-editor for the magazine. Mary says something along the lines of Right on, sister!

Rosamund: That was nice of you, to praise Edith’s plan.

Mary: A monkey will type out the Bible if you leave it long enough.

Okay, it’s official now. Mary is my favorite.

Everyone complains about how annoying it is that they have to call Mrs. Hughes Mrs. Carson now.

Major foreshadowing moment:

Rosamund: Mama’s slipped away. She was tired, so I told her to go.

Robert: Quite right.

Rosamund: I’m afraid she won’t give up about the hospital.

Robert: I shan’t think that at her funeral.

Rosamund: Who says she won’t be at yours?

#sidepain!!!

Everyone is standing around having a very bridled version of fun. Except for Thomas, of course, who looks like this all by himself in a corner:

Carson heads to his old room to say goodbye to his single bed. We know how much Carson hates change (almost as much as he hates women’s civil rights!).

And scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Bates: What are you good for? Absolutely nothing (but you’re pretty good at bullying your wife).

HONORABLE MENTION: Gwen: Good for you, I guess.

BRONZE:  Thomas: I commend his remarkable restraint that holds him back from killing those who are rude and merciless to him (everyone, but Mary).

SILVER:  Sybil: Sure, she’s dead, but her memory was strong enough to get Daisy’s annoying father-in-law a farm, convince Mary to be nicer and set Gwen up with a pretty cush life. Way to go, Sybil’s ghost!

GOLD: Mary: She saved Anna’s baby, became the first person in history to turn the term “guinea pigs” into something sexy, lined up a pretty cute new husband, and was nice to Edith for no reason. And that Bible-typing monkey comment? Come on. The clear winner this week.

Until next week!

Previous Season 6 recaps:

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 3 Recap: Chapel of Love

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Episode 2: All That She Wants Is Another Baby

‘Downton Abbey’ Season 6 Premiere Recap: Let’s Talk About Sex